The Leaky Mult #6 - December 2020

[Merovingian 656]

"You can laugh about everything but not with everyone." ~ Pierre Desproges
 

Spoiler

^{Note for paranoids, very serious peoples and YouTuber's fans: This is a work of F.I.C.T.I.O.N. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents either are the products of the authors' immature imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living, dead or undead, or actual events and fake events is purely coincidental. This is not a witch-hunt nor a personal Vendetta, but pure enjoyable fake news.} 

 
Greetings honourable readers, after a long year of deafening silence a new edition of the TLM is finally published! Yeah! But first things first, a quick update on the ex-writers. True to its French rudeness @Viking4s has selfishly gobble up the entire stash of Oreos of the TLM and his brazen excuse was “Sacrebleu, they were so good I could not stop myself” (I can relate to that though). To reflect on his bad manners, he has been sent on a scientific expedition to the depth of the Great Again Alaska to observe the growth under the extreme cold condition of a newly discovered species of potatoes called Augmentus Coldis Immunitii.

On a more interesting matter please welcome with me the latest addition to the team, @Tokamak, a young and talented writer, already the author of bestseller guides on Team Juggernaut. -He has managed to survive the difficult and strict TLM’s selection to join our ranks and shared his hunger for justice and -good- journalism which is equal to his appetite for our noble vegetable the Solanum tuberosum- I was short on staff so I just lured him with a cookie jar (my best food investment so far). As my grandma always said: If you are running out of Oreos, have some cookies and a cup of tea.

In this edition, we will report the activity of a band of thieves, expose a Tanki conspiracy, share some good news about Parkour and reach out to your heart to save an endangered species. Without further ado, grab a pack of -Oreos- cookies and have a good read!

 

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  Wanted Alive or Respawned!
By @Merovingian

In recent weeks, a significant number of disgruntled tankers have reported the disappearance of props and buildings on numerous maps. These disturbances occurred randomly during battles creating unnecessary obstacles and distractions to the normal gameplay which generated a high volume of complaints that saturated TO helplines. Tankers complained about not enjoying the game, losing countless amounts of crystals, and being unable to accomplish any fighting strategy. However, an anonymous member of Alternativa downsized the situation and dismissed these customers' claims affirming that ”There is nothing out of ordinary here we receive tons of complaints all day long. It is normal for teenagers to put a tantrum once in a while to cope with the drastic hormonal changes that their body is going through.” and he closed his statement with “Like if they had any strategy in the first place… XD”. 

 

Though one of the young customers interviewed claimed that on top of missing out on many crystals, he felt uneasy to play in such an unsettling and dangerous environment. He described to our reporter how he nearly lost his life as a huge hole appeared suddenly out of nowhere before his tank while escaping with the enemy flag. “I am a lucky one, but others did not have the same chance and had fallen to their death,” he said with a cracking low-pitch voice. Yele, the administrator of the Battle Moderators, reassured us and posted an official statement on the forum: “We are aware of the situation and we are taking every required action to keep players safe.” When contacted by our reporter, the Tanki Helpdesk confirmed that in most of the cases the battle moderators intervened in time to seal off the map before the situation degenerated into a massacre, but deplored the loss of few luckless noobs.
 
But the WHO (Whinger-Happy Organisation), a subsidiary of the THC (Trigger-Happy Clique), objected that Tanki is not doing enough and is blaming the last HTML5 updates as the source of the problem. The organisation is now demanding developers to stop melding with hazardous technology that they do not fully comprehend and to fix FLASH instead and will continue to whine till the developers see through their mistakes. They also issue recommendations to players that still want to play the game. One of their top tips issued is to “not turn your turret” so tankers can see if the terrain before them is normal and safe, and to seal-off the “Z” an “X” button control in the settings so they don’t inadvertently touch them.

 As the issue persisted, the top Tanki official, Commissioner Mariachi Marcus, finally spoke out and attributed the thefts to the crafty activities of a group called “Los Arquetectos Gangstas” (LAG). This band of desperadoes is rumoured for a while to be responsible for most of the tank-part theft, crystal-banks robberies, and steal-kills committed in the Molotov region, and according to the CM, they have now extended their shady operation to props larceny. The mastermind is believed to be “El Bandito Adriel” and his known accomplices: Vikingsral Lentando, Two-Thumb Hazelra, and The Quick Firing Hand. In order to show how serious the administration is regarding the gang, a lofty reward of 200 Coinboxes for his head, “Alive or Re-spawned” has been issued.

 

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  Alternativa's Real Motive Behind XP Boosting
By @Tokamak

Many updates have dented Tanki’s mechanics recently, some good (a few) and some bad (many), but there is a big one which left the community of players utterly dumbfounded. This update was beyond the typical “the bad, the good and the ugly” debate and it raised many adolescent eyebrows. I am talking about the summer boosting of funds and experience experiment: x2 funds and x3 experience for two whole months.

That is a hell of an experiment, bigger and longer than any other experiment done by TO in the past, surpassing in scale and length the infamously Matchmaking and the Supplies tests. At first, eager players were excited with the prospect to cash-in crystals and to rank more rapidly. However, other players, that usually scrutinise and decipher every Alternativa moves, updates, sneezes and font size change in TO’s -propaganda- communication, were quick to extricate another foul play conspiracy from the mischievous developers.

Life carried on as usual, but when we all expected this experiment to end, Tanki shockingly prolonged it and even increased the experience rate from x3 to x4. More players started to question Alternativa real motivation, and more improvident rumours spread out, but eventually Pierre (not his real name), a helper with a high moral code, clumsily leaked the real goal behind the summer boost:

 It is true that having helpers with low ranks doesn’t make Tanki look professional, it seems that hiding the rank of the all the -helper- players on the forum was not enough...

 

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  Parkour Conquers New Heights
By @Merovingian

“Parkour activities have exploded on Tanki this year showing that its popularity has conquered new heights thanks to its practitioners. This sky-rocketing situation gave a push for Tanki to go to the next level and to leap towards new horizons. I am proud to announce you that we further developed the parkour interest by the conclusion of a deal with the worldwide extreme sport X-Games franchise for 2021.” This flipping news announced by the Community Manager Marcus, during the 2020 Parkour Survival Challenges was received positively by the parkourist supporters.

 

It is true that the parkour community literally have jumped in surprise to the announcement and have blasted the forum with joy. However, it is needless to say that behind the demonstrated enthusiasm of Tanki forum administrators regarding this parkour activity expansion we can clearly feel the work of Tanki Online eXecutive Income Comity (TOXIC) behind it. It is rumoured among players that the goal of this group is to make money by any means such as implementing any pay-to-win feature or to do whatever it takes to increase its income.
 
Poking further, our dedicated reporters have dug up more juicy details about the deal: The events, called “Parkour X-Games” will rock around the world and land at several key places and renowned towns - among them Berlin, Rio, Chernobyl, Monte-Carlo…. - with the grand finale in a former gold mine in Iran. The events will be composed of different competition types such as OMP (one-man parkour), tandem and TOF (teams of four). Each participant could perform in one or more of the following formats: Freestyle, Challenge, Ride in the Park, Best Trick or Silence Moon Air.
 
Yes, you read it well, Silence Moon Air! According to our anonymous source this is a special format under low gravity, and it will take place at the Sea of Tranquillity on the Moon! I was just joking here, actually Moon Air will take place on earth with the use of Alternativa Teck’s Anti-gravity generators to simulate the Moon low gravity. These Russian-made devices are based on revolutionary technology developed and created by Prof. Hazel Nut’Rah, head science developer at Alternativa department. It has been reported that the generator has a slight irritating side effect that could be annoying to humans in the form of an continuous humming psychedelic background noise. Therefore the format requires contestants to wear ear plugs to avoid the strong desire to self-destruct when exposed to the sound emission for too long.
 
The current top Tanki parkour teams have already demonstrated interest to this extreme sport competition and has shared with us their personal thoughts on the prospect to compete:

> Dynastyque, the leader of the Heavenly Tankers Mastering Leaping Skills parkour club [HTML5] declared that “this is a positive move for all the parkourist aficionados that will bring a new international dimension to parkour.” And when asked about the competition he replied, “Other clubs are bunch of old geezers with has-been tricks and they are afraid to go higher, but one can never fly too high, this is why we will beat them easy.”

> SwiftMammoth, the leader of the Flying Lonesome Angels Shattering Heaven parkour club [FLASH], replied to the attack, “Bru!? HTML5 team sucks big time, they are just a bunch of clumsy noobies that are happy when achieving wheelies and towers in low-gravity mode. Anyway, I have been fighting and flitting for ages to promote parkour, and it is about time that Tanki takes this noble and skilled discipline seriously.”

Well, tankers, here you have it. As you can see, the competition is already hot and fierce, so expect lots of entertainment this coming year in the Parkour X-Games tournament. We wish them all the best!

 

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  Stop Global Extinction
By @Tokamak

Professor Ihnau Nossin'gud, during a TED Conferences presentation at the prestigious Flash University of Neo-Kungur, has raised the alarm regarding the dramatic decline of the fragile and rare inhabitant of Tanki Online since the introduction of the Matchmaking system.

According to him, the latest surveys have shown a worrying deterioration of the situation with the number of players reaching near zero. Consequently, his calling the Multinational Agency for Recovery and Conservatory of Uncanny Species (MARCUS), the web organisation in charge of the listing and ranking the threatened species in the video game industry, to move this species’ status from the “Critically Endangered” (CR) to “Extinct in the Web” rank (EW).

The provided figures demonstrated that the number of Dictators not fighting (and waiting for gold) has decreased by a factor of a hundred in the last two years. And more recently, during the two months of summer, the number of players AFK (Awaiting Flash Kaput) has completely disappeared. “If nothing is done now”, says Professor Ihnau Nossin'gud, “damage from the Matchmaking system and the Summer boost will be permanent, and we will face the total extinction of the Mults in Tanki Online.”

The Chief Mult Marcus has acknowledged the severity of the issue and generously unblocked a fund of 100 Coinboxes for the cause (the equivalent of his daily earning). The CM has set up a task force of experts in Multology led by the MAF (the Multing Administrator Federation) and supported by the highly professional Dictator reporters’ team. Their objective will be to immediately issue a “Beginner’s Guide to Mult” and publish it on all existing social media.

“This is with Hate, Sacrifice and … whatshisname, you know the random guy... anyway, that we will start to repopulate Tanki Online with fresh and strong Mult” the CM heartedly promised.

 

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We hope that you enjoy this issue. Please like this post and you will receive a pack of Oxford Commas for free. So long, Mults…

 
  &    _Ткамáк

Previous issue of The Leaky Mult:
+ The Leaky Mult #1 by Illuminati & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #2 by Illuminati & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #3 by GrandExecutioner, mydoom.exe & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #4 by The Merovingian 
+ The Leaky Mult #5 by Given, Viking4s & The Merovingian

_{TLM is the world's first truly independent, non-profit, viewer-supported news and documentary service. It does not accept advertising, government or corporate funding in order to provide real and independent news imbued with verifiable facts, history and context. Its mission is to engage millions of viewers in solving the critical problems of our times, and fighting against the evil chicken industry that we vow to put down once for all. Potatoes are our friends, please respect them. -Oreos- Cookies are our friends too, however it is OK to eat them because they are so sweet.}

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved.

Good Lord, it's been nearly a year since I've seen The Leaky Mult. Those were some good times back last year, pre-covid, actually being able to pass my exams, but enough from me; let's move on to this piece. These are some really strong contributions from our new writer Tokamak there and top quality as always from Merovingian. Overall, it was a hilarious and intriguing column I'd be glad to welcome back anyday given that Tokamak doesn't face the same fate as your previous promising young writer Given. Hope to see this return soon!

Edits: minor grammar changes; see spoiler for a few tips.

Spoiler

A majority were Oxford commas, so just remember to save a couple of those free packs for yourself when writing. Otherwise, it's just to add a comma after an introductory phrase. (but not before).

For example, you can say "I found a pizza box in the car" without a comma separating the phrase "in the car" and "I found a pizza box", but if you wrote "In the car, I found a pizza box", then you would need the comma to separate it. Hope that made sense!

 

[Merovingian 656]

13 hours ago, Person_Random said:

For example, you can say "I found a pizza box in the car" without a comma separating the phrase "in the car" and "I found a pizza box", but if you wrote "In the car, I found a pizza box", then you would need the comma to separate it. Hope that made sense!

No, it does not make sense, why did you not share that pizza with me? 
I feel betrayed.

[Venerable 2,967]

The Mult has leaked again...

Spoiler

epikalistic, as usual.

great work Tokamak! I suggest that you use Inspect element next time to actually make the name "Pierre"... See:

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by Venerable
Added pic

[Tokamak 1,021]

2 hours ago, Venerable said:

The Mult has leaked again... epikalistic, as usual.

great work Tokamak! I suggest that you use Inspect element next time to actually make the name "Pierre"... See:

Thanks :D

We make due diligence to never reveal our sources for their safety, but if you can guess its identity due to the incompetence of the publisher, and this leads to the source to be bullied or cursed or even to die from a purely accidental drowning with his hands attached in the back and his feet sealed in a concrete block, well it would be an honest mistake from our part (sorry) and this is life  

Edited December 8, 2020 by Tokamak

[Viking4s 10,791]

I was not kicked, I left 

[r_Given6 859]

On 12/8/2020 at 12:15 AM, Person_Random said:

given that Tokamak doesn't face the same fate as your previous promising young writer Given

Got too busy with JEE preparation, will surely begin writing again in the latter half of 2022. (If Tanki survives till then. )

Really entertaining piece! TLM never dissapoints.