Yup, and you get my nomination for Crested because your name is blastoor. And maybe star.

4 Mini-Guides to Tanki Online A few crystals short for the MU on your Freeze + Mammoth combo? Bewildered on the subject of capturing flags or controlling points? Puzzled by the difficulty of killing a tank? Well, wonder no more! Here, I have composed 4 small guides guaranteed to get you your first crystal earned in battle, or be the team's hero and capturing a flag during 39-0, your team losing (because you can't turn your turret)! 4. How to Kill a Tank Look how far you went! You are a professional player, with a whopping 700 crystals! I bet nobody else near your rank can compete with that, Recruit! (Maybe because they bought Savage Kit early on. How should I know?) However, to take your skills to the next level, you have to attempt the near-impossible act of killing an enemy tank! How do you do it, you ask? Simple! All you require is a Tanki Online account, a repaired keyboard that you broke after raging because you got no crystals or even XP on a 1 hour Sandal DM. Not your fault you couldn't kill anyone, am I wrong right? So here's the hidden secret that I bet you never knew: Turn your tank to aim at an opponent. No need to turn your turret, you can use the left and right arrow keys or A and D to turn your hull. Afterwards, put your hand on the space bar. That's right, the space bar you broke replaced (hopefully) to kill a tanker. Don't worry if you do not one shot him! Tanki apparently decided to make it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, requiring more than 1 shot! Unbelievable! Anyway, keep shooting, and re-adjust your hull if the noob tries to do the dirtier-than-drugging tactic (You don't drug because you don't know how to!) called dodging! And it's best to aim for AFK players; as you have the element of surprise. 3. How to Capture a Flag Apparently, your team is mad at you (I mean, why else would they be keeping you flipped and flipping you unless they were mad at you?) because you can't turn your turret. Forget them! You don't need to turn your turret. I mean, what about the 3 points you got in the battle? 3 hard earned points that nobody appreciates! Anyway, your teammates have stalled the opponent. You experience a fleeting joy as you take the flag. But... now you're stuck. What do you do? You valiantly attempt to capture the flag, but you just don't know how! You keep trying... And obviously you fail. Otherwise, why bother reading this guide if you can already do such skill-requiring actions such as capturing a flag! Anyway, I'm telling you how to capture the flag so you'll know what to do next time. Hand trembling, have it find its way to the WASD or arrow keys. (Hopefully you DID not break replace them.) Drive your Mammoth + Freeze M0 tank to the flag. Hey, you might take forever to get there and have done better passing the flag a little longer than if you used the horrible hull Hornet (look they all start with H) but don't worry, you'll get there in the end! When you reach your flag pedestal, you will not believe me, but... You have to, while holding the flag, drive over it. What a complicated process! I wonder how the enemy team repeated it 39 times within the short time frame of an hour! And it wasn't because you were useless; you scored 3 points! 2. How to earn Crystals After hours, days, months you finally rank up to the rank of... Private! A wonderful achievement, combined with the 10 rankup crystals you got, makes you feel elated. But, it costs 100 crystals to speed up the MU that is going to take the incredibly long time of 20 minutes! So how do you earn crystals? And I don't mean at the snail-like pace that professionals have to go at, I mean you can get 1 million crystals in one go! And it might only take 10 years, given your current intelligence 10 days, whereas it would take you ten lifetimes to get 1 million crystals! First of all, you need to get some money. Not the TO kind; real money. Bonus points if you get Russian money, as Russians get crystals cheaper (This is actually a real problem in TO, not just me joking. But be nice to RU and EN and decrease our prices too.) Anyway, move your cursor to the elusive corner, known only as the "Buy Crystals" button. Spend your $1,000 dollars you got. But wait... Only do it if you have the VIP card called "Double Crystal Card"! You will get DOUBLE THE CRYSTALS! Now, you've got your 3 million crystals (how should I know, have I spent that much money on a game before?) and now you can fully MU your M0 Freeze + Mammoth combo to 50/50! Which means you have the best combo in the game now! Oh, what was that about M1s, M2s, and M3s? Those are HACKS for dirty hackers who want to actually win! Pfft, all you need are those 5 XP points and 1 crystal from your 1 hour Sandal CTF! Why get anything else? 1. How to chat You're now a professional Tanki Online player! Clocking in at a 0.05 KDR and 1,000 XP on your M0 fully MUed Mammoth + Freeze combo for playing ten years, you'd expect some people to be jealous of you! But you have to be a Master Sergeant to chat, and that requires about 20,000 XP points! Ridiculous! So, repeat the 10 year process of getting 1,000 XP 20 times! But wait... It's a ten year process... 20 times... That clocks in at playing another 190 years! I don't think you'd even live that long, would you? So pay a good player hacker to get you those 19,000 XP points! And rip them off with the measly pay of $100 dollars! Wait, they did it in 2 days? Professional hacker there! Now you can do it. Press your jammed in Enter key. Type whatever you want, preferably something like, "nuub u wurs then meee!", or, "u is haxer u canots has 2 kilz in thisz nuub batel!" Prepare for someone to break their keyboard... That would be you, mult. Thank you for reading this cringe fest article! Keep turning your turrets, guys! This is BLASTER872, signing out.

Yup, listen to me. I am supreme noob. 3rd clan war won! I do NOT like how it ended up. Would have won too even if they showed up. Anyone with doubts can use their M0s and come and challenge Allseeingeye_tanki and I. Oh, and you'll need to say, "NOOO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING I CANNOT LOSE FOR MY CLAN NOOO"

8.76543219/10

I 1v1 player in Zone, I is the [pro=lagger] again, i lose 2-7, i took gold last time we dueled so he took gold that dropped... No don't, I like the outdatedness

I was jk m9 dos molotov is noob do guhbaka

The good thing is I saw it happen

It's so bad I don't wanna say. The first half is POPCORN all caps. The second half is my real name. I'd rather not reveal that. Oh and 8/10 MiR4cUl0uS

Alright, text wall incoming. My nickname is better than yours, as mine is named after Thunder. My first one was really cringe worthy.

0.0001/10

It's [hr] not [/hr]. And I want to suggest doing something about BullDo. Inactive. ContractKiller isn't showing up much. Does he have a LoA?

Crystals are winning.

6/10 That's approximately 7.1/10 "... you rate above player's nickname with a simple scale of 1-10" Not 0/10 or -9999999999999999999999/10. Please people no ruin dis game.

xD You did some spacing improvements, which made my text look like this. Wordcounttool.net said this was about 600 words. Not short at all you guys. It just looks short. Appreciate my nub writing fails!111

So tell me, you wouldn't have been able to do something about it? You could have... If you gave Zenith101/KillerGnat power to warn, suggest kicks, and overall take over leadership for 50 hours stuff would've been better. "I don't want BD members they squabble" I ask you: WHAT HAS HD BEEN DOING THE PAST 2 DAYS? I ask for a temp replacement if I'm gone for 24 hours. Not that my clan would act like this. I've been gone for 1 week before and I really wonder why nobody flamed each other or squabbled! If there's anyone more disappointed in this than DOS, it's me. DOS wanted to have fun at soccer camp, not worry that his clan caused a scandal. And guess what, you guys did. I'm really disappointed.

WB DOS, do something about this mess your clan is in. I'll give you a re-cap: You didn't give anyone leadership perms when you were gone so fights were a daily thing

What is the prophecy of noobs? Oh yeah I should know seeing as I made a cringe fest article on them.

Stop it you guys. You make your clan look bad. I'm seriously thinking about terminating our alliance. Control yourselves, and stop acting like the noob clans with 0-0-10 war log who squabble and can't stay organized. This isn't DOS's fault; his successors (for a little while) are naturally Zenith101 and KillerGnat. I'd do something if I had the power to. I don't; naturally it is their job. But they are asleep right now, so please. Stay organized, and stop acting like [insert-clan-name-here]. regards, blaster

Wish I grew up home schooled. Counting sticks. Meh, I'm counting xp points now.

At some point you'll be the person who died last for a split second

It looked long before Night Sisters started making it look small Though the edits helped the article lots. Wut, don't cringe cuz of mults, k

zd no.

xD I might actually create worthwhile nicknames for them. I'll change the subtitles if I think of nicknames for them. What I'm currently thinking: 5. Goldies (In honor of GoldRock) 4. Box Hoarders 3. Mr. ICan'tTurnMyTurret (Hey, long but still good) 2. Hacksucators 1. Mults. (They are a good name, BLASTER not bother replace it.) You know what let's go with it we need real nicknames and classifications fr some of these noobs

1. Agreed. 2. May need a bit of tweaking but good idea. 3. Do the same for accepting people! Everyone currently on in TM does background checks and it may take up to 20 minutes for an answer (assuming I'm even on) 4. Yes, so you can change the times of less used trainings. But the amount of attendees should tell you everything. 5. No, a clan needs to be flexible. 6. DDOS is trying. It's very hard to find a clan war where you're not guaranteed to lose. 7. Good idea. May require extensive time and organizational skills to set up. You can do it yoyo. 8. I sincerely hope you are joking.