Other [Issue 61] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - February '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. It's been a year since we've last brought the latest inside-scoops to your desktop, so there's quite a bit to cover. So, if you're up to being filled in on all the latest news, keep scrolling!

 

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Giggles in TO – The clowns strike again

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Back in what I won't fact check was September, scary clown sightings erupted into what one could call "a common occurrence", and rumors of so-called "tragic clown killings" become a thing as well. But, when the following month sprouted, the common use of knowledge told humans not to stay with one trend for too long. Thus being, the clown killers and their freakish whereabouts suddenly died.

 

Or did they?

 

Recently, Tanki Online Technical Support have been receiving numerous complaints about, and I quote, "the scary red-nosed guy who tried to kill me." At first, the technical support team thought it was just another troll, but they were wrong big time. There have been stories, some even with video evidence, of scary clown sightings and attempted murder on the maps of Tanki Online.

 

So, please, if you see a clown in a battle, type out "/vote scary clown". Thanks! We'll try and keep you as safe as possible.

 

 

Pro Pass being shifted to the Shop; riots break out, emergency declared

By

 

Not long ago, developers were considering shifting the Pro Pass, a pass available in the 'Special' section of the Garage which allows you to join special customized battles, to the Shop. Yes, you read that right. The Shop. Upon interviewing, Semyon Strizhak of the team, said: "We just want to make sure that buyers get an equal share in buying Pro passes, so they can fully dominate others in those battles too. They feel reluctant in buying things from the Garage, and so we are taking the Pro Pass and stocking it into the shelves of the Shop, where it will lie under the stares of non-buyers. We also feel like that pro battles were being infected by too many green Smokies and Hunters. Good luck, tankers!"

 

With the airing of this statement came a huge unrest, and all hell broke loose. "AA- I- NO- BUY---ER. KI--- AAAAII--" was heard when the mic was opened up outside TO HQ gates, here in Perm. The tankers have had enough, stating that they want something good to happen from the developing team for once. Riots broke out just a few hours ago - people started coming out of their tanks for the first time in years and started painting horrible stuff on the walls, resulting in some pretty serious shootouts. Now going live to Russia:

 

"Tanki, now confirmed, has now shifted the Pro Pass just minutes ago. There's a huge wave of Strikers coming. Perm has declared sirens. Hear: 'WARR--' This is Dox, reporting live from Perm, Rus- *static radio* "

 

 

Somewhat-new Striker turret infected with computer virus

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

A bit over a month ago, the Striker turret was released. Although it received a lot of criticism, it had many fans. The thing is, Tanki Online Top Secret files show that there's actually a virus which was overlooked during development and testing. The virus takes affect once the turret is bought, and isn't fixable.

 

First, you'll notice you'll have a little less lag in battles. Then, after about a week or so, your computer will stop working (i.e. it won't turn on, even if you try unplugging all plugs and plugging them back in again). Then, your electricity will shut down; then, your house doors won't open. Then, as soon as you think of getting in (or out) using the window, those will lock as well.

 

After exactly five days of you being homeless (because the virus will take affect at any house you stay, so you're stuck on the street), your house will explode. After that, the city you're in will explode. Then the Earth will explode, then then solar system will explode, then the universe will cease to exist.

 

But no worries, the Tanki Online Virus Fixers group are looking into it right now. They're just having a bit of trouble getting the door to open. I wonder if they tried the window.

 

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What is this map?

By @Sia

 

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vestibulum vitae rutrum ipsum. Donec consectetur, mi hendrerit bibendum eleifend, magna massa tempor neque, volutpat scelerisque erat mi id erat. Pellentesque erat odio, lobortis non felis id, facilisis tincidunt tellus. Nunc fringilla lobortis tortor. Nullam dignissim pellentesque mi et luctus. Proin non augue egestas, egestas massa nec, lacinia augue. Vestibulum ante massa, varius nec ullamcorper in, sollicitudin eu enim. Ut eget elit mi. Sed vel sapien vel magna dictum porta. Maecenas scelerisque ante eu facilisis dapibus.

 

Proin consequat mollis nisi, euismod sagittis ex congue vulputate. Aliquam turpis orci, fringilla et tortor vulputate, consequat tempor elit. Quisque tincidunt vel augue a mattis. Etiam luctus blandit ipsum sit amet tincidunt. Nullam blandit sagittis augue, quis rutrum urna. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Maecenas vitae interdum odio, eget mattis metus. Suspendisse lacinia efficitur justo pharetra vestibulum.

 

 

In in sollicitudin turpis. Nulla semper rhoncus tellus, vel tempus est vestibulum eu. Vivamus non ante porta, tincidunt tortor at, finibus purus. Donec sodales mauris ut lorem volutpat bibendum. Cras commodo cursus tincidunt. Nulla eu augue vestibulum, mattis magna vel, finibus nisl. Cras convallis, nulla eu suscipit lacinia, risus justo ullamcorper ex, non mollis nibh urna ac neque. Integer tempor velit in metus aliquet, et laoreet nunc porta. Phasellus accumsan facilisis sapien id molestie. Morbi quis congue dui. Maecenas tempor velit id molestie imperdiet. Vivamus ac gravida ligula.

 

 

Quisque in tellus eros. Suspendisse placerat tellus nec cursus iaculis. Quisque ultricies finibus dolor, efficitur pharetra nibh convallis sed. Suspendisse augue nulla, rutrum id nulla dictum, dapibus vestibulum nulla. Sed cursus finibus arcu, ut elementum sapien rutrum non. Pellentesque blandit, neque ac viverra sagittis, purus urna pulvinar lorem, a auctor quam dui quis diam. Vestibulum facilisis neque et libero finibus tristique sit amet quis nisi. In blandit tincidunt arcu. Duis tincidunt hendrerit consectetur.

 

 

Tanki Builder Union on Strike

By @Blackdrakon30

 
Recently the Tanki Builder Union, known as TBU, has gone on strike as of late January. These mults workers are the people behind the scenes that create the turrets, hulls, paints, supplies, and protective modules that are shipped to your garages. The administration of Tanki Online declined to comment on the conflict, but a Union member agreed to be interviewed. They claimed that "We like money, but we can't cater to all these druggers! It's impossible accomplish this workload with our current pay! REVOLUTION! DOWN WITH THE KING!" This was followed by assorted rambling.

 

The Union members are reportedly demanding a pay of one M4 Turret of their choice per month, and every existing paint in Tanki Online. This would all be in addition to their current pay of crystals and money. My source declared that they [the TBU] wish to "reveal their status as the supreme beings of the game", rather than merely appearing to be the average nug. Negotiations are currently in progress, but until an agreement or government overthrow takes place, expect significant delays in the shipment of supplies and protection modules.

 

 

Newspaper Administrators take bribes?!

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Tanki Online Newspaper Administrators take bribes, indeed. Private Skype calls and chats show that Administrators GoldRock and Night-Sisters have accepted plenty of applicants, as well as leaked confidential information to players, based on bribes alone.

 

Such news is quite detrimental to the newspaper, as well as its reporters' private information. Things such as Reporter's phone numbers, email addresses, and more have been leaked to untrustworthy sources and other outsiders. As for the other leaked information, a lot more has been leaked: one case shows GoldRock leaking a huge part of the games java script for only 10 000 crystals and 30 of each supply. Boy, he must be pretty desperate.

 

 

A couple of newspaper reporters are to blame for this, as those few have got their way into the newspaper via bribe. There is a reporter, the name of whom I won't share *cough* Bigtimerush_bry *cough*, who has actually bribed both Administrators to accept him into reporter team, as well as hand over top secret information about the game. Food for thought, this Reporter knew about the Striker turret 2 years before it was released.

 

Further interrogation will be bestowed upon both parties, the Admins and the Reporters.

 

 

New game mode: Eat the Doritos [ETD] 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Don't ask how I got to know this one, but a new game mode is coming out in due time! The "Eat the Doritos [ETD]" game mode! In the game mode, players will each be assigned a chair to sit in. In front of the chair will be a table with a bag of Doritos on it. Your job is to eat the most Doritos and earn your team the most paints. However, there won't be "points", no, those are lame. Instead, each Dorito will resemble one calorie, and the team to gain the most calories overall wins!

 

If you're as intrigued as I was, you'll want to hear what the developers have to say about this.

 

"We wanted to create a new, unique format which no one would expect, and at the same time promote body appreciation, for some reason. We tried for hours on end to think of a format to fit into that category, but it just wasn't clicking, or at least not until snack time.

At snack time, we all received a bag of Doritos, so we started munching. Then it hit us: we needed this to be our format. So, as soon as snack time was over *insert the "20 years later" meme here*, we headed back to the drawing board and worked it all out. Genius, isn't it?"

 

 

Speed Boost embargo surrounding Island shows no signs of lifting

By @TheZigzagoonThatCan

 

Tensions between residents of Island and the Tanki Online Supply Drop Administration Committee (TOSDAC) are waxing dangerous as of late, the anger of the citizens fueled by multiple rejections of a petition to lift the prohibition on Speed Boost supply drops in the area. "We already don't have much," one member states. "We only get three full drops a day to supply our vehicles with. Granted, this small proportion makes sense in comparison to locations such as Dusseldorf and Berlin, where they require a lot more to thrive. At the same time, though, just because we're a small community doesn't mean that we can't take advantage of Speed Boosts, and we shouldn't be deprived of them. Having to buy them elsewhere is borderline highway robbery."

 

TOSDAC, however, reportedly argues against the lifting of the embargo, one executive stating that "there are few to no financial advantages of adding a new location for our cargo planes to drop Speed Boosts on Island. Fuel expenses, more workers and pilots required for deliverance of the extra supply around the clock, more life insurance policies to be added in the event of flying over dangerous territory... On a map that a Mammoth can cross in about seven seconds, we don't believe the item is even necessary." Several unauthorized cargo craft flying into Island airspace have already been shot down by a group of TOSDAC Striker enforcements, the former's hulls reportedly containing parts for black market, knockoff Speed Boost models and unusually large amounts of I-beams, brick, mortar and complicated machinery required for the construction of an automated factory. A local Reporter, @Thekillerpenguin, asks the question we're all wondering: "Where would a factory even fit there?"

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014

- August 2014

- September 2014

- October 2014

- November 2014

- January 2015

- February 2015

- March 2015

- August 2015

- December 2015

- January 2016

 

 

~ @Yisroel.Rabin

[TTK_229 1,080]

YIS  FINALLY

 

BTW MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN

jk

by the way, you spelled "Bigtimerush_Bry" wrong. It should be Hairbrush.

Edited February 4, 2017 by TTK_229

[DeathByBoss 104]

 

 

I gotta stop using striker :wacko:

[Anonono 1,233]

Awww yess its been ages since one of these! Well done what a way to dig this one up out of its grave.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Awesome as always!

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

I gotta stop using striker :wacko:

Too bad, you can't prevent the virus from wiping out humanity now, it's far too late. Prepare for the worst.

[DeathByBoss 104]

Too bad, you can't prevent the virus from wiping out humanity now, it's far too late. Prepare for the worst.

Goodbye world!! :(

[AlphaandOmega_tanker 0]

Too bad, you can't prevent the virus from wiping out humanity now, it's far too late. Prepare for the worst.

If that is so, we all would be dead by now.

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

If that is so, we all would be dead by now.

Who says we're not? :rolleyes:

[Fresh 2,390]

^^^ how did you become a moderator?? Did you not use to swear and insult on forum pm?

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

^^^ how did you become a moderator?? Did you not use to swear and insult on forum pm?

Oh dear, no. I've had a couple bans for provocation, but that was overlooked, fortunately. But swearing just isn't me. Never swore on this game, ever.

[Fresh 2,390]

ok...

Edited February 13, 2017 by Fresh