I feel even stupider now. I've got to watch more movies. Pitch some good ones at me.

I feel stupid for not knowing who he is.

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. We've got some juicy news to share with you this time, so listen up! New goldmine discovered: Rio players strike rich. By @Yisroel.Rabin Rio; a map which has some popularity in the lower ranks, and almost none in the higher ranks. However, these statistics are subject to change, being a new goldmine has been discovered under the Rio grounds! It happened when a spectator was flying around with spectator mode, for no reason whatsoever, when he noticed a big "room" under the map. As he lowered his camera to see what it was, he stumbled upon a massive goldmine, and although moderators are on full alert, trying to keep tankers out of the goldmine to prevent an unbalanced game, players are still managing to sneak into the mine and obtain quite a few crystals before getting caught. Of course, if caught, your account is blocked, so it isn't advised to take a peak at this extraordinary underground gold-fest, however, if you're daring enough for the task, and think you've got what it takes to sneak past those ferocious trolls (yup, mods are ugly), then go for it! *The goldmine includes an infinite amount of gold boxes and crystals boxes, a special currency code-named <blue-gems>, amazing turrets and hulls, including M4s and XTs, and even the original Ricochet prototype! Scientific research shows link between equipment and multism risk By @Thekillerpenguin Researchers at the Tanki Institute for Psychological Studies (TIPS) have discovered a ground breaking link between the equipment that a player uses and the incidence of the dreaded Multism condition that has plagued Tanki for so long. The disease previously puzzled scientists, as many causes were associated with Multism with no rhyme or rhythm. Figure 1 displays examples of prior data. Fig.1: Examples of prior data. First graph was assembled from a data set of 1000 users, second graph was assembled from a data set of GoldRock and rommeltanki. The team responsible for the recent discovery included famous figures such as Semyon Kirov, Albert Einstein, and Donald J. Trump. Their methodology was complex, necessitating hours upon hours of hard labor, computing power, and lethal doses of caffeine. They first pulled raw data from profiles on the Tanki server of every single player in the game, filtered out the inactive users, and then ran the results through a complex algorithm designed to process the data and calculate the mult score of every inputted player. While similar processes have been used in the past to analyze and diagnose Multism, this was the first concerted effort to use computers for the analysis. Previously, analysis was delegated to janitors and homeless people at TIPS headquarters in 18 hour shifts. The research team believes that computer analysis is a slight improvement over traditional methods and should be considered for future projects. The results of the project indicated that players with high amounts of time spent on Mammoth-Isida and M0 combinations of all types are very likely to suffer from Multism or develop Multism in the future. Figure 2 displays the data collected from players Warrant Officer 5 and above. Research spokesperson Donald J. Trump, when asked for comment on the significance of the discovery, said the following. "It's really incredible, bigly incredible. People are saying that it's the most incredible thing that has ever happened. I don't know if that's true, but you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Just incredible. So many mults in Tanki ignored by the FAKE NEWS mainstream media- SAD! I know this because I have a big brain and I've said a lot of things, truly tremendous things. And Crooked Hillary- she doesn't care about this. Doesn't care. She's in the pockets of Big Multishness. She doesn't care about it. But I do. I would build a wall, a bigly wall to keep the mults out. We don't want mults- people are saying that they don't want mults in Tanki. I know that there are mults in Tanki, and I have the best solution. I will Make Tanki Great Again!" What does this study spell for the average player? One can estimate a baseline Multishness level by determining where on the spectrum that their preferred combination lands on. Other factors can and will influence one's overall Multishness level and by extension the severity of one's Multism, so take those into account. If you experience elevated levels of Multishness, please check into the TIPS for further experimentation analysis and treatment. If your Multishness level is equal to infinity, please report to EN Reporter HQ for immediate recruitment. Real life famous figures join TO By @Yisroel.Rabin Have you ever dreamed of meeting your superstar crush in real life? I have, it didn't end well. But, have you ever dreamed of meeting your superstar crush on Tanki, your favorite game of all time? Yea, mean either. But that's okay, because boy have I got some news for you! Famous figures, male and female, have joined Tankiverse. Of course, I, using my incredible stalking skills, managed to pinpoint quite a handful of these stars' nicknames. However, due to inconvenient difficulties, I can't tell you that Kanye West's nickname is Mr.iThink_iGod, and that Kim K.'s nickname is Mrs.I think_iGod, and that Justin Bieber's is iAmTheCoolestLivingThingInTheUniverse_iGod, and more. Of course, being these guys just joined our game, they're quite nug-ish, so, if you happen to stumble upon a very bad player with the name MakeTankiGreatAgain, don't poke fun of him, because if you do, you're social security number may end up on his Twitter feed. Minehunt in Lost Temple accidentally yields glimpses of El Dorado By @TriNitroToIuene Mr. Bumble Klutz, an unsuspecting tank simply enjoying his regular minehunt, has made one of the most astounding discoveries in Tanki Online History - the lost city of gold, El Dorado. Mr. Klutz describes his experience as 'one which amazed and marveled me as to how there could be so much gold stacked in one place.' How exactly did our dear friend stumble upon the treasure? "I was trying to detonate this trickily placed mine," he said, "and then when I was trying to get my Rico recoil to steady me, I tipped over.... and fell into a secret room!" Though many critics have labeled this story false, Bumble has staunchly sworn by his story despite an ominous lack of photographic or video evidence. "I mean, it was a minehunt!" he says. "Safety reasons, you know." An independent team is leading an expedition to Lost Temple as we report this right now, and it is set to be the biggest excavation in Tanki's timeline. Armed with metal detectors, drillers and cheat engines, this team plans to spend three months at Lost Temple, digging - all based on the word of a single tanker. "It's real, I say! There's this secret room at Lost Temple right by the western boundary, and there are stacks and stacks of precious stones! All blue!" Wait. Blue? The Dictator has come to the conclusion that Mr. Bumble, rather than El Dorado, probably stumbled upon TO's hidden stash of crystal boxes; hidden by the developers after the Crystal Box removal update in order to ensure nobody manages to get their hands on those. As per reports, over three million crystal boxes, including the ones worth 100 crystals, were rendered useless, and the value of one crystal box in the black market now would far transcend that of a hundred thousand gold boxes. Bumble Klutz has no idea what he just missed, and he should have had the sense to grab a few and make a hasty exit. Meanwhile, we at The Dictator HQ are placing bets on how fast Lost Temple tourism will surge now. Tanker begins campaign to stop discrimination against newbies By @Yisroel.Rabin Dr_LegoMaster2017 is very passionate about his new campaign, which raises awareness to stop discrimination against newbies (more commonly known as noobs). He's held quite a few public rallies, where he took questions from various reporters from different newspapers. I knew I couldn't miss this amazing event, so I packed my bags, jumped on a plane, took three roller coasters and a magic school bus, and got to the rally just in time to get a few answers from LegoMaster. "Why do you think you could be the one to turn everything around? What's your plan, and more importantly, why do you think noobs should be treated differently?" "First of all, Mr. Rabin, it's 'newbies', not 'noobs'. Secondly, I know I can be the one to stop this catastrophic situation because I had a dream! I had a dream I was eating a marshmallow and sugarcane sandwich in the local park, when a newbie came to me. He was weeping silently, blood dripping from his nose. When I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to a group of early teens, whom I assumed were all Legends. They walked off, laughing and exchanging foolish impressions of the young newbie. That is why, my friend, I am fit to be standing before this crowd, spreading my feelings for these innocent youngsters." He went on to explain how he had gone through intense cyber bullying as a kid himself, and it let him to a wrong path. He said, that although he managed to get his life fixed up, not everyone can, and those who can't deserve better. All in all, we can all take and learn something from this situation; don't mess with the worst. Notorious vampire hunted down and killed By @mydoom.exe The infamous vampire "Isida von Goldpls" has finally succumbed to the brave anti-undead team known only as the "Developers". The fearsome creature of the night has been known throughout the EN, DE, and RU villages as one who took the life forces of innocent tanks for itself. If age-old legends from said villages are to be believed, Isida has originated 400 years ago, in the year 2009. Apparently, Isida von Goldpls was, at first, a mystic healer, with great capacity to heal both himself and others. However, he soon forsook those abilities in favour of darker arts - the power to suck away energy from his victims' life forces. It is told that von Goldpls was the very first vampire from that day, and since then, many duplicates and disciples have popped up, terrorizing the villages of EN, DE, and RU. That is where the Developers came in, deploying multiple other weapons to the villages to defend themselves. The power of lightning, fire, air, water, and earth were harnessed, and from those elements, every Tanki weapon came into existence, each serving the purpose of defending against the noxious creatures of nightmares. Many fell on both sides, but each for naught - Isida von Goldpls was still out of the grasp of the Developers, and was far more powerful than the weapons of the villagers. Until yesterday, the 15th of February. Isida von Goldpls was finally vanquished by the Developers. Without their leader, all of the lookalikes and minions vanished into thin air, possibly never to be seen again. How was Isida killed, and who did it? A member of the Developers has kindly offered to give us a firsthand account of what happened, on the condition that she remain anonymous: "Well, our team was simply unable to get rid of Isida von Goldpls for a long time now. We tried using a weapon that has worked for numerous other heinous villains, foremost among them Shaft Noobnub - the Nerf. Essentially, we focus the ray of the Nerf on said villain and once it is fully charged, we open fire. The Nerf Gun doesn't outright kill them, but it weakens whoever we attacked to such an extent that we can capture them. From there, we can learn how to ensure that this type of menace never occurs again by studying their biological features. However, this unfortunately didn't work on Isida, and so were forced to try out an experimental new weapon - an adaptation of the Nerf we call the Killjoy. It's called that because it kills joy. Pure and simple. Anyways, we managed to track down Isida von Goldpls to his secret mountain lair at the Northernmost cliff of Mount Semyon in Cave #9, located at the border of the DE and RU villages. Once there, we decided that the best way to keep Tankers from turning into vampires was to kill off their leader once and for all. So we turned up the Killjoy to 11/10 on the scale and opened fire. Well, we did it, we finally killed Isida." And that is all on this fresh report from The Dictator. Russian hackers stomp through maps with super-mechs By @Yisroel.Rabin Things are getting pretty crazy cool at Tanki lately. There's mean a group of Russian hackers who, within only a few hours, managed to get access to the game code and implement their own super mechs. They proceeded to join battles with these mechs the size of the average TO building. They were practically indestructible. There were three players, each with their own specialized mechs. The first player, named Hacker_RU_01, had a red, fire-styled mech. Anyone who even touched it began burning HP quickly, and would die seconds later. The turret for this particular mech was located inside the mouth of the mech. When shooting, it breathed fire up to 50 times larger than Firebird's flames. It destroyed even a Mammoth M4 almost instantly. The second hacker, named Hacker_RU_02, used a stainless steel mech, with yellow designs splattered around it. He actually had to two Striker turrets, which were located on his arms. They were a whooping 30 times bigger than the ordinary Striker turret, and when he fired, rockets the length of three Titans shot out. These rockets not only tore apart anyone it hit, but had a horrific splash damage affect, which was about the size of Sandbox. The third and final hacker, obviously named Hacker_RU_03, had a Freeze styled mech. With blue and white designs, with ice blocks randomly displayed around his mech, he stomped the map, stepping on retreating tanks, flattening them without a care. He a gigantic freeze ray gun, which he held in his gigantic hand. When he fired, it shot out ice pellets which flew up to fifty feet away. Of course, being Tanki doesn't want gigantic mechs wrecking their game, regardless of how awesome it is, they've challenged the hacks to a duel with Godmode_ON. If Godmode won, the hackers would have to leave the game. The hackers accepted and the steel mech took up the duel. Without even a wince, he fired a single rocket to the Sandbox ground and blew up the entire map. It is still undecided as what to do with these hackers, so enjoy admiring the super jumbo mechs while you can. If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months! - July 2014 - August 2014 - September 2014 - October 2014 - November 2014 - January 2015 - February 2015 - March 2015 - August 2015 - December 2015 - January 2016 - February 2017 - March 2017

OK

I color the ones I get black, put them in my schools vending machine, press the return button and get regular coins back. Then, someone buys a snack and gets black colored change. I'm not even joking.

I wish. The only thing exciting about our quarters are the rare ones.

You should probably eat some pizza.

Why is 10 not onety-zero?

Buy now or wait for Iron Days?

Yes, I've been having issues for quite some time too. I don't always have to deal with it as I mostly use the forum on my phone, where "Remember Me" is checked, but when I need to use a computer, I don't check it and have the problem a lot of the time. I believe it's a problem with the security check. There used to be a different one, but it started malfunctioning so Tanki switched it for the current one, but it seems as though this one is having problems now as well. Not such a big deal, so long as Tanki changes it, again.

Wait, you made that? Noice! ^

Hey, look guys! Ricochet's back!

I don't know, but I know spectators invade people's privacy in their free time.

Oh dear, no. I've had a couple bans for provocation, but that was overlooked, fortunately. But swearing just isn't me. Never swore on this game, ever.

~ My Photos of the Day ~ ~ Number #109 ~ Modeless Spectator: Yisroel.Rabin Tankers in Pics: N_O_C_T_U_R_N_E Map: Lost Temple (Summer); Barda (Summer Day) Total Pic Count: 10 Total Photoshoot Pics: 1,552 --> Album <-- Was online for the weekend, and within a few hours of me logging on I was asked to take pics. xD Some things just don't get old, do they? Anyways, it felt good to jump right back into it. Not my best pics ever as I'm a bit rusty, but they're fine, I guess.

You guys can learn a thing or two from me.

The red pill if you know what's good for you! And @@SHOAIB.ZAFAR, the choice isn't his to make, he's already made the choice, he's just here to understand why he's made it. Sorry guys, I just love The Matrix. :wub:

Shush, me do what me want. jk k i stop pumping. Thanks. :P Topic... not bumped?

Edits: -Corrected a few double-spaces; -Fixed some wording; -Other minor edits;

Ok, hi.

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. Quite a bit has happened in the passed month, so there's quite a bit to be filled in on. Read on! Hazel on the loose By @Yisroel.Rabin Semyon Strizhak, more commonly known as , is a game designer and practically the head developer for Tanki Online, and known as a pretty 'chill guy' in both the English and Russian communities. However, his virtual appearance reveals nothing of what goes on in the office. It's common knowledge that after spending as much time as he has working for TO, one begins to lose their minds. That's the reason famous figures such as Semyon Kirov and Bruce Lunga (the previous community managers) have left. However, Hazel's a valuable piece to the company, so TO decided to keep him on the board, no matter what the consequences were. As a result of this decision, Hazel was forced to take medications against his will in order to keep him humanly functional. But ingesting as many drugs as the average TO YouTuber isn't the most healthy thing, especially if the person's job is to sit and stare at a computer screen the whole day. So, after what must have been a combination of deep pondering and existential crisis, Hazel broke out. It happened on the night of Valentine's day, when the rest of the team was taking a break from their computers, to read their store-bought cards to their crushes. Hazel, being forever alone, made his daring escape. He grabbed the prototype of the Striker turret, which he'd built himself, sneaked out back to the dormitories where the captives of TO all slept (if given the chance), shot the thick glass window and watched it crash into pieces. Knowing the noise of the crash must've disturbed the rest of the teams' reading, he quickly jumped out the window, swung open the only door to the barbed-wire fence securing the TOHQ grounds, and ran off into the rainy Russia night. Of course, all this was caught on camera as proof, and believe me when I say, my colleagues and I were shocked to high heaven when we first saw the footage. But sadly, we cannot publicize the recording for various technical reasons. Hazel is now a top wanted individual in Perm, with a big price on his head, too (an estimated 3 million crystals and 1000 gold box supplies). However, rumors are circulating that Hazel has departed from Russia entirely, and has started a new life with a new identity in South America, living to the fullest every second of his life the universe has to offer. But, being that we're The Dictator, we don't cover "rumors". No, we only do cold hard fact. Booby-trapped gold boxes on the rise, alert issued by HQ By @TriNitroToIuene Last week, TO administration issued a code-red alert across all servers over threats of booby-trapped gold boxes, primed to explode upon being taken. This alarm arrives after almost a week of innocent tankers self-destructing once they caught the gold, only to see the box disappear and notice the ominous absence of credited crystals to their wallet. "As a dedicated administration, we take consumer complaints very seriously," said a Tanki Online representative. "Determining what caused the gold boxes to go up in flames and rectifying it immediately is our utmost priority." And in these chaotic seven days, over seven hundred gold-diggers tankers have been admitted in ICUs owing to extreme second-degree burns. Tankers are infuriated over this latest development in the game. "We demand that all gold boxes values and drop frequencies be multiplied by 10 as compensation!" was the clamour of some members of the general public, many without the faintest idea of what was going on; the developers seem to have little clue as to what caused the golden explosions, now popularly dubbed "Gold 7". A visit to TO's Russian gold box contractor, Aurum Incorporated, assisted The Dictator team no better in finding a cause. "We stuck to the basic metallurgical process for making them gold boxes," said an official. "There is absolutely no way someone could have planted explosives in our boxes. It's either a case of sabotage, or we've been hacked by Russians... Wait a minute, we are Russians!" At this point, our team deemed it fitting to exit the building. Rumours have it that the explosions were triggered by the same formula employed during the April Fool's celebrations, hinting towards some serious treason within HQ. Finally, a warning to those stocking up on gold box supplies: at this moment, your garage is extremely volatile. Get rid of every single of those boxes as soon as possible while the alert is still on, unless you want to see all your XTs and premium accounts go up in smoke as collateral damage! You have been warned. Stay safe. Godmode_ON spotted at McDonalds drive thru By @Yisroel.Rabin It's been a while since we've last had Godmode in the news, since it seems he's been hiding in the shadows, but it turns out he's actually taking a break from being the most feared tanker online and roaming the land to become a worker at a McDonalds drive-thru. Yes, that's right, we've had reports from tankers that they've been experiencing some extremely abnormal activity at a drive-thru in Florida, USA, where Godmode has supposedly retired to. One of our clients reported the following: "Yea, I swear man, t'was creepy as an M4 Railgun warmin' up in front of your eye balls. First, purple gloomy cloud stuff were bein' hoverin' over deh drive-thru. Next, I pull up to that speaker thingy and I hear the gold siren every so often. Then, when I pulled my ol' Mercedes Benz to that damn window, I don't see a person, I see a massive tank with that famous purple paint thing. He turned his human sized Thunder M4 XT to me and fired right after I had a chance to duck. It shattered my poor ol' Mercedes to bits, but I'm alive to tell the tale, thankfully." As you can see, this rumor is no joke. The Tanki Online Administrators group is currently investigating vigorously, and although it seems Godmode has departed from the Florida drive-thru, it's assumed he's only done so as a result of media attention. Tanki clan leaders have sent out more troops than we have a count of, bombarding every single McDonalds drive-thru in humanity in hopes of finding the retired beast we all love yet dread so much. And now for the weather. Railgun and Hornet banned, RU1 closing down By The coming of the new year is generally marked or symbolized with happiness, flowers and flora. People look forward to the upcoming Spring - there's freshness and the intricate aroma of African coffee buzzing throughout the streets, and what's more: there are sales! An extravaganza of turrets, hulls, paints and modules are put up at fifty-percent off, with the hope of an ever-growing database and happy tankers. But what happened this month was a truly table-turning story. Yes, Railgun and Hornet both were banned from use by the Tanki Department of Hulls and Turrets [TDH&T]. In a statement issued on February 2nd, CEO of TDH&T Mr. Krhaiz Assimov, in-game nickname LemonsTomatoesPotatoes, said: "We want to add some more dynamic into the game. I'm a fan of XP myself, but since this combination has taken over the entirety of Tanki, we felt like banning it was right choice, even if it causes huge unrest and protests. The deciding committee has already finalized this decision, and there's no turning back - XP has been banned for at least six or seven years. One more decision is still pending on whether we will disconnect RU1 too, but we'll see what happens later." Several communities have joined hands against this barbaric decision, and are already planning a coup, saying that this is possibly the last chance to save this game. Should the English community unite with the Chinese, Spanish, Polish and the Brazilians communities too? New community joins Tanki Online By @Yisroel.Rabin Tanki Online already has a pretty big variety of communities, ranging from our very own English community to the still growing Chinese community. However, Tanki heads have taken the matter of 'creating various communities' to a whole new level. Recently, with the cooperation of different space exploration agencies, Tanki has been looking into creating a new platform on Mars and potentially starting a new Martian-based community on the rocky red planet. Of course, a few sacrifices will need to be made in order to accomplish such a heroic and ambitious task. Here's what Tanki's financial expert, Batman, has to say about this: "It is exciting, creating a whole new platform on a whole new world, but of course, with all great things come great consequences. Thus being, we'll have to salute some of our great developers and helpers as they journey off to Mars to live the rest of their lives there, working long and hard to make this dream a reality. We'll be sending off quite a bunch of our team, and even some new recruits. For example, we'll be saluting Hazel-Rah, our loyal game designer and close friend of mine. He's going as a major contributing factor to the project, but also as a founding figure for the less-experienced helpers to follow. But we're mainly sending him away to get rid of him, he's quite the tick-off in the office. Oh, and I'm Batman!" Building for Mars community HQ, as well as its server base, is planned to begin sometime around June, and it should be ready sometime next year for all Martians to enjoy! Multing officially legal, servers in chaos By @Savage In a desperate move to eradicate the mult problem once and for all, the Tanki Developer team resorted to desperate tactics in the latest update. @GoldRock himself, when questioned, admitted to having a hand in it. "Mults don't get enough credit. Their determination and perseverance is admirable. I thought that it was high time that their efforts were rewarded, especially as I can relate to them they suffer so much abuse." The developers have taken Gold's idea further and outlawed pros from battles. The news even reached as far as the depths of RU22, where the mult leader himself (a mysterious figure who generally goes by the name of @Blackdrakon30) who, after hearing the announcement, was so overwhelmed with joy that he accidentally rotated his turret and was promptly expelled. According to reports, the the mults then flooded into the blissfully unaware RU1 and began to cause havoc. Battle Moderators then entered the scene, and thousands of RU1 XP/BP players suddenly found themselves unceremoniously kicked from battle. "sry kid ur too pro xaxaxa" was the ban reason. In an outrage, many began to write essays of hate directed at the Chat Administrators, who of course are always directly responsible for anything that goes wrong. Over on EN2 things were equally chaotic. Mults discovered that they could enter formatted battles, and even got crystal rewards for doing so. A battered Hornet M2 who survived the purge was questioned. "A huge picture of a Wasp and Shaft appeared where the skybox should have been, and then we heard a sound like an angry swarm of bees as hundreds of Isidas descended on our 4v4." Many players have decided that the only way to achieve victory was to join the carnage, and many new recruits gathered on the streets of Berlin to cheer on the Mult Pride March. When @GoldRock was asked whether he regretted his decision to push this update into existence, he replied "Tanki X needs more players" and promptly exited the interview. Chat moderator offended by mob after rightfully banning players By @Yisroel.Rabin Moderator's discrimination is nothing knew, but that's nothing compared to what happened to a chat moderator by the name of Daddy_Sloth after he just so happened to ban a couple of provoking high school seniors who were violating rules from things as small as flood and provocation to full on offensive comments and racial slurs. After GangsterzInHoods got banned for a week for violating the various rules he'd committed, his fellow 'homies', as well as a few other people who were looking for a fight, piped up. One particular tanker recognized the moderator's signature from the last time he'd been banned, and called him out on it, calling him a "dirty noob" along with a bunch of other things we're not permitted to say on such a family-friendly game. In the end of the day, Daddy_Sloth has retired from his helper position because of the backlash he got, and is suffering in an institution for people with emotional brain damage. Administrators are doing their best to keep the problem handled and, of course, hidden from the general public. So, think the next time you're thinking of spewing out a disrespectful comment to a moderator, they might just end up with a brain problem. #ModsLivesMatter Twins core formula revision sparks concern between engineers By @TheZigzagoonThatCan Confused protest from military molecular engineers across the globe has grown to a reasonable volume over the last several days, the subject specifically revolving around the formula used to produce new Twins models. The previous formula, patented by a veteran group of physicists known as Slovenian Plasma Accelerator Manipulation team (SPAM), has been recently modified by means of executive order from the recently administrated president of the group for reasons initially both unforeseen and unexplainable. Heavy classification limits the amount of detail we of the Dictator's reporting team can acquire on the nature of the changes, but a number of amateur scientists have already come to the conclusion that a there was an elemental shift from more stable isotopes to highly unstable and radioactive ones. One particular blogger by the name of [REDACTED] goes into extensive detail on the mechanics of the modified turret. "We believe that promethium was used in place of a relatively more stable neptunium core in these particular models, causing the plasmic shells to rupture and expand more dramatically after ejecting from the chamber than a standard Twins shell. It appears that, according to the bright yellow warning label slapped onto the core complex, that both promethium and neptunium cores can only be replaced by the hand of a specialized SPAM engineering crew. Seems like a complex money grab to me." Most of the blog was removed shortly after its publication due to containing a large amount of apparently confidential data, of which we obviously cannot report. [REDACTED] has not shown any signs of activity in that forum since, with SPAM sources stating that "the dumb kid probably turned himself into a glowstick after trying to change it himself". Other bloggers suspect foul play is involved, but for the time being, the aftermath is not clear to anyone beyond the inner circles. It's clear that a number of theories have already sprung to life between military intelligence groups and resource managers on the topic of the sudden revision. The most prominent of these hypotheses have leaked from numerous facilities that supply notable elements to Twins' construction, namely those that mine materials that require a Geiger counter to work with (such as uranium-235, various isotopes of gadolinium, and caesium-137), have recently seen a decline in production. "There's been a large decline in material traffic over the last several weeks," a SPAM caravan driver states, "So the mines' largest veins have probably been drained. They've probably moved on to a cheaper resource to hunt, something they don't need to drive halfway across the continent for." This formula change already has numerous physicists and engineers in fits over the production process. One tank weapons developer states, "Utilizing these new cores is incredibly dangerous without proper lead shielding and magnetic field buffers. The bite is that if we want these new shells to be launched in a sterile testing environment while making quick and concise repairs, we have to remove and rearm them every single time. Leaving them off during testing has already led to numerous injuries and a few casualties, and we're already on thin ice with a couple of life-insurance companies. The fact that we have to constantly reinstall plates every time a minor error occurs is incredibly time consuming, and has the potential to slow down production drastically." If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months! - July 2014 - August 2014 - September 2014 - October 2014 - November 2014 - January 2015 - February 2015 - March 2015 - August 2015 - December 2015 - January 2016 - February 2017

Sheesh Hazel, you're cr33py.