humour [H'ween] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - Halloween 2020

[Person_Random 4,991]

 

Halloween Benefit Show -  A Dictator Special
by @Person_Random

This Halloween, as many are not able to celebrate in person, we at the Dictator have prepared a special just for you! On Halloween night, join us for a one-of-a-kind benefit show, featuring many of our past and present legends.

I hear Flexoo will be doing a very snazzy robot.

Spoiler

 

Ostrica, as usual, will be holding a Masterclass on playing hide-and-seek. We hear this class is very popular, so do not hesitate to sign up!

Spoiler

One of our well-known ex-CMs, Nives, will be dabbing whilst juggling knives.

Spoiler

[Preview not available]

And of course, our other dear ex-CM, Semyon Kirov, is hosting the entire show. What are you waiting for? Get your tickets right here and don't miss out on our once-in-a-lifetime show!*

*Sponsored by The Ultimate Guide to Dominating with Hopper by Maf

 

Revolting Pumpkins
by @Venerable

We had received intel from Dusseldorf that the Halloween Pumpkins were revolting. They were apparently dissatisfied with the social-distancing guidelines issued by the TO Administration and wanted the minimum separation between gold-digging tanks to be reduced to 58.7 nanometers instead of 12.3 microns. How such things are a cause of concern for the Halloween Pumpkins is still disputed. I interviewed the great kaisdf on Discord, seeking his views on the latest developments. Here’s an excerpt from the failed interview:

Me: So, the Pumpkins are revolting! What are your thoughts?

kaisdf: Of course pumpkins are revolting! I never liked eating those disgusting things! I only eat well-roasted pumpkins nowadays, as they help in fat-loss. (Apparently. I take no responsibility for the damages caused by trying this at home.)

Me: Oh no! I meant that the Pumpkins are revolting, not that they’re revolting!

kaisdf: *confusion*

Me: Aw c’mon! The Halloween Pumpkins are protesting!

kaisdf: Ah, I see. Let them protest. I can’t help them. I could possibly help them by eating them, provided they’re well-roasted.

I gave up. It seems the Newspaper Admin is indeed a Halloween pumpkin-head (Halloween pumpkins are hollow :ph34r:) .

Well, the Pumpkin Revolt didn’t go well with the TO Administration, and they quickly dispatched a Roastunning Squad (a team of expert Hoppers with unlimited Overdrive) to round up the revolting Pumpkins after stunning and burning them. The roasted Pumpkins were then sent to kaisdf secretly (we still firmly believe that the mush hollowed out from the Halloween Pumpkins should have been sent to kaisdf, instead of the Pumpkins themselves, for obvious reasons  ). Um, not so secretly, then. 

 

Exploding Flame Pumpkins Crash Party
by @Person_Random

The pumpkin problem only gets worse with this report just in. Apparently, on top of revolting, the restless pumpkins have mobilized their Jack-o-Lantern Overdrive abilities. Some have even found their way into poor helpless tankers from the Freedom Tankers Playerbase (F2P) group. To gain access to more supplies, these tankers watched a video to gain free containers. There, the revolting pumpkins found the perfect opportunity to enter a F2P account and planted themselves in the perfect home - the trusty Firebird, providing them with enhanced explosive powers as seen above. When asking the developer H'Tea Emel Five, he simply shook his head and lamented, "Ah, it's only a Flash mob."

 

Insider Avatar Thief May Cancel Halloween
by @Person_Random

We received intel that Marcus's Almighty Halo was stolen. Several other avatars were also taken, but those are irrelevant. This all-powerful circular object not only powers the robot behind Marcus as well as many other fucntions, but also controls crucial gold dropping services that admins provide during the holidays.

Without this Halo of Pure Gold, so many vital functions failed: Hoppers couldn't jump due to a lack of jumping power, Firebirds and Freezes didn't have enough pressure in their tanks to even fire at all, and Juggernaut's Overdrive couldn't even blow away a leaf, let alone the heaviest of Mammoths. With just a few moments till Halloween, all hope was lost - many believed the holiday may be forgotten this year. After hundreds of error reports due to a lack of power, the developers cancelled announcements and events, but it was all in vain - for we have uncovered a key clue in tracking down the avatar thieves: they were misguided helpers in our very own forum!

In preparation for the "Design an Avatar" contest, the contest group needed all the spare avatars they could get, and in this process, Marcus's Almighty Halo was taken. We have tried to talk to the organizer, @GG_reg, to ask for the avatars back, but all he said was "Don't worry, you'll all get them back when the contest ends." If you're reading this, GG_reg and the Contest Team, we're anxiously awaiting the return of Marcus's Halo - we need it back before it's too late.

 

Case-doof indicted; kaisdf returns after five months in exile
by @Person_Random

Back in May, a mysterious "case-doof" was found to be embezzling nearly all the newspaper funds, and thanks to all these generous contributions, we were able to use the 99 mines and some help from our dear reporter @Pythor, who boldly went undercover disguised as a Social Media Minion Moderator donated to corner and surround the culprit on Skyscrapers.

Shortly after the capture, with some help from intrepid volunteers on the battle map, we were able to isolate this case-doof in the dark basement floor. This victim is now forced to watch the MotS Solo stream between Bravo and Lellek amidst blasting music of the "Top 100 Most Annoying Songs" radio station MULT 99.1 and count the number of missed shots for only rotten oranges while he awaits his court date.

Meanwhile, for the first time in several months, our dear administrator @kaisdf has been returned from captivity.

Health scans show him in mostly good condition with the exception of a near-complete loss of hearing. It's resulted in a couple of frustrating mishaps, such as ordering oatmeal raisin cookies instead of our favorite chocolate frosted donuts, but we're sure we'll be able to milk the maximum available profits from him before he gets hearing aids.

 

Invisibility Cloak - Get Yours Today!
by @Person_Random

Footage of a guest wearing the coveted Invisibility Cloak.

Hello, Tankers! Have you ever wanted to enjoy Halloween to the fullest but haven't gotten a chance to? Well, now's the time to mobilize your wallets and break the bank for the best holiday celebration you've ever had. Developed by the magicians from Hogwarts; previously owned by Harry Potter, it's the signature item from Harry Potter lore - the fabled Invisibility Cloak. It's the best costume one could ever want for Halloween. You can do it all - take all the candy from the trick or treat bowl and blame it on your pudgy neighbor, toilet paper your least favorite teacher's house without a single consequence, and of course, best of all, get into the true Halloween spirit and scare a record number of people!*

Don't forget to buy it to enjoy Halloween to the fullest. Now only 9999 Tankoins!**

*Only lasts for a few minutes. Use responsibly.
**Starting bid. Price only goes up from here.

 

A quick FOVID-19 Warning by the Tanki Health Organization
by @Person_Random

Experts bring warning of a second wave of FOVID-19 (Forumavirus-19), which is only to be exacerbated with the crowded Halloween celebrations. To prevent the transmission of this deadly disease, please exercise the following cautions when out and about during the holidays:

• Practice social distancing. Firebirds and Freezes are mandated to use the Augment "High Pressure Pump" and Isidas are banned from the battlefield altogether. See list of recommended augments here.
• Exercise caution when catching Gold Boxes. We recommend typing "Admin gold pls" in a deserted drop spot to get a gold safely and effectively.
• And as always, wear a mask. Stay safe and enjoy the holidays - responsibly.

 

Smash liek
by @Person_Random

The Dictator is already in peril of losing its 5-donut ratings after a warning from the National Organization of Opinion-and-Humor-Article Boards (NOOBS) for "not being funny enough". Negative influences like other humorous papers and low view counts could be fatal to the Dictator's status, especially with the next NOOBS inspection just a few days away. If this issue gets fewer than twenty likes, the Dictator could likely be sent to rehab and replaced with The Leaky Mult. So please, smash the like button before it is too late!

And if you have any problems with the Dictator's Publication; don't hesitate to reach out to NOOBS at TNK00-00000-0473T-HJ5X2-KT8DH.

This issue is brought to you by Procrastination. Enjoy!

 

[Person_Random 4,991]

As usual, our holiday issues feature several of our classics; this time, our beloved column "The Dictator" returns once more with our signature hilarious holiday themed articles! Get a good laugh and make sure to smash liek!

[Sacrifice 2,278]

On 10/11/2020 at 4:55 AM, Person_Random said:

Newspaper Admin is indeed a Halloween pumpkin-head (Halloween pumpkins are hollow :ph34r:) .

Oh loool, you had my tea spilled on this point. 

@kaisdf this was a good roast tho

[Venerable 2,970]

19 minutes ago, Sacrifice said:

Oh loool, you had my tea spilled on this point. 

@kaisdf this was a good roast tho

Haha, thanks! (Btw, mention me, cuz u essentially quoted PR... xD but nvm now)

Good roast huh? Punny... I mean, suspicious...

 

Honestly, I'm super excited about making it to The Dictator!!! This feels great! Not to mention the 40k...

Edited October 30, 2020 by Venerable

[Venerable 2,970]

The Almighty Halo of le Komyooniti Maneyjer has been returned by @GG_reg, I think, as the Design an Avatar contest results have been announced... My Hopper was able to jump today... (but that could be because of Maf's over-zealous support for the hopping hull)

Any solid news, @Person_Random?