Other [Issue 63] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - April '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. We've got some juicy news to share with you this time, so listen up!

 

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New goldmine discovered: Rio players strike rich.
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Rio; a map which has some popularity in the lower ranks, and almost none in the higher ranks. However, these statistics are subject to change, being a new goldmine has been discovered under the Rio grounds!

 

It happened when a spectator was flying around with spectator mode, for no reason whatsoever, when he noticed a big "room" under the map. As he lowered his camera to see what it was, he stumbled upon a massive goldmine, and although moderators are on full alert, trying to keep tankers out of the goldmine to prevent an unbalanced game, players are still managing to sneak into the mine and obtain quite a few crystals before getting caught.

 

Of course, if caught, your account is blocked, so it isn't advised to take a peak at this extraordinary underground gold-fest, however, if you're daring enough for the task, and think you've got what it takes to sneak past those ferocious trolls (yup, mods are ugly), then go for it!

 

*The goldmine includes an infinite amount of gold boxes and crystals boxes, a special currency code-named <blue-gems>, amazing turrets and hulls, including M4s and XTs, and even the original Ricochet prototype!

 

 

Scientific research shows link between equipment and multism risk
By @Thekillerpenguin

Researchers at the Tanki Institute for Psychological Studies (TIPS) have discovered a ground breaking link between the equipment that a player uses and the incidence of the dreaded Multism condition that has plagued Tanki for so long. The disease previously puzzled scientists, as many causes were associated with Multism with no rhyme or rhythm. Figure 1 displays examples of prior data.

 

Fig.1: Examples of prior data. First graph was assembled from a data set of 1000 users, second graph was assembled from a data set of GoldRock and rommeltanki.

 

 

The team responsible for the recent discovery included famous figures such as Semyon Kirov, Albert Einstein, and Donald J. Trump. Their methodology was complex, necessitating hours upon hours of hard labor, computing power, and lethal doses of caffeine. They first pulled raw data from profiles on the Tanki server of every single player in the game, filtered out the inactive users, and then ran the results through a complex algorithm designed to process the data and calculate the mult score of every inputted player. While similar processes have been used in the past to analyze and diagnose Multism, this was the first concerted effort to use computers for the analysis. Previously, analysis was delegated to janitors and homeless people at TIPS headquarters in 18 hour shifts. The research team believes that computer analysis is a slight improvement over traditional methods and should be considered for future projects.

The results of the project indicated that players with high amounts of time spent on Mammoth-Isida and M0 combinations of all types are very likely to suffer from Multism or develop Multism in the future. Figure 2 displays the data collected from players Warrant Officer 5 and above.

 

 

 

Research spokesperson Donald J. Trump, when asked for comment on the significance of the discovery, said the following. "It's really incredible, bigly incredible. People are saying that it's the most incredible thing that has ever happened. I don't know if that's true, but you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Just incredible. So many mults in Tanki ignored by the FAKE NEWS mainstream media- SAD! I know this because I have a big brain and I've said a lot of things, truly tremendous things. And Crooked Hillary- she doesn't care about this. Doesn't care. She's in the pockets of Big Multishness. She doesn't care about it. But I do. I would build a wall, a bigly wall to keep the mults out. We don't want mults- people are saying that they don't want mults in Tanki. I know that there are mults in Tanki, and I have the best solution. I will Make Tanki Great Again!"

 

What does this study spell for the average player? One can estimate a baseline Multishness level by determining where on the spectrum that their preferred combination lands on. Other factors can and will influence one's overall Multishness level and by extension the severity of one's Multism, so take those into account. If you experience elevated levels of Multishness, please check into the TIPS for further experimentation analysis and treatment. If your Multishness level is equal to infinity, please report to EN Reporter HQ for immediate recruitment.

 

 

Real life famous figures join TO
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Have you ever dreamed of meeting your superstar crush in real life? I have, it didn't end well. But, have you ever dreamed of meeting your superstar crush on Tanki, your favorite game of all time? Yea, mean either. But that's okay, because boy have I got some news for you!

 

Famous figures, male and female, have joined Tankiverse. Of course, I, using my incredible stalking skills, managed to pinpoint quite a handful of these stars' nicknames. However, due to inconvenient difficulties, I can't tell you that Kanye West's nickname is Mr.iThink_iGod, and that Kim K.'s nickname is Mrs.I think_iGod, and that Justin Bieber's is iAmTheCoolestLivingThingInTheUniverse_iGod, and more.

 

Of course, being these guys just joined our game, they're quite nug-ish, so, if you happen to stumble upon a very bad player with the name MakeTankiGreatAgain, don't poke fun of him, because if you do, you're social security number may end up on his Twitter feed.

 

 

Minehunt in Lost Temple accidentally yields glimpses of El Dorado
By @TriNitroToIuene

 

Mr. Bumble Klutz, an unsuspecting tank simply enjoying his regular minehunt, has made one of the most astounding discoveries in Tanki Online History - the lost city of gold, El Dorado. Mr. Klutz describes his experience as 'one which amazed and marveled me as to how there could be so much gold stacked in one place.' How exactly did our dear friend stumble upon the treasure? "I was trying to detonate this trickily placed mine," he said, "and then when I was trying to get my Rico recoil to steady me, I tipped over.... and fell into a secret room!" Though many critics have labeled this story false, Bumble has staunchly sworn by his story despite an ominous lack of photographic or video evidence. "I mean, it was a minehunt!" he says. "Safety reasons, you know."

 

An independent team is leading an expedition to Lost Temple as we report this right now, and it is set to be the biggest excavation in Tanki's timeline. Armed with metal detectors, drillers and cheat engines, this team plans to spend three months at Lost Temple, digging - all based on the word of a single tanker. "It's real, I say! There's this secret room at Lost Temple right by the western boundary, and there are stacks and stacks of precious stones! All blue!"

 

Wait. Blue?

 

The Dictator has come to the conclusion that Mr. Bumble, rather than El Dorado, probably stumbled upon TO's hidden stash of crystal boxes; hidden by the developers after the Crystal Box removal update in order to ensure nobody manages to get their hands on those. As per reports, over three million crystal boxes, including the ones worth 100 crystals, were rendered useless, and the value of one crystal box in the black market now would far transcend that of a hundred thousand gold boxes. Bumble Klutz has no idea what he just missed, and he should have had the sense to grab a few and make a hasty exit. Meanwhile, we at The Dictator HQ are placing bets on how fast Lost Temple tourism will surge now.

 

 

Tanker begins campaign to stop discrimination against newbies
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Dr_LegoMaster2017 is very passionate about his new campaign, which raises awareness to stop discrimination against newbies (more commonly known as noobs). He's held quite a few public rallies, where he took questions from various reporters from different newspapers. I knew I couldn't miss this amazing event, so I packed my bags, jumped on a plane, took three roller coasters and a magic school bus, and got to the rally just in time to get a few answers from LegoMaster.

 

"Why do you think you could be the one to turn everything around? What's your plan, and more importantly, why do you think noobs should be treated differently?"

 

"First of all, Mr. Rabin, it's 'newbies', not 'noobs'. Secondly, I know I can be the one to stop this catastrophic situation because I had a dream! I had a dream I was eating a marshmallow and sugarcane sandwich in the local park, when a newbie came to me. He was weeping silently, blood dripping from his nose. When I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to a group of early teens, whom I assumed were all Legends. They walked off, laughing and exchanging foolish impressions of the young newbie. That is why, my friend, I am fit to be standing before this crowd, spreading my feelings for these innocent youngsters."

 

He went on to explain how he had gone through intense cyber bullying as a kid himself, and it let him to a wrong path. He said, that although he managed to get his life fixed up, not everyone can, and those who can't deserve better.

 

All in all, we can all take and learn something from this situation; don't mess with the worst.

 

 

Notorious vampire hunted down and killed
By @mydoom.exe

 

The infamous vampire "Isida von Goldpls" has finally succumbed to the brave anti-undead team known only as the "Developers".

 

The fearsome creature of the night has been known throughout the EN, DE, and RU villages as one who took the life forces of innocent tanks for itself. If age-old legends from said villages are to be believed, Isida has originated 400 years ago, in the year 2009. Apparently, Isida von Goldpls was, at first, a mystic healer, with great capacity to heal both himself and others. However, he soon forsook those abilities in favour of darker arts - the power to suck away energy from his victims' life forces. It is told that von Goldpls was the very first vampire from that day, and since then, many duplicates and disciples have popped up, terrorizing the villages of EN, DE, and RU. That is where the Developers came in, deploying multiple other weapons to the villages to defend themselves. The power of lightning, fire, air, water, and earth were harnessed, and from those elements, every Tanki weapon came into existence, each serving the purpose of defending against the noxious creatures of nightmares. Many fell on both sides, but each for naught - Isida von Goldpls was still out of the grasp of the Developers, and was far more powerful than the weapons of the villagers.

 

Until yesterday, the 15th of February. Isida von Goldpls was finally vanquished by the Developers. Without their leader, all of the lookalikes and minions vanished into thin air, possibly never to be seen again. How was Isida killed, and who did it? A member of the Developers has kindly offered to give us a firsthand account of what happened, on the condition that she remain anonymous:

 

"Well, our team was simply unable to get rid of Isida von Goldpls for a long time now. We tried using a weapon that has worked for numerous other heinous villains, foremost among them Shaft Noobnub - the Nerf. Essentially, we focus the ray of the Nerf on said villain and once it is fully charged, we open fire. The Nerf Gun doesn't outright kill them, but it weakens whoever we attacked to such an extent that we can capture them. From there, we can learn how to ensure that this type of menace never occurs again by studying their biological features. However, this unfortunately didn't work on Isida, and so were forced to try out an experimental new weapon - an adaptation of the Nerf we call the Killjoy. It's called that because it kills joy. Pure and simple.

 

Anyways, we managed to track down Isida von Goldpls to his secret mountain lair at the Northernmost cliff of Mount Semyon in Cave #9, located at the border of the DE and RU villages. Once there, we decided that the best way to keep Tankers from turning into vampires was to kill off their leader once and for all. So we turned up the Killjoy to 11/10 on the scale and opened fire. Well, we did it, we finally killed Isida."

 

 

And that is all on this fresh report from The Dictator.

 

 

Russian hackers stomp through maps with super-mechs
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Things are getting pretty crazy cool at Tanki lately. There's mean a group of Russian hackers who, within only a few hours, managed to get access to the game code and implement their own super mechs. They proceeded to join battles with these mechs the size of the average TO building. They were practically indestructible.

 

There were three players, each with their own specialized mechs. The first player, named Hacker_RU_01, had a red, fire-styled mech. Anyone who even touched it began burning HP quickly, and would die seconds later. The turret for this particular mech was located inside the mouth of the mech. When shooting, it breathed fire up to 50 times larger than Firebird's flames. It destroyed even a Mammoth M4 almost instantly.

 

The second hacker, named Hacker_RU_02, used a stainless steel mech, with yellow designs splattered around it. He actually had to two Striker turrets, which were located on his arms. They were a whooping 30 times bigger than the ordinary Striker turret, and when he fired, rockets the length of three Titans shot out. These rockets not only tore apart anyone it hit, but had a horrific splash damage affect, which was about the size of Sandbox.

 

The third and final hacker, obviously named Hacker_RU_03, had a Freeze styled mech. With blue and white designs, with ice blocks randomly displayed around his mech, he stomped the map, stepping on retreating tanks, flattening them without a care. He a gigantic freeze ray gun, which he held in his gigantic hand. When he fired, it shot out ice pellets which flew up to fifty feet away.

 

Of course, being Tanki doesn't want gigantic mechs wrecking their game, regardless of how awesome it is, they've challenged the hacks to a duel with Godmode_ON. If Godmode won, the hackers would have to leave the game. The hackers accepted and the steel mech took up the duel. Without even a wince, he fired a single rocket to the Sandbox ground and blew up the entire map.

 

It is still undecided as what to do with these hackers, so enjoy admiring the super jumbo mechs while you can.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017

 

 

Edited June 20, 2017 by Hexed

[Boeing_787 1,455]

Why does @GoldRock get teased in the newspaper so often as a mult? Is there some kind of meme?

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Why does @GoldRock get teased in the newspaper so often as a mult? Is there some kind of meme?

You, my friend, have a lot of catching up to do.  :lol:

[Boeing_787 1,455]

You, my friend, have a lot of catching up to do. :lol:

Would you please help? :d

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Would you please help? :D

Reporters strangely always seem to gravitate towards the word "mult." Also, they stole our Wiki Editor's paints because they are mults.  :ph34r:

Edited April 8, 2017 by Marc

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Reporters strangely always seem to gravitate towards the word "mult." Also, they stole our Wiki Editor's paints because they are mults.  :ph34r:

Yes we are, and proud of it.

 

Goldrock was the one true mult pioneer, and so we revere him daily. The "mult" nickname is not an insult to us anymore, it is a compliment bestowed to only the best of us.

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Yes we are, and proud of it.

 

Goldrock was the one true mult pioneer, and so we revere him daily. The "mult" nickname is not an insult to us anymore, it is a compliment bestowed to only the best of us.

Us peasants will never understand your aristocratic ways. :c

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Why does @GoldRock get teased in the newspaper so often as a mult? Is there some kind of meme?

He is a molt, not a mult. Saying mult is moltish.

 

GoldRock is a molt.

 

He'll agree if you ask him.

 

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About what Marc said... Yes, I agree, reporters have got to find a new word besides molt. However, keep in mind there aren't many words you can use which aren't against the rules but still classify as "offensive". Nerd? Dimwit? Bigtimerush_bry? These names just don't have the same ring to them.

 

Molt.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin
banananananannananananana

[Ninja 10,468]

Just some freaking noob named Bigtimerush_bry?

Edited April 16, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin
"Bry claims innocence" Bry cried. "Idrc" Rabin replied.

[NERF836 202]

They focused the ray of me to kill Isida the turret that I use?

[MJROCKS05 428]

Now that our Supreme leader Kim Jon ehm, Isida von Goldpls  has perished I think im gonna have to disguise myself as a twin axe wielding viking and blend into my surroundings

 

 

(Uses leftover vampire magic) You did not read or see this, your mind is blank... Now sleep my child, sleep forever mwahahaha

 

 

[3pro5you 5]

I think I am the only one here who got the limit joke :D