Other [Issue 66] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - July '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. We've got some guest writers this time, and here's what we both have got to share with you!

 

 

Tanki Online launches in Antarctica; how it all went
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Tanki has a handful of communities across the globe, each one a great success, and not dying at all (Tanki isn't dying OK). However, Tanki decided to spread their already wide variety of communities to an ever extreme range. So, with that thought in mind, they launched Tanki in Antarctica!

 

It was a rather boring opening day, one penguin passed by the newly built igloo office, shrugged its shoulders and left. It's been open for a week now, and the data seems to be implying that penguins aren't the most enthusiastic beings when it comes to tank games. A gold box dropped in a random battle, but as soon as the penguins noticed that it was a very shiny box full of fish, they just kicked their computer in a hole in the ice.

 

The polar bears seem to be having some fun nonetheless. They appear to enjoy typing in the chat, much like we do. Here's a record of Tuesday's chat.

 

 

"fjsjfuehffjsjfuehf73hfjjkkkkkkksh9-#@+777u"

"&&&%&%&%%%%%&&-&&&&&%t"

"gghhggwpxpbpgghhggwpxpbpglboxjhhhh"

"any girls?"

"hhhakdidkwoskddkcwwwnvnvhhhakdidkwoskddkcwwwnvnvnbob"

".. / .- -- / .- / .--. --- .-.. .- .-. / -... . .- .-. / .-- .... --- / -.- -. --- .-- ... / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- / -.-. .-. ...-- ...-- .--. -.-- --..-- / .. / -.- -. --- .-- .-.-.-"

"jajajajaja!"

 

 

It seems to be going fine for now! We'll keep you updated on whether or not the polar bears and penguins continue to live harmoniously.

 

 

Tanki future plans revealed
By @Lynus_the_Egg (Contest Winner)

 

Hi everyone I don't have much time and I have no idea whose computer this is but I have something very important to tell you about Tanki. I think the Newspaper is the best way to announce this news as everyone takes it very seriously and nobody thinks it's a joke.

 

I have been studying the game very closely as well as collecting private footage from CCTV cameras and finally, after a long period of image-enhancing and studying, I have concluded that in the near future (i.e. February 2011), a new turret will come out. It'll be called "Smoky XT" and I believe that its damage will be as overpowered as Isida's vampire ability. But it will only last a few days. So prepare yourselves for this powerful addition! Oh and if anyone asks you how you know of this turret, you heard it FIRST from ME.

 

You can express your gratitude by showering me with likes- I've been seen! Strange... They're just staring at me in mild amusement. It's almost as if they didn't mind me telling the world about Smoky XT. Well, must go- I reckon the developers are introducing micro-upgrades in a few years!

 

 

Tanki Online sends first tank to the Moon
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

The Tanki Online society has grown and decreased in many ways over the past years. However, no event will be remembered as much as this one. 'What has happened?' you dare to ask? Well lad, allow me to fill your mind with the extra special news; Tanki Online, the same Tanki Online that made the huge mistake in hiring me as a reporter, has, after hours upon hours of finalizing perfection, sent a tank to the Moon!

 

Not only did Tanki Online sent a tank with a tanker equipped with Premium to last him at least a decade, but they also found a far more efficient way of space exploration that the rest of the obviously irrational world. Yes, my friend, you could probably guess it at this point, they blasted the tanker into space using an M4 Magnum!

 

With pedestrians watching the blast off point from miles away, @Maf, with his M0 Mammoth and M4 Magnum equipped, sat silently in the dead center of the dimly lit Stadium map, with poor innocent @semyonkirov sitting on his turret, waiting to be sent off to space. The crowd cheered as @Cedric Debono, who was more excited about Semyon being gone forever than the actual blast off, counted down from 10.

 

"...Five! Four! Three! Two! Covfefe!"

 

Cedric smiled as Maf fired his M4 Magnum proudly, sending Semyon Kirov, the ex-Community Manager and well known rival enemy of Cedric, high up into space, never to be seen again.

 

 

Missing gold boxes is actually stress relieving

By @OPjoshua (Contest Winner)

 

As many of you know, gold boxes are everywhere. From underneath some tanks who do not bother to find the drop zone to places where size matters, like Scope's hard to reach gold box drop zone (reference to Rascal's List: Mischievous Map Obstacles). But what you don't know is the emotions of missing a gold box. To some of you emotionless rocks with hands that never react to a missed gold box, or those who simply shrug it of with a "I'M TOO NOOB", you have been missing out.

 

Research has shown, many of our tankers like @Yisroel.Rabin and @Hexed, who are obviously too noob to catch golds and thus transferred to article writing for their crystal income, have burst into much rage upon missing one. Much proof has found this true as Yisroel.Rabin continues to remain at the rank Field Marshal for more than half a year, and Hexed, who is a little bit more civilised owing to his nerdy nature, has reached Legend 2 before quitting. Many see this as childishness or simply a subtle mental problem, but in fact, this is a perfectly natural way of relieving stress. The rage of one comes out in tears, screams and shouts. This not only relieves stress, but also serves as a useful alarm clock to the family of those early rising tankers, or a easy way to receive complaints about loud noises from neighbors. So the next time you feel that your life's circumstances have overwhelmed you, just pop into a match to relieve that stress.

 

(This company is not liable for punishment received by tankers from their angry parents nor the added stress if one doesn't even get a gold box to drop after their two hours of searching)

 

 

Skybox astronomers say they found something shocking in the sky
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Tankers play on the maps of Tanki daily, for hours on end, like, until they lose their empty minds and chase innocent spiders. However, everyone fails to notice the beauty of these maps, specifically the skies. However, there are a few out there, who don't consider themselves part of everyone. They ditch gold rains, special events, and even things like special holiday celebrations. Instead, these handful of unusual individuals became skybox astronomers, who study the night skyboxes of all maps, and have began studying Space map skyboxes as well.

 

These individuals thrive when it comes to watching a star pass from one side of the horizon to the other. And that's saying something, considering the skyboxes are stable, and the stars don't move.  Nonetheless, a group of amateur astronomers, who are led by the old-time astronomers @Night-Sisters and @GoldRock, who quit their roles as newspaper administrators to focus all their time only on skybox astronomy, discovered a storage object in the sky.

 

They describe it as a large orange-ish rocky-surfaced triangle, which, according to their nerdy math calculations, is set to hit the Pacific Ocean in just a few weeks. They're calling it The Dorito of The Universe, because after intense enhancement of the many photos taken of this strange sky demon, they discovered it was in fact a Dorito, with a perimeter which can cover half the Moon.

 

One of the amateur astronomers in the group, , who randomly joined for no reason, suggested that they set up a huge raft on the Pacific where the Dorito is set to hit in order to catch it, and set the record for largest Dorito ever caught by astronomers when out fishing for sky demons. We'll keep you updated on how that goes!

 

The Dorito of The Universe, credits: The University of Skybox Astronomy.

 

 

Tanki YouTubers go on strike post failure of AdSense, Perm lies in chaos

By @CarryIsLive (Contest Winner)

 

The Tanki Online Youtuber's Association (TOYA) has announced a public strike against meager pay by AlternativaPlatform for the "numerous services we render for the game's benefit", namely getting rich, having a VIP status and a fan following second only to .

 

Lodged complaints include monetary neglect, refusal of stake in developmental decision-making and absence of payment in actual dollar bills. "We're the finest creative minds in the Tankisphere," said a TOYA spokesperson. "We get huge money off our videos, a bunch of attention, crazy laptops, and a chance to beta-test all new upgrades, but despite our down-to-earth, humble attitude and our selfless portrayal of this wonderful game, all we get in return is a stupid paint and a name in the forum!"

 

The TOYA has taken the extreme step of threatening to move the case to court unless Tanki issues them with some kind of financial support. "See, crystals and fame is fine, but we need the money. Let's face it. How else would the game draw in new players?" Quoted the said spokesperson, blissfully ignoring questions about Tanki's huge advertising program.

 

Meanwhile, the strike has shut down the cities of Perm and Serpuhov and has displaced the case of Flexoo's missing knickers as the top trending story of the newspaper. While the YouTubers agitate, the common tanker watches on in annoyance as his daily life lies disrupted. Call KASIM-666-619-619 to show your sympathy to Perm today, and make a difference.

 

 

Semyon planning to overthrow Alternativa, sources say
By @Hexed

 

In a very shocking and questionable move, a company called Radical Tech. released a number of interfaces and apps yesterday, without paying any expenses or credits. Many governments have banned websites, apps and interfaces containing Redical's elements.

 

"Websites, interfaces, apps and the lot which contain no security certificates have to be banned immediately, as they may contain a super-virus - possibly one which could let a person take over the whole world", said Mr. Kim Jong Not-Un, Secretary of the United Nations Technological Organization.

 

In all of this chaos, some hackers found a way to pass their government's firewall and started to explore what they actually contained. Now look, these apps and interfaces have been released all over the world, so they're in different languages; meaning that it was highly impractical for one person to do the translation, and that's if the software's actually did contain something.

 

Sources tell us the Asian apps have nothing too blurry in them, except a phrase which up till now made no sense at all:

 

"overthrow, i, planning"

 

It did cause a bit of panic in most Asian countries, but most of them decided that it must be a prank and let the words be ditched.

 

However, softwares released in North and South American countries resulted in pictures of Semyon Kirov - who was later identified as Tanki Online's ex-CM - and the logo of Alternative Platform - a company. While European countries have been reported to have these words as a result:

 

"am, to"

 

We here at the Dictator put all of these words and pictures into the Dejumblizer 3000, and the final result was quite an eye-opener.

 

"I, Semyon Kirov, am planning to overthrow Alternativa Platform."

 

We can only guess when the invasion will start...

 

 

Godmode_ON wins inaugural edition of Tanki's Got Talent; his performance will shock you

By @CarryIsLive (Contest Consolation Prize Winner)

 

Make sure to check out the now viral video of Hexed setting a new growth record of a full five centimeters this past year on www.clickbaitftw.com/tankionline, and wish him all success on breaking the four-foot height mark by the end of this decade.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

 

[Crip 4,735]

Good laugh as usual (:

[lukey0 27,543]

Brilliant like normal. :)

[TTK_229 1,080]

How good was mine? I thought it was great...

[tweezers 1,034]

in the near future (i.e. February 2011)

A fine, outstanding article, full of the latest, most relevant and up to date news.

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

How good was mine? I thought it was great...

Everyone who entered thought theirs was great, myself included. However, the contest was never about your opinion - it was about the reporters'.

[maryam98 1,171]

A fine, outstanding article, full of the latest, most relevant and up to date news.

Quite so, also extremely serious and un-funny

just following the opposite theme

[Penguin40 1,714]

Include me in the Issue 67's Dictator's Antarctica bit ok, I'm King Penny XL of Antarctica. K?  if you don't obey my orders I'll have you executed, Yisroel ;p

 

Anyways, great job! Gave me a good amount of laugh. Also, the morse code in the Antarctica section translates to "I am a polar bear who knows morse code. Cr33py, I know". Sorry for ruining the fun, Rabbit :P

Edited July 8, 2017 by Penguin40

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Godmode_ON wins inaugural edition of Tanki's Got Talent; his performance will shock you

By @CarryIsLive (Contest Consolation Prize Winner)

 

Make sure to check out the now viral video of Hexed setting a new growth record of a full five centimeters this past year on www.clickbaitftw.com/tankionline, and wish him all success on breaking the four-foot height mark by the end of this decade.

 

Got me :lol:

[Confused 10]

"...Five! Four! Three! Two! Covfefe!"

 

 

Hahaha Lmao

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

We'll keep you updated on whether or not the polar bears and penguins continue to live harmoniously.

They don't. Polar bears live in the Arctic.

[TH3_B35T_0F_4LL 70]

 

 

Tank Online sends first tank to the Moon

By @Yisroel.Rabin

lol typo

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Tbh, the game slogan is : You dont control the tank, you arethe tank. So I dont see why Semyon shouldnt be called a tank.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Tbh, the game slogan is : You dont control the tank, you arethe tank. So I dont see why Semyon shouldnt be called a tank.

I think he called the typo out for being "Tank Online" instead of "Tanki Online"

[CuT_TheRe_HeaRTs_OuT 640]

who is semyon who is rabin who am i ?

[Viking4s 10,791]

Semyon is a guy who got blasted of into space, Rabin is the leader of a very racist group and you are a gangster who eats people's hearts.

:o :o :o

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Quite so, also extremely serious and un-funny

Yes, well, this Tanki's finest news source, we have no time for jokes.

 

I jjust reread it again. I can't stop! Help me!

No.

 

Got me :lol:

That's my addition, thank you very much.

 

They don't. Polar bears live in the Arctic.

I feel incredibly stupid now.

 

...

 

But Google says they meet in TV commercials, so they can meet here too.

 

 

who is semyon who is rabin who am i ?

Noob, noob, and noob.

 

Semyon is a guy who got blasted of into space, Rabin is the leader of a very racist group and you are a gangster who eats people's hearts.

Right, wrong, and wrong.

[Possibility 282]

 

 

 

 

Illuminati Confirmed! 

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

They don't. Polar bears live in the Arctic.

Minor oversight LOL