I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH. SPOILER ALERT: helpers...

[a1653 77]

Firstly, this article is a joke, which means that you should be laughing your heads off right now, or, in my mind, your head should be coming off your neck and rolling onto the floor, and you should be picking your head back up and screwing it back onto your neck with a screwdriver.  And if you don't have a screwdriver? You'll have to go to your local hardware store with no head on and buy a screwdriver. Now, before I get to the funny part, let me get things straight: I will pick on the helpers today, but only the ones who have given me their consent via PM.

It is now time for picking on none other than... you guessed it...Or did you????... THE HELPERS. Now to the stage, which is online and happens to be this article, so that this spectacle of picking on some of the helpers might be shown in front of all humans who reside in the tankiverse. I wonder how humans can live in the internet?
"Ladies and gentlemen of the tankiverse, welcome to today's performance of...you guessed it...Or did you?... the world-renowned comedy...'Picking on some helpers!'" Applause spreads throughout the room almost simultaneously and dies not nearly as quickly as it came as the announcer, which happens to be me, says, with a bow, "Thank you, thank you", which causes the applause to die down and me to proclaim, "Today's contestants have been taken from their battles/work/duties/etc and kidnapped by my loyal assistants who are currently releasing them from captivity. Yes, we did have to pull out dead helpers from battles. Yes, the doctor was called. Yes, we had a funeral and buried, them, so that the humans outside of the tankiverse would not know of our secret. That secret being, of course, that we can revive dead people!" And, while I was going off on that tangent that answered all of your questions, the escapees ran from their captors and onto the stage. "Here they are." And motioning to the escapees, I continue, "Miserable, aren't they? My assistants have had a hard time preventing them from escaping as they brought them here. The captives thought they might try and escape again here, hence they ran out from under the curtains and onto the stage." And turning to my assistants, I whisper, "Have all the precautions been taken to prevent their escape?" "Yes", whispers the one who is obviously the leader because I know him to be the leader. "Good." I then turn towards the audience, and continue my narrative. 

"Now, on to our lineup for today, which is made up of only three helpers because these three miserable specimens are the only ones that I could find anything to pick on. Now, the first in line is... administrator extraordinaire...the one and only...DARKOPERATIVE!!!" And with a dramatic flourish of my arm, I introduce DarkOperative, causing wild applause to erupt from the audience, and causing DarkOperative to give a bow, along with the words, "Thank you, thank you." I then continue my monologue with the words, "Now to the part you have been dying for, the part in which I pick on the helpers. You're first, DarkOperative. You know, you absolutely utterly must be one of those dark characters, like Voldemort*, the white witch**, etc from the world of fiction, who has, I have utterly no idea how, escaped from the world of fiction. Maybe it's as simple as Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban*. I wonder if the fictional police force has got a warrant to search Tanki Online for you."
And, as per their custom, applause erupted from the audience, after they had stopped laughing and fumbling about for their screwdrivers and had picked their heads back up and screwed them back on, of course. I then continue my comedic monologue with the words, "Now to the second victim...I mean volunteer, who is... Content helper, eSports helper, and Newspaper Administrator extraordinaire who has contributed vast contributions to the Tankiverse...the one and only...PERSON_RANDOM!!!" And as I perform another dramatic flourish with my arm to serve the purpose of introducing Person_Random, applause erupts from the audience. Person_Random then steps forward and gives a bow with the words, "Thank you, thank you." I then continue my monologue with the words, "You're next, Person_Random. Or should I say Random_Person? He must have been randomly generated by one of those online random name generators. I've no idea how he escaped the internet. I wonder how the internet police are going to find him now?" And once again applause erupts from the audience, who are still trying to get their heads to stay still while they fumble about for their screwdrivers, as their heads keep coming off from laughing.
I then continue my narrative, "Now onto our next contestant." And the audience, who sometimes take people literally, including me, all run up onto the stage and onto the last contestant. "No, I didn't mean sit, stand, lie, etc on the last contestant! I meant that we were going to pick on our last contestant" The audience sighed, and even before the first few words came from my lips, the offenders had adopted their puppy eyes, begging for mercy...
A random person who might be Person_Random: "Half an hour later, everyone has finally settled down, after being completely embarrassed, of course..."
I finally continued my monologue with the words, "Now before I introduce our last contestant, I beg you to make him deaf with your applause, for reasons that will be shown soon, as our last contestant is... Newspaper Reporter extraordinaire who is the contributor of vast contributions to the Tankiverse... the one and only... VENERABLE!!!" And the audience erupts in deafening applause, causing Venerable to step forward and give a bow with the words, "Thank you, thank you." I then continue my monologue with the words, "You're last in line, Venerable. Or should I say Vulnerable Venerable? He is, after all, the one who has been whimpering the most since the helpers came onto the stage. Do you now see why I wanted you, the audience, to try to make him deaf? Because of his vulnerability, of course." "NO I HAVE NOT!" screams he, Vulnerable Venerable. "Oh yes you have, I say..."
A random person who is from the future and who might be Person_Random: "A week later, and they both have died from lack of breath, food, and water whilst continuously arguing. The police are due to be fired any day now because of their absolute puzzlement concerning the case, which means they have started to continuously solve jigsaw puzzles instead of working out cases..."
And for the last time, applause erupts from the audience, who are still trying to get their heads to stay still. I then bid the audience farewell, who still can't keep their heads under control for reasons you should know. 

 

*If you haven't read harry potter, then go read it to satisfy your curiosity!  

**If you haven't read the chronicles of narnia, then go read it to satisfy your curiosity! 

I hope you enjoyed this article. I trust that you laughed as much, or more, than the audience did. 

Edited June 21, 2021 by a1653

[Venerable 2,969]

Approved!

 

a1653 has written a nice and neat little humor piece for the AWS readers, and has managed to annihilate three specific Helpers of the game, including me. We therefore ban player a1653 from posting in the AWS for the next thirty-six centuries. A well-written piece, albeit a short one, which does make one chuckle now and then. 

As far as the overall presentation is concerned, the article could have been formatted better, for reading a text wall without paragraphs and appropriate spacing is difficult. I did not find any major grammar or spelling mistakes, so that's a good thing. 

Always remember that while writing a humor piece, never assume that the reader will laugh. Humor should flow naturally and not be forced. You began quite well, but the "plot" became slightly repetitive towards the end. I would have loved a bit more for each Helper, as every "picking" episode seemed a bit short and left me longing for more. 

Great first article, and we warmly welcome you to the AWS! Looking forward to your future works!

Edits:

Spoiler

• Couple of tiny typos - proofread your work at least once before submitting
• Formatted the article a bit, added paragraphs (feel free to change it if you want - my goal was to make the article easier to read)
• Overall, a very clean piece grammar-wise :)

 

[a1653 77]

On 4/15/2021 at 12:20 PM, Venerable said:

Approved!

 

a1653 has written a nice and neat little humor piece for the AWS readers, and has managed to annihilate three specific Helpers of the game, including me. We therefore ban player a1653 from posting in the AWS for the next thirty-six centuries. A well-written piece, albeit a short one, which does make one chuckle now and then. 

As far as the overall presentation is concerned, the article could have been formatted better, for reading a text wall without paragraphs and appropriate spacing is difficult. I did not find any major grammar or spelling mistakes, so that's a good thing. 

Always remember that while writing a humor piece, never assume that the reader will laugh. Humor should flow naturally and not be forced. You began quite well, but the "plot" became slightly repetitive towards the end. I would have loved a bit more for each Helper, as every "picking" episode seemed a bit short and left me longing for more. 

Great first article, and we warmly welcome you to the AWS! Looking forward to your future works!

Edits:

  Reveal hidden contents

• Couple of tiny typos - proofread your work at least once before submitting
• Formatted the article a bit, added paragraphs (feel free to change it if you want - my goal was to make the article easier to read)
• Overall, a very clean piece grammar-wise :)

 

Thanks, @Venerable! :)

@Venerable, do you have any ideas on who else I should pick on in the future? Please give at least 3 names so I can write a sequel to this article.

If you don't want your head to stay still, go and read my latest article:A comedy

[Lose 881]

On 4/16/2021 at 1:46 PM, a1653 said:

@Venerable, do you have any ideas on who else I should pick on in the future? Please give at least 3 names so I can write a sequel to this article.

Me, you, and the robot (who also may be me)  

[a1653 77]

3 minutes ago, Lose said:

Me, you, and the robot (who also may be me)  

Ha! Double agent, eh?! Not that good of a one, offering hints to one's enemies! 

Edited April 22, 2021 by a1653

[a1653 77]

You saw it? Why do I need to know that? I wish for a response! A reply, please!

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by a1653