Other [Issue 45] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - December

[Contradiction 1,242]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But there are many things that don't make it into individual articles. Secrets, scandals, celebrations and rebellions all come to light in this release of the Dictator. Stay tuned for all the devious details, chicken escapades, and more! 

 

Confirmed: Daily Missions to be cut by 50%

By @HHuey

 

  In a controversial decision yesterday, the Tanki administrators reached a consensus: the daily missions would now be available for half as long. “It was hard,” one top-level official admitted to me in an exclusive interview. “There’s a real culture that’s built up around these daily missions, and we’re not sure how people are going to take this.”

     But not everyone is as doubtful. A long-time administrator who has asked to stay anonymous says that “we feel that Tankers around the world might benefit from this decision. I’ve heard several concerns expressed that infinity is just too long for a single mission to last. Half that just makes much more sense.”

     When the news was announced yesterday, hundreds of Tankers took to the online forums to express their opinions. “Half is too much,” one wrote, adding a frowny face for emphasis. “There should be a low, incremental adjustment period. I don’t want to wake up in a few billion years and find my daily missions gone with no warning.”

     Other Tankers agree, some expressing concern over there not being a listed number. “I Googled how much half of infinity was,” another Tanker wrote in expressive light green, “and even Yahoo! Answers couldn’t tell me. I personally keep my favorite missions. I don’t like knowing that Missie’s lifespan has just been halved.”

     “The cost is also a concern,” top economist John Smith wrote in a blog post last Tuesday. “In order to halve infinity, they’re going to have to stop it. That’s going to take a few hundred grappling hooks, several fishing poles, and at least one harpoon gun. And even then, where are they going to find a cage big enough to keep it in?”

     “And what,” as an anonymous commentator on Dr. Smith’s blog asks, “do you do with the other half?”

 

Dubious Changes to Reporter Paint; Wiki Editors are Blamed

By @Contradiction

 

Early on the 19th of August, Reporters awoke to find their paints drastically changed. Lacking its toilet-paper-like quality, the new paint is ominously dark and encrusted with silver characters. Many different conclusions have been speculated on the reason for this change. Some say that the change in the paint was due to Scythe's criticism of the old paint in Issue 37. ShedNinja believes super-natural forces are the cause. A few may even blame this change due to Global Warming. 

 

However, Russian eye-witnesses report sighting a shadowy figure fleeing from the Tanki Headquarters in Perm, known only as "Ms.Selena". Reporters have also noticed a rather malevolent word written on the side of their paint: Wiki. Certain reporters have even expressed disgust at this grotesque word written on the side of their paint. A Mr.Hog stated further, "I can't believe there isn't a chicken on it."

 

There are more than enough reasons to suspect the Wiki Editors for this rather fishy paint change. After receiving many accusations of Foul Play, they have yet to issue a formal statement. Although it can be said that a man by the name of "Rem" seems oddly unmoved by this recent change. 

                                                 Photo courtesy of @Yisroel.Rabin                                               

 

Chicken versus Pancakes

By @Phoenix-Warbird

 

Riots have broken out in the streets of Rio! And this time, the madness wasn’t the aftermath of certain Experimental Camera Speeds.

Hogree, on one side, was carrying his red chicken flag, screaming “One versus one, nug!” That nug was, of course, the notorious Fen-Harel, who was leading Team Pancake with his head held high (cough). “Banter! I could squash you like a pancake!” he retorted appropriately.

All of a sudden, Remaine stepped in and the chaos was instantly tamed. Several Generalissimos froze mid-fight, chicken drumsticks handy and ready to hammer away at any ninja-star-shaped-pancake throwers nearby.  “Everybody remaine calm,” said the wise Reporter. He continued by declaring that one doesn’t simply compare the savory to the sweet and vice versa.

Unfortunately, not everyone was able to pretend as if that solved everything. It took more than one to hold back a thoroughly enraged Phoenix-Warbird, who cried “Can’t we all just agree that pancakes are better?! Leave my species alone!” …which set off the uproar all over again.

GoldRock was well hidden in the shadows until a very dark operative picked up the unmistakable scent of cookie wafting from an even darker corner. He quickly spotted GoldNugget, who appeared to be innocently nibbling on a cookie as he watched the frenzy unfold with great amusement.

Dark wasted no time. He pointed at Gold and shouted “Free cookie!” And, in that moment, the sound of chicken drumsticks thudding and pancakes splatting onto the ground, sounded like rain. All tankers scrambled for Gold’s half-eaten cookie (still in his hand) like a stampede.

Well, he lived to tell the tale. And, to this day, he can’t say which was greater: the size of his horrified eyes, or the pitch of his squeal when everyone charged.

In another later interview, we plan to ask Semyon what he thought of the devs launching the “canadarules has taken the cookie” notice. Stay tuned.

 

---

Oncoming Walrus Invasion-- Moderators Blissfully Unaware

By @Contradiction

 

It's not often that we get news like this at the dictator. But it appears that Tanki may be facing a serious threat: Walruses. Yes, those big, flabby animals that live in the arctic could soon be flailing around inside your garage, destroying everything you've ever worked for. Just imagine a poor Mammoth buried underneath a sea of manic walruses, struggling to survive.

 

The origin of this threat has been caused by the tankers. Carbon released from Tank Engines has proved catastrophic. These green house gasses emitted by unknowing Tankers is leading to a disastrous consequence: The melting of the polar ice caps, leaving Walruses stranded, hungry, and without homes. The statistics in the garage don't even mention the average annual Carbon Emissions per tank. Even worse, the Developers and Moderators seem quite ignorant of these ruinous mistakes.

Let's ask a different question:

Only one moderator seems to be aware of the alarm of the situation.

 

Either way, soon each and every tanker will have first hand knowledge of this onrushing cataclysm. 

Mr. Hog stated, (with a rather sad look in his eye), "If only it were chickens instead of walruses." He promptly burst into tears. However, a sinister character known as "Electro" has quite different thoughts. 

"I'm not even slightly afraid of Walruses... we've got Railguns for a reason." If only he knew how wrong he was. 

 

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Chicken Scandal and Riot at McMonkey's

By @Contradiction

 

Breaking news! Today, after many contentious rumors, our reporters have arrived at a local McMonkey's Drive In, located in the busy city center of Düsseldorf. A number of our finest operatives here at the Dictator are ready to provide crucial and precise information on this recent incident. Stay tuned for more!

 

Newsflash: Reporters approach the drive in. Police have blocked off the scene- commanding the officers is our Chief . Another officer, @deadtoyou, moves aside a strip of police tape to allow our reporters inside the crime scene. The yellow tape surrounds the McMonkey's Drive In Franchise. On the opposite side of the tape, an immense crowd brews. The reporters disappear into the drive in to continue the investigation.  

 

*Many Hours Later*

Newsflash: The police detectives, forensic team, and our reporters have made a breakthrough in the McMonkey's Case. It seems as if the rumors have proven correct. The controversial allegation, that this McMonkey's has begun selling chicken sandwiches that actually contained salmon, appears to be true. Agents of the Investigation of Chicken-Related Offenses has been summoned to the scene, but our reporters believed they have solved the story. 

 

A notorious chicken dealer by the name of Mr. Kirby started a devilish attempt at tricking his customers by selling them salmon instead of chicken. Selling salmon, being much easier to produce, (we believe it grows on trees in South America), would have earned him fortunes. Unfortunately, this McMonkey's was fooled by Kirb's devious campaign. Though they were not the creators of this plot, the drive-thru will hopefully be held accountable for their ignorance in an ensuing court trial. 

 

*More Hours Later*

Newsflash: The crowd surrounding the restaurant has suddenly evolved into a full-fledged riot. Angry at the McMonkey's, angry at the salmon, and angry at life, these enraged civilians started stirring up havoc and rampage all across Düsseldorf. After many vikings were flipped and stores ransacked, an enterprising chicken-stand owner set up camp in the square. Seeing an opportunity to purchase genuine chicken, practically every individual in the riot charged toward the stand, eventually forming an orderly line and ending the chaos. Unfortunately, the operatives of the Dictator also participated in this mad dash for the chicken, so this story has come to an end. 

The moral of the day is: Never underestimate the power of chicken. Have a good day, folks! 

 

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GoldBlock and Pho's Wedding Rocks the World!

By @Contradiction

 

Hello, tankers! Today we are witnesses to a story of compassion, hope, and true love. Two of our favorite players, @GoldRock and @Phoenix-Warbird, are being joined together in marriage. 

 

On one of our favorite reporter's birthday, the two love-birds have scheduled their wedding. After long periods of debate and much planning, the romantic union is official. It is guaranteed to be a night of joy and exhilaration, a world away from the grim horrors of the real  virtual world, where godlike developers crush our hopes and dreams with an iron fist.

 

Please come to the celebration tonight! Also, please note, that GoldNug will be busy on his honeymoon for the next few weeks, and will unfortunately not be able to publish the Dictator in the coming issue.

After Note: The wedding has been cancelled. GoldRock asked me to write this to explain his recent absence from the Dictator. He also told me that if you send him PMs, he will give you free chicken (only 400€ shipping!).

 

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V-Log Contest induces Anxiety and Eyesight Problems, Researchers Claim

By @Contradiction

 

I am sure that for those of us who follow the V-Logs, we are familiar with the recent V-Log contest. A secret word has been hidden in a number of recent V-Logs, and if one finds it, you may be rewarded crystals. This all might seem like a fun way to earn crystals and other tanki-related equipment, but research has proven that there may be a dark side, even to this story. 

 

A study conducted on a number of participants has found unexpected consequences and side affects from the participation in the V-Log contest. For one, eyesight problems have been detected among competitors in the contest. "It is never good to strain your eyes to make out a minuscule word on a brightly glowing screen," one researcher commented. "Doing it several hours a week for a few weeks will naturally put your ocular health at risk." It was even noted that performance on the battlefield was impaired. Skilled tankers were rendered poor players because they could not tell the difference between Flora and Clay. 

 

Another consequence is perhaps even worse than damaged eyesight. The findings of the study seem to point to the fact that the V-Log contest has led to increased levels of anxiety. One anonymous tipper remarked, "It just isnt fair. Buyer noobs win everything... tanky onlee kares about buyers and rushins. It iznt fair." I am sure that you can detect the level of angst in this particular statement. An additional individual declared, "Searching for a word in the V-log is hard, monotonous, and frustrating. It is especially miserable when that word ends up being 'Shaft'. Shafts... don't belong... anywhere. They just shouldn't exist." 

 

It doesn't help that the V-log has been released increasingly later throughout the day. Because of this, tankers are beginning the search frustrated and tired before they even start. Semyon hinted that some of these ramifications were a result of some kind of sinister German Plot. No further comment has been made on that matter. In summary, be careful about how you approach contests. Keep in mind, a few deep breaths can go a long way. 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

February 2015

March 2015

August 2015

Edited July 29, 2017 by Hexed

[lukey0 27,543]

Nicely done. ;)

[l.Eat.My.BuIIets 483]

Epic, i must say

[Quarks 2,255]

Some of these I have seen...

[greyat 2,972]

Some of these I have seen...

Possibly because they were winners of a prior contest, and were *supposed* to have been published in the Dictator, but unfortunately a certain lustrous mineral perished before that.

[canadian_tank 226]

So we should blame @Remaine and and those guys for the dull reporters paint?

Psst...

I would rather go back to the old name tag way

 

[fahim_the_cool 266]

First time read a newspaper article. Bursting out laughing LOL

[momy950666 960]

nice ;)

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

I laugh everytime :P

[comandobob 15]

OOooo free chicken... Wait.... How much is 400€ shipping in U.S. Dollars? Gotta watch out for the fine print

Edited December 22, 2015 by comandobob

[beaku 2,656]

Hmm..... Something seems off... I can't explain what.... But something is definitely off about this... -_-

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

hehe hilarious

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

Possibly because they were winners of a prior contest, and were *supposed* to have been published in the Dictator, but unfortunately a certain lustrous mineral perished before that.

Ah, poor Gold . . . :(