Other [Issue 33] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - March

[hogree 4,179]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper press, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But the Newspaper isn't all about boring facts and figures. What about the stuff that's been going on behind your backs this month? Here at the Dictator, we fill in where the rest of the paper does not, delivering you shocking news stories and fresh rumors direct from the battle-lines. Enjoy!

Hog:  And we're back. Let me quickly sum up this month for all those who haven't been keeping up with things. 31 Days. 744 hours. 44640 minutes. 2678400 position-Fen-finishes-in-a-game-s. It might take you a second to see what I did there. Oh, and Thought of the Day for you to mull over, sent in from an anonymous reader, location unknown but probably not Earth. "Life isn't life until you've experienced an underwater asteroid eating Isida-Mammoths in your small intestine."

 

Kev was kidnapped by the FBI and was unable to write this message. His below entry was sent via his pet fish, Albert.

 

Fen: Who would've thought I'd stick around for another issue. Either way, the Dictator is here with the latest news... literally as it's being written 30 minutes before the deadline...

---

Ditching Shaft: A new weight-loss technique hits the Interwebs!
By @hogree

 

We all know losing weight is all the rage nowadays. Having a good body and all that. Got to keep that half-visible-two-pack-when-you-tense-under-bright-light look. However, Tanki's got its own regime set out for those trying to get that perfect body. As a report stated in the popular Tanki magazine Server 1 Banter, going cold turkey off Shaft might help!

 

According to avid psychologist Phoenix-Warbird, using Shaft places the internal belief in players' minds that they are actually campers in real life. Let's imagine how this situation might pan out. You go on Tanki, play Shaft for an hour. Log off. Go out to the park. Your mates start playing a game of football. You stand there and start sniping them with an imaginary gun.

 

Ok, scratch that. Let's imagine another situation. You go on Tanki, play Shaft for an hour. Log off. Go to the gym. Your mates start having a go on the bench. But your brain convinces you that all you need to do to succeed in life is sit somewhere and watch people. So you sit down and watch. And put on weight. And take that further. Your Shaft could affect more than just your weight. Think of how you'd get along with a Shaft in real life. For me, the conversation would go a bit like this.

 

"Hi."

"Hi."

*walk away slowly*

*turn 90 degrees*

*turn another 90 degrees*

*turn 180 degrees*

*run and punch in the face*

 

Do you really want to be the Shaft among your mates? Come on dude. So what's the answer? Simple. Stop using Shaft. It makes you unhealthy, lazy and if you think you can attempt to lose weight, you'd be better off working in the chicken department of KFC. Drop the lazy machine and get that look you've been craving for. 'Cause you're worth it.

Q&A helps everything but friendship: mythical friends in a less-than-mythical duel

By @Kevred

 

Normal morning of a regular Saturday night during a typical week. Lordmostafa yawns, scratches his hairy chest, puts on his favorite pair of bunny slippers and opens his computer. As he stuffs a chicken drumstick into his mouth, he types in the web address of Tanki Online into Chrome, ready for yet another session of lagging. Suddenly, his mouth falls open and pieces of chicken fall onto the keyboard as he sees the main page news. New Q&A site has been launched! His computer then crashed as a result of chicken pieces getting stuck in the cooling vent, immediately turning his big smile upside-down.

 

Of course, Mostafa does not eat chicken (to the dismay of Mr. Hog) and does not have chest hair, so that story could not have happened. However, it is what many tankers can relate to, the day of the launch of the long-awaited site.

 

Unfortunately, not all players were satisfied. One particular individual went to such extremes as to post, “i hav sem family hostage. he giv 9999 crys, m3 gargage, gold bill and delete qna site”. Strangely, the post was edited into “tanki are awesome” at 15:34 UTC, which is around the time MarineMan2 comes online. Nevertheless, he was handed a one-day ban along with an English dictionary. 

 

The same MarineMan2 then proceeded to provoke Mostafa in a duel, after the two of them got into a fight about who was the most helpful on QnA. Upon entering the Sandbox CTF, MM2 officially debuted with “The map ain’t big enough for the two of us.” Fortunately, they however both agreed reporter Fen-Harel was small enough to fit in, so he was able to give us a full-on report of the legendary duel. The first phrase of said report consists of:

 

“MM2 shoot 1.2² seconds after moving at 3.2224m/s to the middle of the axis of the square root…”

 

Cutting out the math, we obtain:

 

“Mosty lag he fly over map then get kicked for foul play hhhh”

 

As such, MM2 won the duel with hands tied behind his back. Lead-detective snipe3000 is currently investigating rumours that MM2 would have bribed Mostafa’s WiFi provider with chicken. He will get on the case as soon as he finishes a Sponge Bob TV marathon. Stay tuned.

Questions and Answers help page is now open, featuring questionable answers

By @Fen-Harel

 

The Q&A is now separate from the forum while still remaining on the forum. Yes, we have a new page dedicated specifically to answering the toughest question about the game, life and everything. On the very first week the page was open it got filled with mind bending questions which were tackled by Tanki's own best and brightest... and @MarineMan2.

 

Featured question is of course "How to get a girlfriend" posted by an anonymous person The Dictator suspects is in some contact with @GoldRock. Naturally many players gave their advice in hopes of helping out, with useful tips such as "Don't use Mammoth, it makes you look fat. Try Hornet" and "Buy Isida and In Love and heal her all the time, it won't look awkward or weird at all". However nothing seemed to be effective enough and the players desperately went to the camping help page moderator MM2. Unfortunately MM2 didn't have enough experience in the matter if any at all, and redirected the anonymous user TheRockofGold to @I.LoveYouGoldRock. Our sources wrote down the answer on a piece of paper and sent it to The Dictator headquarters immediately. Hog quickly dropped his chicken and started reading the message which said the following: "Don't be a nug. P.S. I'm not GoldRock."

 

Hog, while baffled and confused, calmly picked up his chicken again and passed the message down to the anonymous TheRockofGold, but it appears he wasn't satisfied with the answer. Rumors say that after he returns to Tanki he'll spend his time searching for the two wise sages I.LoveYouGoldRock and I.LoveYouFen-Harel all over the RU1 server. No one is quite sure when these mysterious figures appear, but it's been reported that they met once in the RU1 server, expert witness @Remaine had this to say: "Gold, Fen, stop fooling around. Block, get back to quitting Tanki for 6 months. Arm Rest, start finishing your two months late article."

 

So it would seem the notorious question will remaine unanswered for now. All we can do is hope someone comes up with a I3rilliant idea until Goldnug forms a search expedition.

P.S. I'm not an Arm Rest, Remaine.

---

Does Tanki encourage learning? Tests suggest yes!

By @hogree

cton ro hy6

look mum i learnt a new language!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

February 2015

Edited July 30, 2017 by Hexed

[Raredust 454]

lol I love hogree's short ones. :lol:

[liverpoolaum 811]

nice i love it

[FatalError 336]

^_^

[I.LoveYouGoldRock 8]

:ph34r:

Edited May 28, 2016 by I.LoveYouGoldRock

[MarineMan2 1,164]

Questions and Answers help page is now open, featuring questionable answers

By @Fen-Harel

"Questionable answers". *Pffffffft* You're just in a tuffel because you can't troll players with answers like, "Pancakes are love, pancakes are life."

[jazz20 1,181]

Nice work :)

[CombatCat2 248]

Kev was kidnapped by the FBI and was unable to write this message.

'bout time.

[lukey0 27,543]

Loved it! Especially the last one. :lol:

[thunderousrailgunner 1,934]

Language ,,, Lol lol lol  :lol:  :lol:

[saad455 70]

really liked it

[liverpoolaum 811]

nice

[SonicTemplar 10]

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[allubhaiya 6]

do some changes in hammer

 

[Haider_L 5]

Yes Dictator is my favorite hull and i believe that it is very good hull and must be the best hull of the Year 2015 :rolleyes:

 

[Jesse_X99 47]

Hehe, favorite article :) Suprisingly a good article submitted by the goldfish, perhaps he could replace ... never mind.

[champion157_PRO 5]

what is hy6

[Kevred 1,586]

what is hy6

Russian.

 

Hehe, favorite article :) Suprisingly a good article submitted by the goldfish, perhaps he could replace ... never mind.

I have a feeling he's going to find himself in the toilet if that happens.

[rtey31 51]

This is by far my favourite part of the newspaper, apart from contests. Also, hi Kev!

[TankDestroyer890 135]

what about the miss isida thingie I loved that?

[snipe3000 678]

Lead-detective snipe3000 is currently investigating 

 

 

Yeah I love chicken so much and I also like saving mods that I investigated the crime scene. 

[hatealien 138]

nice article :)

[Modesty 577]

xD, that language thing...