Losing happens in life. Why do I have to do summer homework?

Promotion for @Thiedes plz... that banner is truly breathtaking.

122

I don’t have Minecraft ? What is your favorite game?

There are 100 years in a century. How many years are in a decade?

I'm crying up a flood. But don't worry, it's all good.

Congrats to @MiZ0o0 for becoming eSports Helper candidate. Hope you pass candi soon ?

1: Gauss Fun Fact: Gauss is the first math genius to win the “Most Annoying Turret” Award in the 21st century. From the moment it was conceived, Gauss seemed set for success. With its amazing features and superior gameplay, Gauss has won over the hearts of many buyers (and kept those who couldn’t afford it in a state of perpetual anger). As a sniping turret without that telltale line bringing up your blood pressure, it has also brought along new pains for the kid who wishes to gloriously capture the flag. Gauss has the uncanny ability to kill a full map of gold-seekers awaiting another drop from the sky while taking no damage at all for shooting a cartridge of napalm right in your face. It's pretty common to see a Gauss racking up the points and crystals in a match, even ahead of a particularly weak Juggernaut. It's quite amazing how this turret manages to get it all done. Now I'm in battle, playing for a few more stars before this challenge comes to a close. Come on, please, someone save me. I’m trapped in a game with four Gausses, all on the enemy team. Yea... uh-huh, oh right, there's an escape button! Gauss's Augment that also costs more than my entire savings Electromagnetic Salvo/EMP Rounds: Nothing can get you closer to getting a spiritual revelation in the middle of a Tanki match more than being frozen and having your supplies taken away except maybe having college entrance exams in about five hours and worrying that you might not live up to everyone’s expectations. It’s just so humbling to be immobile and helpless in the middle of the battlefield, y’know? Ratings: Ubiquity: Gauss was getting pre-orders before it released and sold right off the shelves in the first 24 hours of its release. Sorry, Magnum, you just weren’t cool enough to get this kind of treatment. 9.25/10 Versatility: Gauss does amazing damage in mid-range and farther distances. At short range, it’s a matter of control and skill, but you can still get there. 8.25/10 Damage: When I first got Gauss, its damage looked ‘meh’. But I realized there was an “Upgrade” button. So now it works fine. 9.25/10 Special Factors: Gauss’s somewhat bothersome reload is easily countered with the seemingly enormous splash damage and comparable impact forces. Just don’t aim it at yourself, ok? 8.75/10 Overall: 9/10 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Well, that's it for my first episode in the MM: A Definitive Review series. Hope you enjoyed and see you next time. Hopefully, these turrets won't bother you too much.

2: Smoky bam bam bam b- where’d my crit go? Ugh, Smoky. While watching battles, I used to hear about Smoky being too weak to even face off against Shaft’s arcade shots. But of course, that, like every other piece of my brother's advice, was dead wrong. I spun around Chernobyl, a bit confused as I hadn’t seen the map in ages. Instantly, I took off in the direction of the static blue icon denoting the flag, took it, and ran for the high hills. Instantly, I felt a few jabs to the right, knocking off my flawless steering. Not again, I thought. A Smoky was on my tail. To stop him, I ran into some cover and out of sight. Twenty seconds later, I was back at my home base, flag captured, duty done. With some more adrenaline up my nerves, I ran back and captured the flag, making sure to burn the Smoky-Wasp to shreds before I embarked on the journey home. Taking a quick stroll after my second capture, I was desperately waiting for my supplies on cooldown and looking out for any Shafts, I sped through the map, ready to capture another flag. As I crept through the enemy base warily, a jolt to the left unsettled me. Then another. Then some more. Perhaps I had tripped. Perhaps I didn’t watch out. Actually, as life would have it, it was not one, but two players with Smoky. A Smoky-Wasp and a Smoky-Viking, both eating my health and morale away until it was no more. They didn’t capture a single flag after that. But they made sure I didn’t either. In the end it was 2-0, but for me, it didn’t feel like a win. Augments for Smoky - Making everything more annoying since 2018 Autocannon: Nothing can be more fun than watching a Smoky focus on you and watching your hitpoints quickly drain away. Maybe watching your friends play Jackbox.tv while you’re secretly wishing you could join in but know that your brother is going to stare you down until the moment you succumb to his icy stare and stop playing. But that’s almost as fun. Just almost. Incendiary Rounds: What’s the fun in burning someone right next to them when you can do it across the map? Cryo Rounds: The new fashion in town: playing Red Light, Green Light in Tanki Online. The rules: move when the light is green and slowly at yellow, but you’ve got to stop when it turns red. Make it to the enemy base and capture a flag. Okay, do you understand? Yes? Alright, ready, get set… Green Light! Move your tank forward as much as you can and grab the flag while no one is looking. Yellow Light! A band of enemies are coming. Red Light! You just got hit with a Cryo Round. A Firebird quickly finishes you off. Well, you didn’t quite make it. Good luck next time! Ratings: Ubiquity: In the early ranks, nearly everyone’s a Smoky. It doesn’t change much in the upper ranks. 9/10 Versatility: Though Smoky’s damage decreases a bit with distance (which results in more shots to kill an enemy), it can cover short and midranges almost perfectly. 9/10 Damage: Smoky’s damage per shot is sometimes laughable for seasoned Freezes. Then they get hit full in the face with a electrifying bolt of lightning. 7.75/10 Special Factors: The critical’s a big factor here. Couple that with a short reload and decent impact force, and you got a tank-slaughtering machine. 9.5/10 Overall: 8.75/10 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3: Vulcan Reminder: go to grocery store for peas to refill your vulcan. oh wait, you can’t. unless you want corona Have you ever been in a group project where there's this kid who never stops asking questions? You get the prompt. "Uh... what's the prompt again?" The teacher discusses the grading scale. "How many points is it out of?" Your teammates and you start the project. "What are we going to be doing for xxxx" And it goes on... A week later, you're glad to be relieved of this pure torture. So when you get your grade back after presenting the project, you find that a celebration is in order. Rushing to the corner store to buy some snacks and call for a party, you're ready to rush home and play Tanki. Finally! Logging in, choosing a combination, and queueing up for battle, you're excited to relieve some stress by capturing a few flags and crushing your opponents gloriously. A few seconds into the first game, you see your health dipping. Applying a repair kit, you're good as new, right? Just kidding, the Vulcan behind you is still sapping your health. It's the same thing, again, but now in Tanki. You've got to be kidding. Vulcan + Augments = Terror Reinforced Aiming Transmission: This new Vulcan is spinning like crazy, hitting you at every single angle just to make sure you won't get that flag. Or your teammate. Or your other teammate. Incendiary Band: It’s warm. Is it your potato radiator acting up again? Or maybe the exhaust from that Mammoth? Actually, news flash: it’s neither; a Vulcan is hiding out behind you, draining your HP. Ratings: Ubiquity: Being a Vulcan requires skill, patience, and dedication. Few players have enough to deal with this fickle turret. 4/10 Versatility: Vulcan, I am proud to say, is one of those turrets who I believe hits a pretty good damage at all distances. Well, as long as it can find a target without being consumed first. 8.5/10 Damage: Get a nail. Hammer it into a surface. Understand how Vulcan’s damage works? Oh man, is it annoying. 9.75/10 Special Factors: Reload’s a bit problematic, so make sure you’re well covered. Also, this thing does some interesting self-damage, so make sure you’ve got enough Repair Kits. 6/10 Overall: 8.25/10 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4: Railgun Railgun’s the turret of choice for eSports players, hopeless low-rankers, and RTL players hoping for an easy win on smaller players. It's a perfect way to flex your skills while racking up kills. Unlike the noobs that always miss every single shot like me, these players hardly ever hit nothing but air. In battle, it's what I seriously hate to be up against, especially in open maps where they get a real field day to mop up every single Firebird, Hammer, and Ricochet in town. The chances of dodging this Railgun? Terribly low, but I'll be writing a guide on how to avoid Railgun shots, so look out for that. The chances of your team winning against a team of skilled Railguns in Massacre? Even lower! No, your only hope is to get close enough to the Railgun so that you're at an advantage - until you realize you do splash damage. The impact may have damaged him, but it's sent your tank and morale to the graveyard, never to rise again. More Augments - Railgun Edition! Round Destabilization: In physics, the Third Law of Thermodynamics dictates that things tend to move towards a state of entropy, or disorder as time progresses. As the years go by on this Railgun, so does its damage stability. And so does the stability of your mood as the games go by. Large Caliber Rounds: You might think that this Railgun is patiently biding his time. But in reality, he’s waiting for you to fall for a trap so he can finally one-shot you. Ratings: Ubiquity: Lots of Railguns in XP/BP, but not as many in game. 7/10 Versatility: Railguns have been able to shoot across maps as well as in close-knit situations, so it’s doing well there. 8.75/10 Damage: Railgun’s damage would be a bit better if it could destroy an opponent in one shot. But what’s double damage for? 6.75/10 Special Factors: The crazy impact forces of the 80s are over, but a well-shot Rail can knock your aim off and make you hit your teammate instead of him. But the reload and the 1.1 second delay? Not as fun, but they all get used to it. 8.5/10 Overall: 8/10 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

T-5: Striker (Upper Ranks: to ) reminder kids missile launchers are dangerous Right now, Striker’s a joke for me. I simply go around them and one-shot them with Hammer or Thunder, or find a way to tear down their morale with Firebird’s afterburn. But once the tables turn and I’m in a battle with Colonels and Generals, life gets a touch harder. Not only have most of the noobs been weeded out by Darwinian processes, you also have to deal with full Mk8 players with your measly Mk5. And one of those evil foes is Striker. Once they’ve ranked up past Major, every single Striker player seems to have downloaded the finger tricks that enable them to dodge every shot and the ability of being the first one to slam the Juggernaut (and four of his defendants) with a barrage of missiles. In every other mode, Strikers are manageable; but in Juggernaut (especially that stupid fun holiday Solo Juggernaut mode), floods of Strikers swarm you, and its a matter of time before you easily die. Isn’t being a high ranker hard? A U G Reviews Cyclone: Ever been chased by a swarm of bees? Well, try a swarm of missiles. It’s an improved version, so to speak. A lot faster, heat-seeking, and oh so much more painful. No, I don’t have any Striker missile ointment. Uranium: Nerfed once, nerfed twice, nerfed a million times but it keeps coming back, stronger than ever. Perhaps it’s the radioactivity in these new Striker missiles? No wait, that doesn’t make sense. Ratings: Ubiquity: Not that many people will realize how amazing Striker is until they hit the General ranks. 7/10 Versatility: Striker’s weakness is short range. But otherwise, it dominates the battlefield. 6.5/10 Damage: Imagine getting hit in the face with a deadly missile. Then multiply it by some more (depending on alterations) and then do some multiplication to get your final figure. Come on, it’s good for your brain to do some math in a while. 9/10 Special Factors: Striker’s got a way to target you perfectly, so unless you duck into a wall, you’re not avoiding it. Oh and did I mention it does some crazy splash damage? 9.25/10 Overall: 7.75/10 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

T-5: Firebird (Ranks: to ) burn baby burnnnnn In lower ranks, Firebird tends to dominate as a high DPS turret, wreaking all sorts of havoc over the map and capturing two or three flags while it’s doing its dirty work. Even the most noobish of Firebirds can be a real threat, which is what truly drives any regular player insane. They can rack up points so quickly and burn a group of enemies to shreds in seconds, make a few regular noob blunders, and still make it to the Top 3. It’s how I went through my Warrant Officer ranks. Take this scenario, for example: you’ve just bought a new Magnum and you’re excited to try it out. Heading into a Bobruisk CTF to show off your shiny new Mk4 while earning a few stars towards the new challenge. Of course, as someone who’s a bit new to finding cover, you don’t quite know where to park yourself. But eventually, the luck is in your favor, and you find yourself in a covert little corner, well shielded by teammates (including a point-hungry Isida!) and two walls. Three minutes later, you’re making your way to the top of the leaderboard, racking up kills with ease as you apply physics perfectly to every shot. It’s going well an- a jet of flame sears your tank, lighting it up bright red and instantaneously doubling the temperature of your tank. You press Z and X to turn your turret, but Magnum just swivels its barrels up and down. In a last-ditch effort, you fire one last mortar. But, of course, it’s no use. Alt- erm, Augment Discussion High-Pressure Pump: This economical alteration pumps up the piston pressure to give you a more focused spray that can do serious damage from across the map. In Island, of course, but maybe not in Barda. Still, that doesn’t stop you from getting an edge on the guy who’s running away with the enemy flag. Well, that is, until he decides to stop you with a mine. Compact Fuel Tanks: The typical middle-ranker Firebird Alteration, best served with a Mk5 or Mk6 and the drifty Hornet. Combined together and multiplied by four, they’re the perfect combination to burn you into a tasty piece of toast. Butter, anyone? Ratings: Ubiquity: The favored turret of lazy low-rank nublets like me, but it’s easily beaten in high ranks. 8/10 Versatility: Firebird has one setting. Melee. 3.5/10 Damage:...but what it lacks in range, Firebird makes up in damage. A few short seconds and you’re well done. 9.5/10 Special Factors: It’s got a knack for hitting multiple tanks with one breath of fire, which saves on reload and makes the afterburn much more annoying. 8.5/10 Overall: 7.75/10 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6: Shaft ahahahaha barely made the cut because you and I, Shaft, have had some very interesting experiences amirite Ah, Shaft. Of course, it didn’t *quite* make the top five, but it was so close that I wanted to put it in. Some Shafts are quite incapacitated, while others are easily put down by the ice-cold stare of a tactful Freeze. But of course, I wouldn’t be labeling this as the turret that’s been causing me the sixth most trouble if I haven’t had a million and a half run-ins with a nasty Shaft that seems to be using me as its little moving target. I wouldn’t be writing this scenario if I hadn’t faced it myself. Here goes: Imagine that you’re just getting a game or two in on Tanki Online just to relax when you’re suddenly picked off among a gang of tankers and brutally sniped to death. You respawn, thinking it was just a coincidence. But after the third straight kill, you start to doubt it. Who’s killing you? You frantically check the battle log and locate a name. Impulsively, you ask him to stop politely. He, of course, replies “ahahahaha no” and continues to target you. You fire return shots hard and fast, but he always has the upper hand. Getting closer while keeping some decent cover, you’re reaching your goal, landing solid shots while dodging his arcades, trying to wear him down, knowing that the close range brings you advantage over his long-range turret. After a few more shots, he should be dead. I mean, he has to die eventually, right? He’s a Wasp, not some Mammoth with an Isida hiding behind him! Trepidatiously, you circle around his cover covertly, park right behind him, and take a solid shot, hoping this is the one that will finally sink him. The impact almost blows you back, so you know you’ve given your all in this shot. But after the dust fades, he’s still standing. No way! He’s still alive and well, which seems to defy common logic, and he’s got his eye on you. Running won’t do any help, so you go for the closest barrier to shield in, waiting for him to enter your trap. But he just rushes by nonchalantly, and of course, curiosity arises. Why isn’t he shooting you? As you start to back out of the corner, a deafening explosion blasts you up into the sky, into heaven. And for once, you’re glad to be there, away from this bothersome pest for a few seconds before you head back to be slaughtered again. A Short Talk About Shaft's Augments Short-Band Emitter: Well, even Smoky players say this: a Shaft can easily outflank them in a one-on-one shot to arcade fight. Well, sweet defeat now comes with an extra side of humiliation. Rapid-Fire Mode: Don’t underestimate this Shaft. With Rapid-Fire Mode you finally get to stop worrying about the annoying little laser following you. Instead, you have to keep your eye out for a Shaft pecking away hitpoints from you, which is tons harder than playing dodgeball with the laser. Without the giveaway laser to help you (and find the bothersome perpetrator), he can take you down with a few quick clicks of the keyboard. Can you return that? Light Capacitors: This alteration seems quite harmless to the inexperienced noob like me. After all, it’s got significantly less damage, so you’re in luck. Then you just happen to be running towards the enemy base and notice a laser on your back. You’ve got about a second or two to react, from what you remember, but not now. He’ll make it a friendly game of laser tag for you. Game on! Ratings: Ubiquity: Probably around two or three Shafts per game. We’ll put that as a 6.5/10 Versatility: I mean, while Shaft can do some serious damage from mid-range and across the map, its short-distance combat doesn’t quite match up to a Firebird’s sheer 5 000 000 damage per second. Of course, it can take out a Smoky at this range, but only if it’s lucky. 5.75/10 Damage: Shaft deals immense damage in a shot. Enough to take out a Mammoth. 9.5/10 Special Factors: The slower reload is the price to pay for Shaft’s high damage, but it still has a good amount of impact force, which can be useful. 8/10 Overall: 7.75/10 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh waw, so we Newspaper Reporters can be ignored? r00d ?

You've just bought something stupid with your crystals. Now what? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Well, it's time to beg Customer Service to bring it back! Just take a look at the task below. Task: You've just earned a good pile of crystals. But while you're browsing the garage, your mouse seems to have a mind of its own; you click on something useless (*cough* Mammoth Mk3, Mines, Batteries, Miner Drone), and instead of cancelling the selection, you *accidentally* buy it! Now what? You need to petition the Tanki Customer Service to give you back your crystals. How? By writing the most believable and humourous story ever. Of course, this is a joke, if you do accidentally buy something, you cannot do something like this. You just live with it. If you're unsure what to write, check out this example: (sorry this one isn't the greatest, I wrote it in five minutes) Rules: 1. Enter with ONE account only. 2. No plagiarism. If you need to quote something, please put in quotes. 3. Keep your responses nice and short - 500 words maximum, please. 4. Enter your responses in this Google Form. Entries posted elsewhere will not be considered. Players found breaking these rules will be warned accordingly, and in severe cases, banned from future newspaper contests. Prizes: Entries will be judged on humor, grammar & spelling, and cohesiveness of the entry. First Place - 50 000 crystals + 10 Containers Second Place - 40 000 crystals + 7 Containers Third Place - 35 000 crystals + 5 Containers A consolation prize of 15 000 crystals will be given to any other deserving entries. Remember to turn in your entries before 12th February to be eligible to win these crystals. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Best of luck! Enjoy writing; I hope to see your stunningly convincing entries soon!

Actually, I updated the rules earlier, allowing multiple stories. But of course, one story is a bit more focused, which meant that those stories tended to win. If you had a running theme between multiple, it would also be easier. I hope you understand.

Definitely. I recommend you check this post to see. Happy reading!

As much as I would like to say that I learned a lot, that I am much more skilled, it is undoubtedly a lie. I am very much the noob that I always was. Still, amazing guide. ?

Uhm... the art of marriage? Wow, complicated. Do you want to get married?

Congrats to @Pout for becoming an event helper candidate! (Oh, and did you pass your designer candidacy? ? Congrats on that too)

Approved. Great work! I really enjoyed this story - it started off with a flood of emotion, then moved on to a wave of action, which really shows a lot of plot and character development. You have also added more description, but it would be nice to have even more of it. I can see a pretty vague picture of the scene; if it were described even better, with more side descriptions, I believe the reader can easily see a clear picture of exactly what you are writing about. About that, I hope to see more of it in future chapters. Keep up the productivity and top-notch writing! Edits: Minor Grammatical Edits

Roasting people was a pastime of one of my enemies. How does one roast?

Congrats to King of Impulse Tandem on winning MotS Tandem and achieving your goal of winning the Impulse Paint!

I eat eggs for breakfast and have chicken for dinner. Do you prefer chicken or eggs?