Other [Issue 67] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - September '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. After a well-deserved break, we're finally back with the latest real news.

 

 

Administration Strikes Back - Loose Rabbit Is Finally Caged
By @Flexoo

 

The Dictator, GoldBrick's precious legacy, was a traditional journal column that kept the audience regularly informed about the latest and finest news happening in the community. Surprisingly, the column was cancelled at the zenith of its fame and the original founder took a turn to the ranks of admin oppressors that were driven by the blind fate of world domination. It was much to our delight when a certain redactor operating under a pseudonym Yisroel.Rabbit dusted off the beloved column.

However, after a couple of successful editions, we came to know that Yistroell started to publish less accurate, borderline gossip, information to raise the view count such as the "Dorito in the Kungur Sky" segment (when in fact, the only thing you can see in Kungur is the grand cheese ball as it can be seen on picture evidence below),

 

 

or the blatant lie he posted months back that the administration was on honeymoon while in fact we were collecting resources in Africa for the new Zimbabwean newspaper.

 

Based on these trespasses among many other, it was decided to send the main editor to a Newspaper diversion program. Forcing him to go was by no means an easy task. The sleek rabbit skillfully used any office crevice that would be a tight fit even for the likes of Fen to delay the inevitable. At the end, we finally managed to hunt down this noxious animal and put it behind bars.

 

 

One question remains unanswered, though. What will happen to The Dictator? @Vikingsrallentando and @Viking4s proposed an idea to transform The Dictator to a talk show with secondary title "The Vik and Viking talk show", the title that will once and for all determine who from the duo will use the acronym Viking in the Newspaper office. @tweezers instantly countered this proposal with his own idea of car magazine. Others suggested a brand new digital media that would cover the hottest real life topics like "The misadventures of the Paul brothers" or "Why Viners should have been blocked from YouTube in 2016". We haven't made a final decision. Stay tuned to find out in October.

 

 

How Yisroel.Rabin really got Helper of the Month

By Anonymous Tanker

 

Last month, @Yisroel.Rabin got the Helper of the Month award. Everyone was astonished as to how he managed to obtain such an award with doing little to no work at all. In fact, Yisroel was always viewed as the least helping helper, never the most!

 

I spoke with our Newspaper Administrator, @Flexoo about the issue. Here's what he had to say.

 

"Yes. I'm trying to keep it all hushed up. Cedric just told me to do it. He sounded afraid when he told me. He said I should ask no questions and simply award him HOTM... I don't know why he gave me such a command, although I'd like to suspect it was Yisroel's doing. Cedric told me not to mess with him, and treat him like I always have. I can't fire him, but he suddenly feels like a threat to the whole of Tanki. I don't know what he's up to, but it can't be good.

 

Sorry, that's all I know."

 

Very strange, very strange indeed. I've began investigating Yisroel's whereabouts since my conversation with Flexoo. He's been acting strange lately. Sometimes he's suddenly disappear from Skype and go away for a few hours. One night I followed him. He went to Factory. The next night I set up cameras and lo behind in case he shows up again.

 

 

I watched for three hours, he didn't budge. He made odd sounds. Un-earthly sounds which I've never heard before. He seemed to be waiting. Suddenly, my camera went crazy and shut down. He turned around and shot towards me. I dodged and ran away as fast as I could. When I thought I was at a safe distance I turned around to look back. A gigantic U.F.O. hovered over Yisroel's area. Everything went bright for a second, and when the brightness faded, Yisroel was gone, along with the space craft.

 

I don't know what Yisroel's up to, but it isn't safe. I have gone into hiding, I'm no longer safe.

 

 

Godmode_ON's comment found in the forum; could the beast be coming back?

By @Hexed

 

In other news, we have made an discovery so exciting, it could change the shape of the entire community. We'll hand over the mic to our correspondent in Game Discussion, @Hexed.

 

Hi Hexed! Please tell us more about the eye-opening discovery you just made minutes ago? How do you feel?

 

Hello John, I feel quite amazing to be honest - discovering things like this only happens once in a life time. You viewers must now be jumping on your couches, desperate to see what the discovery actually is. Well, open the spoiler and on you go!

 

So, wondering what it is?

Read the title?

Hmm, something related to Godmode_ON?

You're correct! It is a highly confidential, leaked post of Godmode_ON!

 

 

Reporters suffer from amnesia after Magnum shell hits offices

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Many of our reporters have suffered a  severe amnesia - the phenomenon where a person suddenly forgets something... So basically me on every test I've ever taken. This dramatic disturbance in the balance occurred when a Magnum shell hit the EN Reporters' HQ with full force. Experts who have looked at the blast site said it must've been from an M4 Magnum on 99% power, and aim at around 35°. So, if we calculate that (which I didn't), you can guess that the attacker was about 20 meters away, as shown in this homemade diagram.

 

 

The funny thing is, guess who lives 20 meters away from the EN Reporters' HQ? Yes, forum moderator and thinks-he's-cooler-than everyone, @Maf! After a long interrogation on Maf, we got him to open up.

 

 

We're currently looking into rebuilding the EN Reporters' HQ into something a lot cooler, getting medical help for our newspaper reporters who've been affected by this attack, and looking into Maf's mental state. We're sure to get back to you in the next issue on how this story progresses.

 

 

The Real Truth Behind The Summer Break - Revenge of the Sith

By @stanzhang

 

You may have read this announcement when Issue 66 published: Newspaper Issues Take a Break This August. You may wonder why? However, after reading the Newspaper, why does it stop after Issue 66? Coincidence? I don't think so. Exactly, it looks strangely like the Order 66 in Star Wars Episode III. On the instant when the Emperor Flexoo executed the Issue 66, all reporters were exterminated by the Clones also known as Flexbots. Every member of the reporter team is dead, I along with two Vikings are the only survivors. The Vikings are currently hiding in a mysterious jungle named Dagobah and gave no news since. All of this was an evil plan prepared months in advance by The Emperor Flexoo and his apprentice Dark Beaku. You now know why Beaku turned to the dark side and went to TX with a role of administrator to rule the new Forum. They created Flexbots that controlled dead reporters accounts to write at their place, in order to hide their plans from the readers. Those bots weren't ready to deploy in August, that's why they extended the next Newspaper release over to September.

 

I can sense that the Force is strong with you, find those Master Vikings on Dagobah, they will teach you how to master The Force, find them and you will learn the secrets of journalism. Few of you guys may complete the training and become Master Reporters. If not, join the rebellion and fight on our side!

 

Help us, readers; you are our only hope.

 

Please read this before it gets caught and deleted by the Emperor Flexoo!

 

Beaku turned to the dark side

 

We can clearly see the resemblance between them

 

 

Hexed found hexed

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

*Listen to this while reading*

 

We take this moment and opportunity to remember the warm memories we all share of Hexed. He was tragically found hexed yesterday in the factory, where his last battle was said to be fought, his tank covered in oil spills and graphic images alike. Tanki noobaligists suggest he was hexed about three hours before he was found.

 

Legend never die, they self-destruct. Hexed was a heroic and noble simpleton; never held a grudge against anyone. He was cheerful guy, always made us laugh, never made us cry. His soul travels up to the heavenly skyboxes, where he shall dwell for eternity. His loss will greatly affect us all on many levels.

 

Today we stand in unison as to commemorate the memory of Hexed. He was horrifically taken from our presence by an evil wizard by the name of GoldRo— Uh, I mean The-Rock-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. We stand strong with the loss of a friend, because with every loss we become stronger, higher, and ever-more vigilant.

 

We, the newspaper team, has put together a special memorial in honor of Hexed. We present to you, fellow readers and even people scrolling through this without even reading it just to write "nice" and hold the place of 'first comment', the almighty Hexed Memorial!

 

 

 

 

 

Leaks show where your crystals really go after you spend them
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Have you ever wondered what the deal is with crystals? By that I mean, have you ever wondered where all those heaps of crystals go after you buy a garage item or change a mission? Well, new leaks from TofuLeaks show that the developers have "ever-so-randomly" earned a whopping four millions crystals in the past week. Rumors have spread that every crystal is not a mere virtual currency, but actually goes straight to the developers after they're used.

 

Later leaked video footage shows Hazel partying at AlternativaPlatform, wearing gold chains and all the latest Jake Paul merchandise. Although Hazel denies ever even being slightly interested in Jake Paul, the video shows Hazel's true colors at last.

 

Dr. Noymes Vorik, a former worker for Tanki Online, was recording admitting that the currency is scam created only for the benefit of the workers at TO, and was later recorded saying he, during his time at TO, used his money on stylish haircuts.

 

Other parties benefiting from the currency are the Administrators. As we all know, reporters get paid in teddy bears and chocolate milk shakes, however, the reporters' Administrators, as well as Administrators of other groups, get paid in a share in the benefit of this scam of a currency called crystals. Reporter Administrator @Flexoo's tax returns are substantial evidence of this. Papers show that Flexoo has spent over 20 million dollars in new paintjobs and arm replacements, and has bought an estimated four thousand cans of WD-40.

 

More info can be found here. *insert link to something*

 

 

Cedric resigns to become a full time CNN reporter

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

 

Nuff' said.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

 

[lukey0 27,543]

Great as usual! 

[Destrod 2,634]

*slow clap* amazing as usual yis.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Team 10 :rolleyes:

So Cedric has decided to quit his job to join.... the paparazzi *gasps*

[WoundedWarrior 302]

Love it!! 

I'm really loving the Hexed Memorial. I think it really fits him!!  :P

And for some reason, Godmode_ON still doesn't have a profile... :ph34r:

[Magenta 5,165]

Team 10 :rolleyes:

So Cedric has decided to quit his job to join.... the paparazzi *gasps*

Were you waiting for The Dictator to release so you could get the news? So this is indeed the finest news source for you?!?! *paparazzi double gasps*

[Seek_and_Destroy 38]

Wow you guys are great. Im planning on becoming a reporter soon. I just wish more people would read this awesome column.

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Wow you guys are great. Im planning on becoming a reporter soon. I just wish more people would read this awesome column.

Same here. :V

[Absolute_Sword 0]

lol i don't think you're allowed to include the CNN post since its Copyrighted and all

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

lol i don't think you're allowed to include the CNN post since its Copyrighted and all

What CNN doesn't know can't hurt them.