Other [Issue 47] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - January

[Contradiction 1,242]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. It has only been a month since the last publication of the Dictator, but all manner of interesting occurrences have befallen us since. This issue, many of our stories are a bit on the dark side, but we cant always just post good news. Continue reading if you would like to hear all the secrets, behind-the-scenes details, and more! 
 
No more chicken, officials demand
By @Contradiction
 
After the previous release of the dictator, it appears that a few high-level officials are putting a stop to all things chicken. For years the Dictator has published reports and informations about chicken. Unfortunately, this is likely the last you will ever hear about this area from the Dictator. Our personnel are still bewildered about this change-- I mean, what kind of lunatic dislikes chicken? We are even more worried about the future of the Dictator. Without the topic of chicken, we really don’t know what else we can write about. 
 
A public statement from the officials was released. It was only two sentences.
“We are hereby issuing an embargo on all chicken-related material published from the Dictator. This is due to the fact that chicken, and chicken jokes, are so dead that they physically cause us to shudder while reading them.”
 
We are even more concerned about the future of the chicken industry. Without the Dictator’s constant publicity of the marvels of chicken, the extent of the damage to the chicken industry is unclear but will most likely be impactful. 
 

Discrimination and intolerance by the Tanki Online Administration
By @Contradiction
 
Greetings, readers. It would be impossible to call this winter a calm one, even without the unspeakable bigotry still echoing throughout the community. This year, the Tanki administration did the unthinkable: They published a topic in which the staff administrators wished everyone a happy new year. Some even went as far as to say “happy holidays”. Naturally, the community was quick to protest. One such person, going by the name “misanthrope14733”, stated his frank thoughts on this monumental act by Tanki Online. 
 
“This whole thing has gone way too far. When I first saw the topic, I wondered if it was some sort of hacker who had taken over Semyon Kirov’s account. But no, one after another, each administrator replied. What kind of sick joke is this?”.  
Another individual, “i.is.maladroit”, had similar thoughts. 
 
“By what right does tanki online believe it can wish us all a happy new year? The corruption of Tanki is now very clear. What gives them the permission to interpose their own values and beliefs into our lives? What makes them assume that each one of us wants to have a happy new year? Some of us don’t want to be happy. Some of us don’t want to celebrate the new year! Some of us are dead and won’t have any chance to be happy during the new year! It is absurdly offensive and I would advise you all to join my lobbyist group in order to remove Tanki Online from the web.”
  

Please don’t idle your engines!
By @Contradiction
 
As the winter progresses, temperatures drop and the snow rises. The overcast skies and gloomy glares of the two-dozen snowmen set up by your annoying neighbor may make it easy to forget your duty to the environment. But, despite the cold, your responsibility to the Earth grows only more important as time goes by. 
 
On behalf of the entire Dictator team, I beseech you to remember that carbon emissions can kill. It is of the upmost importance to be circumspect in the use of your tank, as the carbon dioxide released from your engine can be responsible for the deaths of millions of penguins in Antarctica. I know that TheKillerPenguin is more than a little bit annoying, but this doesn’t completely justify his death. 
 
We are begging  you to stop your engine whenever you find yourself at a standstill. Even if your tank is not moving, your engine continues to idle. The best times to stop your engines is when you are a Mammoth/Twins camping on the flag, or when you are sitting on top of the goldbox symbol. Another great opportunity is when you are in the middle of capturing the last flag of a battle, but then you randomly stop to ask “admin gold pls?”. Be sure to stop your engine as you type this message. 
 

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Mysterious server disappearances- Aliens are blamed
By @Contradiction
 
Here at the Dictator, it is our duty to report interesting and strange items of news. In this piece, we will provide you with a remarkably odd, yet true, story. 
 
Over the past weeks, many of us have been aware of Tanki servers flickering in and out of existence. Sometimes, we would plan to switch servers to join RU2, only to find that RU2 no longer existed. For all of us to whom this has happened, I know that this betrayal was almost more than we could take. But it kept happening, and on other servers at that. 
 
Our operatives have strived to uncover the secret behind these departures. The trail was a long and sinister one. We have found that these “disappearances” should really be called “abductions”. The extra-terrestrials behind this disaster appear to be studying conducting experiments upon these servers, only to place them back in the game in a few hours. 
 
Here is an interview with a player who was in a server as it was abducted:
“There I stood, a Wasp/Shaft in Düsseldorf, trying to find out why everyone else was spinning in circles. Then, all of a sudden, everything vanished. The light and sounds of the battlefield disappeared from my vision. For an untold amount of time, I hovered in the gunmetal-gray darkness. Then, I gathered the courage to click the “Server connection closed: Re-enter the game” button. With a scream trembling with the joy of survival, I found myself in another server. I kissed the ground.”
 

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Fowl Update - TNT joins the anti-chicken movement
By @TriNitroToIuene
 
The battle between the chicken industry and the brass has taken a new, drastic turn. TNT, one of the explosive members of the chicken-industry-faithful reporter squad has switched sides and is now advocating for the removal of chicken from The Dictator Products, something even his own boss didn't expect.
 
"This is unacceptable", El Hamster said in a press statement. "As a Reporter, one must take an oath for lifetime dedication to chicken. LIFETIME! And now we find out that one of our gang, like a common mult, has joined the dark side!" The reporters demand retribution, but El Hamster doesn't exactly mind - "It's just that I didn't believe he would do this. As long as TNT doesn't eat hamsters, I'm fine with whatever he does."
 
Meanwhile, TNT had something to say for himself. "I'm a vegetarian!" he declares. "I hate chicken. What's the point of campaigning for something I hate and don't eat anyway?" And now, people claim a ReporterIntelligence goof up, demanding to know how a vegetarian with no interest in chicken was ever allowed to join the TO Newspaper. "I'm getting sick of you now. Get out before I bust my ninja moves," was all El Hamster had to say.
 
In fact, a band of reporters is hunting down TNT as he speaks, thirsty for revenge. Stay safe, TNT. And don't come back without banning all the chicken in the dictator, down to a C.
 

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Tanki Wonders - Your Subconscious Questions Answered
By @Vikingsrallentando
 
TO Covertry has persuaded its way into the Dictator's heart and seeks to clear up some of the many Tanki Wonders of the world. This poem will change your entire view of the game itself. Not to worry, we have provided a link to the original poem, in case you ever feel like actually clicking on something worth while.

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Based on Why? by H. P. Stevens
 
How?
 
Do you know how the Gold Hunters catch all the Golds?
Or how Isidas maintain score at top?
How Fire/Wasp format has no form of scolds?
How Smokeys critical at nearly every pop?
Do you know how the G’issimos get XTs?
And how everyone else gets their tank unstuck?
How do most mults get away with ruining the teams?
Do you know? Well, I’ll tell you,

 It's Luck
 

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How to join the Reporter team 
By @Fen-Harel
 
Bribe El Hamster. 
 
If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

February 2015

March 2015

August 2015

December 2015

Edited July 24, 2017 by Hexed

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Yet another classic article. I'm loving it, keep it up!

[Quarks 2,255]

I like it, per usual.

[KillerGnat 3,135]

The second one and the last one were my favorites.

[lukey0 27,543]

Lovely! I will sure keep the last one in mind. :P

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

I loved the one about aliens - just classic.

[williew 1,999]

Good read - It made my sunday evening :D

[Penguin40 1,714]

Lel, probably the best from the Dictator yet. Particularly dat last one - 'gets ready to bribe Lhamster'.

 

And I have some comments for two of them - check in spoilers. Warning - extreme attempts at humour below. Enter at your own risk. 

 

 

"On behalf of the entire Dictator team, I beseech you to remember that carbon emissions can kill. It is of the upmost importance to be circumspect in the use of your tank, as the carbon dioxide released from your engine can be responsible for the deaths of millions of penguins in Antarctica. I know that TheKillerPenguin is more than a little bit annoying, but this doesn’t completely justify his death."

Turns out I'm immune to carbon dioxide *_* Time to give my secret immunity potion to every penguin on Earth. And yeah, I don't let carbon dioxide emission from my engine. I think I'll have to start the Anti-Carbon Dioxide Emission Association. Who's with me?

 

 

 

"The battle between the chicken industry and the brass has taken a new, drastic turn. TNT, one of the explosive members of the chicken-industry-faithful reporter squad has switched sides and is now advocating for the removal of chicken from The Dictator Products, something even his own boss didn't expect.

"This is unacceptable", El Hamster said in a press statement. "As a Reporter, one must take an oath for lifetime dedication to chicken. LIFETIME! And now we find out that one of our gang, like a common mult, has joined the dark side!" The reporters demand retribution, but El Hamster doesn't exactly mind - "It's just that I didn't believe he would do this. As long as TNT doesn't eat hamsters, I'm fine with whatever he does."

"Hmm, so TNT turned to the dark side of the Food Force? Time to beat him and the Potato Empire - before he defeats the Chicken Resistance and establishes Potato rule..." - Pen "Luke" Skywalker.

 

And yes, I like Star Wars. No offense.

 

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

Cool, im glad they are dropping the chicken ;)

[Lhamster 4,081]

And now the Potato rises to take its place :D

[opidude 437]

NO. NO. NO. The chicken shall not die!!!!

[Kruthundor 33]

nice job it was a good artical