Contest [Issue 38] Can you Contribute to Tanki's Finest News Source? Returns!

[GoldRock 6,165]

Do you think you can write a spoof piece, something which uses satire and sarcasm to make readers laugh? If so, you're in the right place! The team at The Dictator (Tanki's Finest News Source, I'll have you know) is looking for talented and budding columnists to contribute towards its aim of total domination of the Press section. All you have to do is the following:

- Write a short 'news' piece which should NOT be serious at all - use satire if you can, try to make it humorous! Make sure you use a good headline! You can base it around a real event or make it up completely - it's up to you!

- A good length would be anywhere between 150 and 300 words, around 200 might be best - your entry can be longer or shorter if you feel that'd be more effective, though that could mark your entry down.

 

- Please note that if you post yours soon after the release of this issue, you may get "extra points" for originality, since using other people's ideas will severely decrease your likeliness of winning. So get writing!

Check these articles from the series for examples:

 

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

February 2015

March 2015

August 2015

 

Here's just one example, taken from the very first topic:

 

"El Hamster" takes one step closer to world domination.

Alongside the new additions to the Reporter staff, another change also surreptitiously took place - a long-time member of the team known only as "El Hamster" was promoted to an administrator position. Some claim this shady character hopped over to America and held fellow admin Conan at gunpoint during the short procedure. No comments have been made by Conan on the matter.

Whilst the older Reporters knew better than to protest against this seizing of power, some of the candidate Reporters were intrigued by the nature of this mastermind. When El Hamster revealed that lives at the "3vil Planning Towers, Lhamsterville", a certain Mr. Kirby dared to question the existence of such a place. And a fellow candidate Reporter, who wishes to be addressed as Lord Harel, went one step further; he seemed to doubt the all-powerful authority of El Hamster, even going on to state that "Hamster isn't scary..."

El Hamster's rather eloquent response to this challenge was "He'll soon wish he never applied". Rumours that a minus sign has been placed in front of Lord Harel's pay for this newspaper issue are currently unconfirmed.

 

It might also be a good idea to check the results topic of the previous time this contest was held, when no entry won the top prize. That's important to note - if we at The Dictator feel that there aren't any excellent entries, we won't award 1st Place!

 

That should provide more than enough info for you to get going. But what are the prizes, you ask? What's so good about that top prize? Well, you might find them more interesting than normal...

1st Place:
- 30,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator' AND
- You will be asked if you wish to become a 'columnist' for the 'The Dictator' series, where you may write a similar short piece each month; and if it's of a high enough quality, it will be published in 'The Dictator' and a 5,000 crystal salary awarded. In other words, we'll offer you a contract!

 

2nd Place:
- 20,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator'.

3rd Place:
- 10,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator'.

Consolation prizes of 5,000 crystals may be awarded to any other entries worthy of note.

The deadline for entries is the end of August 28th. Good luck!

Edited January 7, 2018 by Hexed

[Guest Maserati]

reserved :)

[Rico_Viking_9000 942]

Reserved

Edited August 14, 2015 by Rico_Viking_9000

[Flexoo 6,980]

Crows are cawing; Concern secrets revealed!

 

Insider from KevFC provided us news from backstage of seemingly prosperous company. Dominant chickbiz establishment, presenting numerous chick(live)stock products, is facing serious threats.

 

Information sources blabbed out that trading profits decreased rapidly. Fed-up consumers complain of deficient range of goods, as once-best-loved menu consisting of grandchickburger, double chickfries and chickshake is, in their opinion, „overchicked“. As one of them said: „I am not exS.C.Y.T.H.Eed!“

 

Recently accepted chefs stumbled into disfavor of top players. Business management was not satisfied with new proposal and rejected promising ideas. Mcbananacake25, TriLemontoluene and vikingsrall-sized portions lacked „spirit of chicken cult“, thus not having a chance to be  tested by consumers.

 

Conflict between chefs and management culminated after appointee Chrysalis left her son in firm´s kitchen not knowing about his pixie nature. It was also found out that personnel wrapped meal in old letters of newspapers endangering firm´s goodwill. Headless crystals prodigality  in contests raised company´s indebtedness and can be described as a last nail hammered to coffin.

 

Absurdity? Owners did not contradict anything. We hope for best as world famous chicken company made happy thousands of customers every day.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Flexoo

[Tanker1928374655 133]

The Ebola Scare (in Tanki)

The recent outbreak of Ebola has

Edited August 17, 2015 by Tanker1928374655

[Daniel898 327]

TO’s Newspaper Team; diminished to their regular forms?

By @Daniel898

Every reporter whose username demonstrated any type of animal, in any shape or form, seemed to alter into that specific animal yesterday morning.

For instance, thekillerpenguin was detected on the coast of Antarctica threatening to consume a fellow penguin’s fish; Penguin40 with a knife in hand, Lhamster was spotted inside a cage in a local day care, getting attacked by toddlers. Mcmonkey25 was located in the Amazon Rainforest. Yes, Fen-Harel was found at a shoe shop being a footrest, naturally.

The experts claim that they “have never seen anything like it”. Except for the time hogree accidentally mixed bacon, chicken wings, and apple juice which made an enormous radioactive explosion that devastated a KFC that was nearby, but that’s another story.

The reporters who transformed into various animals show a high level of misery. This is a quote from Goldrock himself, perceived inside an abandoned mine.

“It’s absolutely terrible!” Goldrock sobbed. “I haven’t found anyone to be my m8 in this atrocious mine! Limestone, granite, obsidian! But there isn’t a single piece of gold in here! Curses!”

 

Researchers are currently looking for clues to solve the odd occurrence. If you know any clues, please contact us as soon as possible, you’ll get 50 buckets of KFC finger lickin’ good chicken. Trust us, it’s totally legit.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Daniel898

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

That's too hard

[classyplebs 1,786]

Hope mine isn't too.. edgy  :ph34r:

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

                   I can keep my hands off a keyboard about as well as Bill Cosby can keep this hands off.. well, you know what! Every day I strive to log in to claim my 838 crystal reward!

 

                  Also, another thing that just thrills be about Tanki is those amazing moments when I am flying through the air about to take a Gold Box when the wonderful system of Anti-Cheat kills me!! I get giddy just thinking of the joy it brings me! 

 

                 A few more things that just bring a light to my life is the SPECTACULAR things I'm hearing about Unity Tanki and the GREAT and extremely ORIGINAL videos Tanki YouTubers are making these days! I don't know what I'd do without these in my life!!

 

 

               All the things I'm hearing about Unity Tanki absolutely delight me and other Tankers! The whole concept of starting over and climbing back to the top is wonderful! The fact that I spent to much money and time on the current version doesn't mean anything once I heard about the amazing idea of a Super Tank in Unity! 

 

              Another aspect of Tanki these days that just fills me with joy is the videos! Everybody is just so original! I never see the same idea twice.

 

             Tanki is clearly going in the right direction as all the players are overjoyed by what they're seeing, hearing, and experiencing these days! Good Job!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

As you can tell, this entry was full of sarcasm.. I hope you can see that. I hope I didn't go too far with that first joke  B) Enjoy!

Edited August 15, 2015 by classyplebs

[richardbarrand 16]

Godmode_On revealed ...?

 

 

Everyone in Tanki Online must know this mysterious and shady character who has storked Tanki Online players for many years,

No one has ever know the identity of this shady character... Until this day!

 

Godmode_On is the one person U least expect it to be Semyon, That is why his own account hardly ever ranks as he is the one we know as Godmode!

 

They left one mistake which helped me find out Semyon's secret identity, They didn't realise that Semyon who has been busy on his Godmode_On Account.

 

As his account has currently not ranked up and apart from him doing the V-Logs he has spare time between working, Although many people say Godmode_On is a legend I would say he is just a drugger, Atleast when he uses thunder he has to use a small amount of skill, But when he uses his current combo which involves twins and mammoth he uses absolutely no skill at all.

 

So as U can see Semyon is Godmode_On..

 

So next time U see Godmode_On online say Hi to Semyon for me.

 

:P

 

Semyon is not really Godmode_On 

Edited August 14, 2015 by richardbarrand

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

Wait, can we make it funny

[classyplebs 1,786]

Wait, can we make it funny

That's the whole point 

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

That's the whole point

oh :mellow:

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

TO News: Tanki has gone crazy and downhill!

 

:excl: under construction :excl:

 

Welcome to TO News and today we'll be talking about a gang who use the no drug reload hack & downloading new drugs they made and how it ruins the game, players who can somehow go through building and maps, and finally how can the same gang ruin TO b-day.

[Night-Sisters 2,139]

Life Lessons from a Pathological Miner:

 

 

            Mining is an art that goes mostly unsung in the Tanki Online community. It is one of the least used supplies in-game, perhaps due to inherently perplexing classification problems. (Is it a drug?  Is it not a drug?) For better or worse, the term "miner" is nearly always synonymous with "camper": it's the drugging thunder that has proudly barricaded itself behind a fortification of mines, neatly taunting the others to 'come an' get me!'

 

 

            But, an aid to blatant camping is not the only thing thing your camouflaged, pressure-activated, anti-tank landmines are good for. A self-proclaimed minaholic, I've been using the things for years, and here am going to pass on a few tips for use: both in-game and out.

 

 

            The most obvious and well known use of mines is in protecting the flag. If you lay enough around, other tankers are going to think twice before attempting a snatch an' grab.

 

Life Lesson: If you want your prized possessions to remain safe....booby trap! ;)

 

 

            Even a mine laid in haste can help you extricate yourself from a sticky situation. By the time your enemy has seen, computed, and driven around your mine, you should be long gone.

 

Life Lesson: If you ever round a corner and happen to stumble upon a large, angry, hammer-wielding Viking, make the wise decision: drop a mine, run like heck, and pray said Viking does not own a shield.

 

 

            One of the most difficult mining techniques to master is the "Flying Tankman's Leap of Faith". This trick can be performed only if you have the higher ground. When an unwary tank drives by below, jump off while simultaneously laying a mine in midair. It's tricky, and knowing where the 'mine dispenser' lies on your tank combo (at the axis point where turret meets hull) is imperative to pulling it off.

 

Life Lesson: People rarely bother to look up.

 

 

            That's only the tip of the iceberg  on the various uses of the mine. Certainly, this supply adds a welcome layer of diversity and fun to Tanki Online.

 

Night-Sisters out.

 

 

 

Word Count: 349

 

And that doesn't include what's inside the spoiler. Just in case anyone was wondering.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Night-Sisters

[Rayyan 3,415]

Mission rewards, "Half eaten & Half left" 

By: @RECHARGED_RAY

 

Recently, "I mean one or two month back"  Missions came to live, at this time Semyon Kirov and other Devs was hibernating, They hibernate for 5 days after drinking 4 bottles of vodka . And many tankers were DAMN_SLOW to reach the target so Godmode_on in ransom of showdown decided that to eat up 50% of target but it result that rewards were as delicious as Kevred's Fantastic chicken. Everyone in Fury and revenge tried to destroy Godmode_on. "He is indestructible"  Said TriNitroToluene who was using TNT of course. As semyon came awake and took the blame The devs because he didn't give godmode_on his salary, so godmode ate up rewards. Yet another question arises "Is kevred's fantastic chicken is yummy?" Ya it sure does as I tried it and it tasted  like rewards, I ate 25% of rewards and gave 25% to My pet Lhamster wit some Hazel-Rah nuts on it, But sure KFC is awesome. 

Edited August 16, 2015 by Quasar

[funnyboyreturns 1]

Entry by funnyboyreturns

 

. Popularity of hulls and turrets

As you all see, there are some stupid people in tanki buying all the hulls and turrets thinking that they will upgrade each and every one of them to m3. This will never happen ( maybe can happen IN THEIR DREAMS ) and some people just want to buy hulls and turrets according to their popularity ( the once who do that are not skilled by the way, lol ) so, they literally eat our minds by asking us the the game servers which is the most popular turret and which is the most popular hull, I request them (actually touching their feet, hands and begging them ) to see the V Log as those questions are usually answered there. And after wards they tell " man, these turret sucks " and their game is over. So next time tankers, like good boy or girl DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN LIKE THOSE STUPID TANKERS!!

[EzanK 1,312]

T.O's Road To World Cup Glory 

By: @EzanK

 

 

Year: 2018. Date: July 22^nd. Location: Russian Stadium, Commentators box. Hype: Russia vs Turkey

 

Hello guys. It is I, Semyon Kirov presenting to you World Cup Qualifiers to the Round of 16, with Russia against Turkey. The fans are all prepared for this amazing match with a glorious Russian roster, and the Turkey team. We will be back soon. 

 

*After Russian Chicken Advertisement*

 

So we are back, and the teams are ready to go. On to the home match, we got a full stadium,  filled with Russian fans munching on chicken, against all foods of Turkey. In the other side, a small group of Turkey fans await for this long  game. Standing at them all, is @Winner_Of_Turkey!

 

So we kick of the game with a Russian goal from none other than legend Maksim Kanunnikov with a brilliant header from 6 yards out.

                                                                     

Oh, a simple header from Turkey's forward and it is a goal. Are you sure Ref? Can we got a replay? It is called football not head ball. The Russian fans are filled with outrage. Fans are already leaving the stadium...

 

*10 mins later*

 

Oh no, the Russians fans come back with a tank ready to fire at charge. The Fifa guards block them out!

 

*4 minutes later*

 

Oh my god. Last minute goal from Denis and … the game is over. Russia goes through!

 

It is happy days for Russian fans! Tanks shooting in the air fireworks, all Russians with a smile, and the Tanki Community get's 10x Battlefund at July 28^th! Tanks for joining us. *Wink for bad humor*

 

*July 27^th passes. Russia loses to Germany 1-0*

 

Oh wait never mind, 10x battlefunds are gone. 

 

*Cries off but still gets the job done*

Edited August 16, 2015 by EzanK

[Nick_Lee 5]

Toilet Shortage threatens world peace

 

            The world is bracing for an incoming crisis as a shortage of toilets causes increasing chaos. Scientists have concluded that increased bowel movement has caused most toilets to break down. The culprit of this increased bowel movement: Tanki Online. Since its launch, Tanki Online has drawn billions of users to sit inactively, leading to increased food intake and weight gain. The average human now weighing 120 kg (265 lbs.) and pooping three times more, modern toilets simply cannot handle the overuse.

            The effects of the toilet shortage are massive. Lines to the few remaining bathrooms with functional toilets stretch for miles. The U.S., the #1 importer of toilets, has declared martial law and imposed strict regulations to stem toilet use. Recently, three Canadian citizens were given life in prison without toilet for smuggling toilets from the U.S. China and India have in fact fared better than the rest of the world, but reports are showing that their toilet holes are filling up rapidly.

            WHO has warned of a major apocalypse and suggested to limit eating junk foods and to stop playing Tanki Online. Of course, no one listens.

            Russians are already fighting for the last toilets. Here is a picture of the scene from the battle.

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Reserved.

[Phoenix.Raised 5,992]

Article must be ralated to Tanki or not?

Edited August 15, 2015 by Phoenix.Raised

[GoldRock 6,165]

Article must be ralated to Tanki or not?

Whilst there's no rule saying it must be, you are writing an entry for Tanki's Finest News Source so it'd probably be a good idea to make it relevant to an aspect of the game or community.

[Phoenix.Raised 5,992]

Whilst there's no rule saying it must be, you are writing an entry for Tanki's Finest News Source so it'd probably be a good idea to make it relevant to an aspect of the game or community.

I do not know something like that...just a short story non related to TO (or any game)....So nothing. Thank you for answer

Edited August 15, 2015 by Phoenix.Raised

[snipe3000 678]

Tankers going crazy around the world!

       Recently Tanki online has intercepted this message:

 

Today wee r isuing thy shut doen of tanky onligne

Wee wil bee tanking tanky offligne at 2:00 PAM

Anywon sean pleying tanky onligne will bee erested

Meembers of thy govermeent, wee ned two teke ection

 

The message was translated into:

 

       ​Today we are issuing the shut down of Tanki online.

We will be taking Tanki offline at 2:00 PM.

anyone seen playing Tanki online will be arrested.

Members of the government we need to take action!

 

The message and its translation was put on the home page at 7:00 AM utc-5 and the first tanker read it at 7:01 AM utc-5 then flooded the link in all of the servers. Tank men, and women, Were retaliating, taking m3 Mammoths and m3 Twins to the streets of Serpuhov and Monte Carlo. Chief investigator Kevred saw this and went to work trying to figure out who sent the message. Meanwhile Semyon Kirrov was writing a letter to the president and the congress. The letter went like this:

 

Dear congress,

 

 

       I am writing this letter to you to see if you would recall the order to shut down Tanki online. Tanki online means so much to me. I try to come up with Ideas that help the community have a fun game to play and have a fun experience. You shutting Tanki down would shut down my career and ruin the game I worked so hard to perfect. 

Please consider this message,

Semyon Kirrov

 

After Semyon had already sent the letter Chief investigator Kevred came back with stunning news. The message was written by a 4 year-old who had his account blocked for hacking! 

Edited August 19, 2015 by snipe3000

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Planet Tanki Earth has gone wild!!! by one hell of a reporter

@BlueDragon_tamki: Hello tankers! Welcome to the news while I have announcements to make (if you don't listen, I will !): today, you'll be listening about how the statue of liberty became a curse for tankers who loves to parachute, a @HeroPlayer saving lives from the attacks from @Godmode_ON, a attempting to attack TOK with ISIS and finally a strange @goldbox2998 drops from the sky without the devs knowing.

 

Again welcome!

The @HeroPlayer saves the day before @Godmode_ON destroys the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the city of love! @Godmode_ON started shooting the Tower and half of it was destroyed by his giant splash damage while the other half was falling. Until a @HeroPlayer saves the day by returning the other half since he caught it in time. People were wondering who was this hero? and what paint was he wearing? no one knows what he looks like but @fahim_the_boss knows it. And this what the paint looked like. It was blurry but was able to describe it: mostly blue with a slightly light blue yellow and green colors. No one knows who he really is and when would he come back?

 

 

About the statue of liberty is becoming a bad luck for people who live in the USA because those who love parachuting usually crash to the statue's "fire" which was actually a @GoldRock. While one parachuter crashed to the statue of liberty's face, it changed faces and it looks very creepy. The face went from

to

And thousands of people are terrified by the site of this statue and some even called it "the statue of bad luck for parachuters". But others disagree because they heard a rumor that it changes faces to this at night

Very creepy indeed! Kevred, the founder of Kevred's Fantastic Chicken (KFC) restaurant and a few other people were the first ones to see this horrible face and its changes (yes the same one who is very sarcastic. yes, the same one who usually let his insanity go. yes, the one who is called Mr chicken. look, I'll slap you if you won't quit saying comments! That's an order! Shut up!! *slaps the commenter who won't shut up*

 

 

A terrorist that is green (I'm not being racist) actually joined ISIS and became the second ISIS leader. Three people @fahim_the_boss, his brother & his son @tankionline2027 decided to battle against Isis and here they are now. *To those three people* So how would you go against those powerful gang?

@fahim_the_boss: Well of course we would need strategies but it wouldn't be too easy because they're also bombers

@BlueDragon_tamki: Yes. What is your gang and when will this take place?

: Our gang is Deadshot, more powerful than any other gang...

@tankionline2027...except that ISIS is the most powerful gang so we have to train very hard and take it seriously

@BlueDragon_tamki: Well thanks for joining and have a nice day

 

 

and now, this strange @goldbox2998 that looks like @1-black.falcon dropped from the sky one day in Silence, the most quiet map on TE (tanki earth) until one tanker screamed after taking the goldbox,"The goldbox have 2998 crystals in it!!" Everyone was shocked of what he said but 3 seconds later he was kicked from map due to detected foul noise. So players emailed TO support and they were tired of reading all the messages. When they checked the systems for the goldboxs' containment, they realize that the players were telling the truth. So they called @FederalBureauFBI about the situation. The search will be done tomorrow

 

That's all for today, tankers and if you excuse me, I have to call my butler to destroy anyone who didn't listen to my news. Thank you and have a nice day :)

Edited August 18, 2015 by BlueDragon_tamki

[Phoenix.Raised 5,992]

Tanki Earth has gone wild!!!

:excl: under construction!! :excl:

Hello tankers! Welcome to the news while I have announcements to make (if you don't listen, I will !): the statue of liberty becoming a curse for tankers who loves to parachute, a @HeroPlayer saving lives from the attacks from @Godmode_ON, a attempting to attack TOK with ISIS and finally a strange @goldbox2998 drops from the sky without the devs knowing.

 

Again welcome! The @HeroPlayer saves the day before @Godmode_ON destroys the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the city of love!

This is indeed :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Edited August 15, 2015 by Phoenix.Raised