Going to ask my aunt to give me my Easter crystal present early this year so I can quell the inexpressible desire to have this paaaaaaaaint!!! :wub:

You have got to be kidding me.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. I tend to run everytanki off (and I do mean everytanki) when I enter a Deathmatch and fling tanks around with my trusty Twins, so this will let me get that massive battlefund without waiting thirty minutes. So happy to see this. In fact... *sniff*... is this a tear? Oh, my goodness.... :wub:

Uh, why are you bumping this? The question is a little tough to answer to begin with, but I'm pretty sure it has been answered as best as possible. Though I will say that Berlin CTFs have been rather numerous lately at my rank.

AGH! How did this happen?! 0.

Gnat. I said zero!

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If that's the case, then very well. I take back my downvote. But the way it is worded, I am led to think that he meant you must lose sometimes in order to have fun, which is complete bologna. Or is that balooney? Hmm....

I've read this three times, and I still can't see what you are saying besides "In order to have fun, you must lose sometimes." That's what the last two paragraphs seem to indicate ("that important missing ingredient to my gameplay was - 'the feeling of losing' "). Because, as we all know, losing is sooooo much fun. In which case, may I present you with a well-earned downvote.

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They aren't suppressing your opinion, you are creating topics that do not follow the forum rules, so they must be removed. If you want them to stop removing your topics, try creating one that is actually beneficial.

Hold onto your Hammers, tanker! Time in Tankionline is flying by like a Wasp that’s late for jury duty! Here to keep you up to speed is none other than me, loveable, furry old Stratus, and my unstoppable army of pencils. Let’s take ourselves a gander at the action-packed two weeks since last issue: Lhamster’s reign as 3vil Dictator has been overthrown… by me! Thursday saw the long-awaited end of The Hamster of Doom’s terrifying world domination, and yes, I am accepting thank-you gifts. After nearly thirteen bazillion years in power, the Fuzzy Administrator met his end late on a cold, rainy evening when none other than yours truly laid siege to his nigh-impenetrable fortress atop Mount Squeak. No one else in history (well, except for Maddog21) has ever attempted such a daring frontal attack, for fear of being captured and tickled to death (which explains why said Dog21 has been so scarce as of late). I, however, having all to gain and none to lose, bravely fought back against the scores of hamster minions that poured cannonfire from the castle walls. Mere minutes after I began the siege, Lhamster was wailing in agony. “I HAVEN’T EATEN IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!” He demanded that his minions break through my siege and go loot the local Walmart’s candy section, but they couldn’t pass my magic antihamster force field. And so, after the shortest siege in history, Lhamster surrendered his throne to me and made a beeline for the nearest Chick-fil-A. Stay tuned for more on this bombshell story when I take a break from playing on my new giant hamster wheel. Night-Sisters to finish her Pathological series with “The Pathological Sneezer” Does anyone have a Kleenex handy? Tankiforum’s Sith legend Asajj Ventress will be closing the book on pathological stuff in the next issue, wherein she will pen a guide to getting others sick by sneezing upon them. Included in the guide will be a valuable set of resources to help the malicious tanker choose where and when to sneeze, as well as proper lack-of-sanitation techniques and substances to induce sneezing. There are a few people to whom this news is not welcome. Newspaper Admin conanthedestroyer said, in an interview Monday, "I think that this article by Night-Sisters is simply another one of the sneezing coalition’s attempts to suppress and hide the pathogenic power of coughing. I mean, honestly, there are at least eighty percent more people infected with athlete’s foot every year due to coughing than sneezing, and that’s something you never see in the mainstream media. There is an ongoing, focused effort to discredit those who wield their lungs as weapons and place an undeserved limelight over those who use their noses." We will be bringing you more on this after, uh… eh… ACHOO! Alternativa Platform to merge with the Hershey Company Welcome, my Tanki comrades, to the era of the Tasty Tanker. Tankionline and chocolate fans all across the galaxy were stunned by the announcement made by Hershey CEO John Bilbrey yesterday morning on Fox And Friends: "We have been discussing this merger for a little while, Semyon and I, mostly ‘cause we were in Algebra class together back in college, and we got to thinking “Hey, wouldn’t it be much easier if we just mushed the companies into one? Like, how neat would that be?” Critics have been quick to point out glaring problems with this move. For starters, there is absolutely no reason for a candy-making corporation to merge with a video game company. I mean, really, where did they get that idea? Mars? Oh, gosh, that was a bad joke… my apologies to everytanki. Has anyone seen Murphy anywhere? To anyone who has, at any time, been in contact with Murphy, please call your local Missing Murphies Hotline as soon as possible. The man has now been missing for over a week, and his friends are worried about him. He is described as being a Hawaiian-born, Canadian-raised Irishman, about sixty seven years of age, three and a half feet tall, weighing roughly three hundred pounds, and he often carries a bicycle horn. Er, wait, that’s Thekillerpenguin’s description… well, anyway, if you see him anywhere, be sure to tell him I said "hi."

Very well done. I will send you a bouquet of Everfree Pouf Marigolds as a token of my respect.

(bows)

*Wants to write something* *Finds something someone else wrote, changes a detail, and passes it off as his own.*

Ahem.

Huh. Why don't you go make your own browser game that fits all your vague and abstract needs, because this one is fitting ours. Now, if you have an ACTUAL IDEA that could improve the game, like... oh, I don't know... dynamic weather :wub: , then feel free to post that instead. This bit of silliness, however, is a waste.

Absolutely freaking nailed it. A theory of mine is that demonic activity may also be mistaken for "ghostly encounters".

History Aleksandrovsk was founded on February 30th, 1999 by Alexander the Great’s ghost, which arose from the ground due to a large party that had gathered atop his final resting place. There were lots of people eating, drinking, and having fun, so he resisted the urge to chase them all away and instead joined in the festivities. A lady approached him at the desert table and asked him what his name was. He had a giant blueberry muffin stuffed in his mouth, so he could only choke out “Aleksandrovsk.” She laughed, patted him on the back, and apologized for asking him a question when his mouth was full. Or, she would have patted his back, but he was a ghost, and her hand passed right through. With a scream of shock and terror, the woman started a stampede of party-goers that left the area ruined. Alex had one more muffin and returned to his grave. Two years later, the spot was rediscovered by Vladimir Beletskiy, who decided to build a town there. It is rumored that Alexander the Great’s ghost helped him decide on where to put the buildings so that none of them wound up on his grave. Deathmatch Best hulls, in order from most to least effective: 1. Wasp 2. Viking 3. Hunter 4. Hornet 5. Titan 6. Dictator 7. Mammoth Best turrets, in order from most to least effective: 1. Railgun 2. Thunder 3. Smoky 4. Ricochet 5. Firebird 6. Shaft 7. Twins 8. Vulcan 9. Hammer 10. Isida 11. Freeze Capture the Flag Best equipment to use, based on your role on the team: Flag runner: light or medium hull, especially Wasp, and short-mid range turret, especially Smoky or Firebird. Draft: medium hull, especially Hornet, and short-mid range turret, especially Twins and Isida Flag Guard: medium-heavy hull, especially Titan, and a mid-range turret, especially Ricochet and Twins. Rover: medium hull, especially Viking, and mid-long range gun, especially Thunder and Railgun. Best routes to take when taking the flag from: The red team The blue team Capture Point Best equipment to use, based on your role on the team: Capturers: light hull, especially Wasp and Hornet, with short-midrange turret, especially Twins and Firebird. Guards: medium hull, especially Viking, and midrange turret, especially Ricochet, Twins, and Smoky. CP mode in Aleksandrovsk is tough because there is only one point, and it’s tougher than Polygon because the map is large and makes you drive a mile before you can get to the point. Using a Wasp here will greatly reduce the time and frustration of getting around. When approaching the point, remember that there are four different routes to choose from: Team Deathmatch Aleksandrovsk is a great place to camp with a long-range turret and blast away at pedestrians. On the map below are the best places to camp: Goldhunting: Find that Drop Zone! NOTE: No matter the map or battle mode, you should always press the DELETE button as soon as you hear the Gold Box siren. You will have ten seconds to dart around, searching for the box’s drop zone. When you respawn, you will likely be dropped in wherever you haven’t already checked, and you will have all your supply cool-downs reset. Aleksandrovsk has gold drop zones everywhere, but your best bet is to make a beeline for the hill as soon as you hear the siren. If the zone isn’t up there, you will be able to see the box from afar as it is falling. A tip for duelists: When dueling at Aleksandrovsk, your biggest challenge will be finding your opponent. The map is loaded with obstacles, so seeing him before he sees you is a nerve-racking undertaking. You obviously shouldn’t drive down the open street, but you also shouldn’t go up onto the hill. It may seem like a safe place to hide, in among all the shrubs and buildings, but it is the first place your opponent will look for you because it is in the middle of the map. In fact, most of the duels on this map that I have participated in have ended with me winning. All I had to do was sit a distance away from the hill and snipe my opponent as he crossed it. The best places to camp during a duel are the purple regions on the TDM map above.

My friend Brass Knob and I have been best buddies for a long time. We’ve been through thick, thin, and slightly wrinkled together, having a good time and making memories that will keep us smiling for the rest of our lives. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’d do anything and go anywhere with ol’ Knob… Except onto the Tanki battlefield. Brass has been playing Tanki for as long as I have. He has been exposed to all the same gameplay advice, he’s had the same experiences, and he even bought himself a few hundred thousand crystals. The result? He is a stone cold, grade A, smell-him-from-a-mile-away loser. I’m sure that you, Brass Knob, are reading this. You always read the newsletter, especially when greyat publishes (which I suppose is why you always lose), so I know you’ll see this article and the advice I am about to dispense. My friend, you know I care as much as possible. I’m only telling you this to try to help you, first to realize that the way you play now is an embarrassment to everyone, and then how to fix it all. 1. Shut up I have been screaming and crying and begging for you to STOP TYPING PARAGRAPHS IN THE FREAKING CHAT BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE now for, well, ever since you figured out how to use it. I’m serious, if I knew the Goonshock hex, I would have cast it on you months ago to make you WANT to turn the chat off. Let me give you a quick review lesson of Tanki’s kindergarten-level gameplay basics: a. You are in control of a tank. b. Other players will shoot at your tank. You don’t want that to happen. c. You should move if they start shooting you, and you can’t do that if you are too busy typing “When did we become these sinking stones? When did we build this broken home? Holding each other like ransom notes, dropping our hearts to grip our brothers’ throats,” like you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING and like you DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE TANK THAT IS EXPLODING IN FRONT OF YOU! Pull your head out of your nether region, quit your stupid blabbering, remember why you are here, and play the game! I can understand if you are chirping to teammates about who’s hiding with the flag and where, or if you are greeting a friend who just dropped in, but when your D/L percentage is less than 0.50 and the chat box contains more of your mindless garbage than anything else, there is clearly something cooking in Denmark. You can converse with your friends in the public chat outside of battle. When you are playing the game, it’s less talki and more Tanki. Got it? Good. Next point: 2. Focus on the battle mode’s objective You can be as quiet as a clam and still be a curse to your team. I once saw you on the opposing team at Highways CTF, working as one of the team’s eight shaft-wielding snipers. My team won that battle 20-0 because we had no competition whatsoever. Sure, you guys mined the area and camped at the flag, but that doesn’t matter when you aren’t even considering trying to capture our flag. I know you could’ve done it if you had actually tried. You had an M2 Wasp, and most of my team members were still tiptoeing around in M0s. You could’ve walked off with an easy victory, but you were too busy sitting in your recliner, sipping a glass of cider and occasionally taking a shot at an enemy. If you want to sit like a pimple on a hog, then LOG OFF AND GO FIND A HOG. Do not inconvenience us with your dead weight and obstructive frame. You don’t contribute a thing to your team, and I just can’t express to you how close you have come to being reported and blocked for seemingly deliberate inactivity that helped the opposing team win. If you want to be as useful as a paper umbrella, do it in a Deathmatch, and preferably one in which I am playing so I can release months of pent-up frustration upon you. 3. Use your ten thousand supplies I never even realized that you are still bumfuddled when a green wrench flashes in the air over an enemy who didn’t just drive over a repair box. “What, is he a hacker?” you asked me via PM recently. For this, I must apologize. I take full responsibility for not explaining how the number buttons work. I remember how confused I was the first time I saw a Double Armor symbol appear over a tank that was nowhere near a drop zone. That happens because of pushing the number buttons. See that section of the keyboard that’s all the way to the right? That’s the number pad. By pressing the 1 button, you can repair your tank if it’s damaged. Press the 2 and 3 buttons to activate Double Armor and Damage, 4 to Speed Boost, and 5 to drop a mine. Simple, right? Now, if you use those buttons wisely and effectively, you might actually appear to not have been hiding in a closet when the skills were being given out. 4. Remember the crystals. Lately you have been moping around because of your tiny crystal wallet. You’ve tried contests, you’ve considered buying, and you’ve even asked me to lend you some from the treasures Tanki pays me (and to that I say for the millionth time that, not only is crystal transfer illegal, but TANKI DOESN’T PAY ME). While I think it’s a sad reason to play, I ask you to please consider the amount of crystals you are losing by not playing like you mean it. If you’d just make an effort to win, you would get the crystals you’ve been crying for. Use equipment that is suited for the map and mode you are playing, focus on the mode’s objective, and, FOR THE LOVE OF GALAXIA, TURN YOUR TURRET OR I WILL PULL IT OFF AND KNOCK YOU OVER THE CENTER FIELD FENCE! 5. Pay attention to spawning zones One mistake you always make is rolling blindly through a spawning area, where you are promptly ambushed and massacred. A spawning zone is where tanks pop out of thin air, so you are silly to just prance right into one. If there was a portal in your neighborhood out of which herds of Gengars were wont to emerge, you would not build your house in front of it. The same logic applies to Tanki. 6. Either play the game or leave Each of the flaws I have mentioned are severely hampering your success, but this final point is the thing that is literally destroying your Tanki experience: you just don’t seem to care. You stumble around without any apparent strategy or sense of direction, and every battle ends with you ranked along with the abandoned or lagged out tanks. Just watching you play is enough to put anyone to sleep. Why are you so apathetic? Did you not log in because you wanted to play? If you are going to nap, then turn off your computer and go to bed. * * * * * * * * While I have written this with Brass Knob in the forefront of my mind, I sincerely hope that the tankers with whom I play will please, please, PLEASE take a lesson from this, too. I know I am not a bad player, as I always top the leaderboards in every mode. Therefore, I know I am not the problem when, after a full three hours of searching for a good battle, I am left with nothing more than a headache and a nagging feeling that I am outgrowing Tanki’s public battles.

You people are honestly worried about ghosts? What about Hydras, Ursas, Gem Dogs, Minotaurs, Dragons, dark wizards, greyat, and other more dangerous stuff? Ah, and let's not forget about Murphy. He's the most dangerous of all.

Who's "we"? Are you one of the astronomers who are finding the planets? :huh: :P

Not sure what this religious-sounding word is... "evolution", but the rest of the post gets ten upvotes from me.

Do humans habitually kill each other with smartphones? :huh:

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