The tanker who failed to catch a gold

[TankiNoob2000 231]

One little tanker named the Underdog simply couldn't catch a gold. No matter what equipment he used, he just simply lost his luck. He was a Master Sergeant looking for another way to get crystals. We shall go into his journey of all the golds he failed to catch.

On Year 2042, he saw the gold symbol on the ramp. He had Thunder and Dictator so he thought he could catch it but he was wrong. He ended up burning to death before he could catch the Gold box. Poor Underdog.

On the map Bobruisk, the Gold Box was near the hitch. He went to the ramp to get ready to catch it. He had Wasp and Ricochet ready. As the gold dropped closer to him, he jumped but a Railgun managed to shoot him causing him to flip over and past the Gold Box. He had to watch as the other tanks fought for it.

On the map Red Alert, no one could find the gold box. It was near the red teams house. Little Underdog saw it and raced for it. His little Wasp was about to get it when a Shaft sniped him down. When he respawned, the Shaft managed to beat the little tanker to the punch and take it. It was turning into a bad day for the little tanker.

Now in Yorkshire, he had Firebird and Hornet. He saw the gold spot right in the middle but a Mammoth was covering it. With all his energy, he tried to burn the enemy alive but the enemy used Repair kit the last second when Underdog was out of energy. He couldn't push the Mammoth so he couldn't get the gold.

He tried one last time in Industrial Zone with Dictator and Hammer. The Gold Box was in the house near the blue team's base. He wasn't the first there. All of his teammates and some of the enemies were there and this time it was a container! He tried to climb his way up the pile but someone managed to flip him and push him off the top, forcing him to self-destruct.

It sucked for the poor tanker since he didn't catch a gold Box. He was wondering when he would catch one. Tomorrow? Next week? He still doubt that he would catch one.

[Flexoo 6,980]

Approved.

 

Edits:

Proper nouns should be always capitalized. That applies to all names of the hulls and turrets in Tanki which you did not capitalize.

 

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The story did not meet the word limit of 400 words and I can not really say the plot or the way this article was written really saved it either. Do not take any offense from this, but it felt as very unattractive narrative. I approved it so that you can get possibly some feedback from this and try to do better next time. There are really good stories in the AWS and Newspaper respectively. I advise you to give them a look and see how these writers style them.

[TankiNoob2000 231]

I'll work on it ;)

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

There are really good stories in the AWS and Newspaper respectively.

#ShamelessAdvertising

[Pyre 3,485]

#ShamelessAdvertising

Careful my guy, thats Flexoo your talking too.

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Careful my guy, thats Flexoo your talking too.

Who's that knocking violently on my door?

[Aigaion 636]

Well I thought it was entertaining  :P

[thethiefofvictory 339]

Approved.

 

The story did not meet the word limit of 400 words and I can not really say the plot or the way this article was written really saved it either. Do not take any offense from this, but it felt as very unattractive narrative. I approved it so that you can get possibly some feedback from this and try to do better next time. There are really good stories in the AWS and Newspaper respectively. I advise you to give them a look and see how these writers style them.

Wow, I've never before seen such brutal, and to be honest, honest remarks in an article approved post before. Also, nice to see you around here approving articles! :d

[Quarks 2,255]

Welcome to the AWS! It is always nice to see new writers around here, though your first attempt does need a little bit of work. Most importantly, I'd recommend that you try to add some more imagery to your writings, to borrow the cliche: show, don't tell.

 

For example you wrote " Little Underdog saw it and raced for it. His little Wasp was about to get it when a Shaft sniped him down."

 

Personally, I would add imagery like this "Little Underdog saw it hiding away in a corner and raced towards it as fast as his little engine would let him. However, as he approached the zone, he saw the laser of the a shaft hunting him down. Just a few more meters, he thought, he begged. Then his momentum stopped and he viewed his rusty tank: he failed again"

 

That is just what I did on the fly, but adding more details would really take you writing to the next level, good luck mate.

[TankiNoob2000 231]

Thank you all ^_^

[Magenta 5,165]

It's good, but you really do need to add a lot of imaginative detail. You might want to check some of @kaisdf's work to know what I mean by "imaginative detail." Click here and here.