If the English Community was a Pirate Crew… [Old Piece Never Published - By Anonymous]

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

The following is a piece which a friend of mine back in the day wrote and shared with me. If you're an old timer you might be able to guess who by the style of the writing. He never bothered publishing it, but I just found it and thought it'd be interesting. It's not for the story per se, but I thought it'd be cool to share what Tanki old-timers were all about, because upon visiting the game I find that I know almost no one; it seems everyone I'd known either moved on as well or changed their nicknames.

This is from December 2016.

~*~*~

If the English Community was a Pirate Crew…

 
It was a busy Tuesday – Many tankers, barely arrived home from school, sprawled along the sidewalks playing with the newest Hunter/Rico action figures. Hordes of high schoolers sat motionless at their computer screens, mouths half open with cryptic words such as “Lagger mult” occasionally slipping from their lips. A Reporter surfing the internet (searching for a good Chicken costume for this year's Halloween) happily procrastinated the writing of an article about the effects Drugs have upon a player’s subconscious. 

 

Then, Me…Oufa, strode out of his dwelling. Immediately, a huge crowd formed. Plastic Hunter action figures could be seen strewn, forgotten, across the neighboring sixteen miles of roads. Me…Oufa proclaimed, “Lets all get on a pirate ship.”

 

Without thinking, the huge throng of people followed Me…Oufa down the roads to a harbor they had never realized existed, known as “Solikamsk Harbor”. A few people strayed from the crowd to visit a local McMonkey’s Drive In, but other than that, the mass was just as numerous as before. 

 

At this exact moment, a stroke of pure brilliance struck the Reporter. “What if,” he thought, “I wrote an article that had actual news in it?” 

 

The Reporter had just heard the surge of Me…Oufa’s fans as they passed his house (it’s impossible to miss the constant cries of ‘Add me, OUFA.”). Instinctively sensing a good news story, he put on his sunglasses and swag reporter helmet, and jogged out his front door, in search of a place he’d never heard of: Solikamsk.

 

The ship was spectacular. Liverpoolaum very aptly described it as “nice” while GhostRider750 claimed it was “almost as cool as Mount Timpanogos.” Some of the younger followers of Me…Oufa were enthralled by the ship's 70% Styrofoam structure, while others said, “Unity will be way cooler.” 

 

All this aside, players soon began boarding the ship. A mysterious man called “Cap’n Semyon Kirov” was at the helm. Dilsharox happily roamed the ship, chanting “GOOD LUCK” at anyone who caught his eye. Just before the ship was about to depart, a solitary figure known by the name Rem was spotted on the dock beside the ship. Boldly, this ‘Rem’ declared: “See you tomorrow.” 

So long Remult. 

 

The ship backed out of the bay, only bumping into a few ships on the way out. Happy passengers gleefully shouted, “OMG PARKOUR!” after a tussle with an especially large cargo ship. A few of the sailors controlling the ship complained about the “stupid nub camera update is unplayable how am I supposed to drive like this omg noob devs mod ban pls” on the drive out. 

 

In only a short time, the pirate ship was upon the high seas. A salty breeze lightened the players’ moods after it was discovered that no one had brought any food. HichigoShiro, ever an optimist, stated, “Everything will work out. Just You_Watch.” Hichigo was immediately added upon the "first to be eaten in case of cannibalism" list. Fortunately for him, after numerous nickname changes, it was unclear who Hichigo was anymore. Nonetheless, many people still feel a strange twinge of hunger when they glance at LetMeTouchYou's face.

 

It wasn’t long after this that a mysterious jackrabbit appeared out of nowhere. The rabbit (or ‘wabbit’, as is preferred) had long, floppy ears and called itself Darn_Slow (FBI censored his real name). Cap’n Kirov addressed these words to the rabbit:

“This is an international community and we do not celebrate Easter. Kindly leave or a ban may be issued.” 

However, the Wabbit stuck around nonetheless. 

 

Life proceeded quite happily after that. Yisroel.Rabin constantly took portraits of anyone who wished. Just about everyone took a few photos of mysterious black shapes, supposedly whales (seaweed), that occasionally showed up in the ocean. Whenever a seagull was sighted, tankers shouted “POTD! POTD!” and snapped a few photos. 

 

At some point, a hand was outstretched from the water and pulled itself into the boat. Surprisingly, the hand was attached to a body; Issho_Fujitora's body. Issho claims to be the only passenger not rescued in the 2014 Bermuda Sinking. Sadly, no one cares for his pasta anymore. 

 

Sonofchrysalis3 began an argument-discussion with a number of tankers, convincing them of the error of their ways. After much tumult and multiple times of sonofchrysalis3 telling about another case of his sister being bullied, things eventually settled down. 

 

A few hours passed without excitement. Then, a disturbance began. 

 

DanTheKiller1 and Robbie56 were organizing a mutiny against Semyon Kirov. They planned on instating Robbie56 in place of Cap’n Kirov. Robbie promised free chicken to anyone who helped his endeavor, so of course nearly everyone joined in this small revolt. Robbie walked up to the Captain.

“Get out of my way noob.”  

 

This insurrection was quickly over when F0rte, Sewegart, and Yele descended upon DanTheKiller1 and Robbie56. The uprising was at an end.

 

A couple minutes later, the Russians arrived. 

 

The Russians came out of nowhere in a massive ship that was not only M3, but XT. The massive pirate ship pulled right up to the English Community’s Ship. Grappling hooks were soon tossed, connecting the two vessels. The Russians boarded the English Ship with swagger. It remains unclear of a certain Hamster tipped the Russians off on the English' whereabouts in one of his 3vil plots aimed at world domination.

 

Some of the English players fought back. Members of All Kind fought valiantly struggled to destroy the enemy Russians. Lankbouv and Insane_Thunder were chiefest among these EN heroes. However, a pony kept in the stables known as Chrysalis’sThirdSon did not help the English cause. He told tales to tankers about peace and happiness, about why tankers should not bully others and how to deal with bullies. This pony/Pegasus (it is unclear which) strongly advocated the cause of peace, commanding players not to fight against the Russians. 

 

The battle was still somewhat close despite the Pony's wishes. Nevertheless, the Russians took possession of the English Boat. Their leader, Kasim, quickly laid out the Russian demands. 

 

“Дайте нам курицу. Много это.”

 

Unfortunately, no one understood this Russian message. After a few minutes of waiting, the Russians grew impatient and set up planks off the side of the ship. One by one, each member of the English Community was forced into walking off the plank into the abyss below. 

 

When it was our Reporter’s turn, he stood at the end of the plank. With life flashing before his eyes, he finally had the courage to confess his undying love for Meliora. Then, he took the leap.

 

Fortunately, the Reporter landed three feet below, on the same dock they had begun their voyage from. The rest of the English community was gathered around on harbor, save Canadarules who was running away with Semyon’s Glasses. Rem strutted about, quite smug. It was at this moment that the Reporter realized that it had been just about twenty four hours since the time of the ship’s departure. 

 

This concludes the Reporter’s account. It was a story full of adventure, heroism, skulduggery, and swashbuckling peril upon the high seas. Despite the fact that the only thing pirated was Semyon’s glasses, it remains a tale to be told for many generations. The only thing that players still feel a tinge of disappointment about was that Chicken did not play a larger role in the story. 

 

~ Anonymous

[Sabry 1,072]

What a great work !

[Venerable 2,967]

We return, dear readers, after a brief hiatus to bring to you all a very different piece - a piece that will surely make you chuckle or smile (or shed a few tears of nostalgia). @Yisroel.Rabin, a former Reporter, made a surprise appearance and posted this entertaining account in the AWS. Read on and find out - What if the English Community was a Pirate Crew?

Spoiler

Pssst... who's the mysterious author of this piece? Any guesses?

 

[Lose 881]

Why choose between smiling or crying when you can do both

[Lankbouv 6,347]

(S)pain

 

It was worth logging in to see this though.

Also, the writer is Goldrock, though the chicken references made me consider Hogree.

 

And Rabin, everyone moved on because everyone moved on.  All that are left are the failures, especially the current CM (and some nice new people).

Edited July 19, 2021 by Lankbouv

[Incorp 2,084]

Lol poor semyon I miss him cute guy