Other [Issue 68] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - October '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. We've got some pretty hot new topics to cover this month, so let's dive right into it!

 

 

Tanker claims he was attacked by aliens in Barda 
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Strange news coming out Barda last Wednesday night. A tanker was found seemingly dead by a couple of elementary tankers, driving home from a late night shooting practice (those noobs got to learn to shoot someway or another). They saw a dead tank, but it wasn't re-spawning, so they went to check it out. The engine was still running, so the tank must've been unconscious (I don't really understand how that works myself, but whatever).

 

The young tankers called Medical Unit of Liberal Tanki (M.U.L.T.), and almost instantly 5 M3 Hunters from the Medical Unit showed up, sirens blaring and everything. The tanker was brought to the hospital located in south Kunger, where he eventually gained consciousness.

 

Upon awakening, news reporters from all different communities piled up at the door begging for a question or two to at to their newspaper. But I don't use doors. I use windows.

 

I climbed into the tankers room through the windows, and greeted him like any tank should after abruptly climbing through your window. After greeting the tanker and finishing the smalltalk, I got to the big question; who are you, and what happened?

 

"Well, my name is RabinIsBae, and well, I'm not exactly sure. It all started when I was driving home. I work as a security guard at a local parkour stadium, and they were having some sort of rally, so I was there late. Upon driving home, the sky lit up. At first I thought it was lightning, but then I saw it clearly wasn't. A huge UFO appeared over my head. Before I knew it, the thing zapped me with some laser and I suddenly appeared inside the UFO.

 

Standing in front of me was something that looked as scary and powerful as an Isida M4 after the update. I couldn't move, I was stuck out of fear. The thing introduced itself as a being from a place called Gallery. He said he's been trapped there for over two years, and only yet managed to escape the dark realm of Gallery. He seemed very mad about being trapped in a deserted realm with no one but a noob minion army to bring him cake every five minutes. He said as revenge for this wrongdoing, he'll be sending dark viruses in drop boxes. After that, my mind is blank. I think I remember him zapping me with a dark goop-gun, which made my memory go weary and made me lose consciousness. I guess after that he dropped me in Barda."

 

Me, being the complete gentleman I am, thanked RabinIsBae (for the information AND choosing such a fabulous nickname), bribed him to tell anyone else who comes a false story about how he lost consciousness after taking too many Double Damages in a hope to become 100 times stronger, and left straight through the window I came through.

 

But in summary, an alien kidnapped a tanker to express his feelings and to let him know not to pick up bonus boxes anymore. Developers are looking into any potential viruses, and will do their best (and by that, I mean they will secretly watch Anime on a separate tab and pound Gatorade) to block any of those viruses.

 

 

Is president of the Tanki Forum, Yisroel.Rabin, and his MTGA movement responsible for the sudden departure of Cedric Debono?

By @Destrod

 

Tanki conspiracy theorists have jumped upon an inevitable yet surprising theory: Did the emergence of the new TO Forum President cause Cedric Debono to go Cedric Debyebye? If we pile together the evidence, nothing can be achieved, because we don't have any evidence if someone is determined enough, he/she can relate anything to anything, without being questioned. Yisroel's appearance however, has a great deal of irony involved, since the CM had vowed to remove the cursed rituals of multhood from the community. Perhaps a carefully thought out strategy could save the forum president from imminent doom? Let us go through the condition of multhood:

 

'I shall dub thee with the honorary status of Lord Mult, but thou must comply to thine condition.

 

Thou art an honorary mult if thee works as a Reporter, if thou art not a reporter, walk back to yonder doorway.'

 

Yisroel has worked for the Reporter team since the beginning of Issue 59 time, therefore, there is no doubt that he is indeed an honorary mult. But can he put his CM at risk to save his own skin? Of course he can, but we will just say that he can't, because modesty forbids. It is not only his job at risk here, its all of ours too, since we comply to the holy condition of multhood. If Cedric's plan had been implemented, we would have become freed from this curse lost our jobs. The matter still remains a mystery, although the press still believe Yisroel to be the mastermind, after a very nervous interview held at the forum president's house:

 

'What do you have to say about these accusations?'

 

'Please I have children - don't let them take me to jail.'

 

'Calm down sir, we are not taking you to ja- So you confess?'

 

'Oh would you look at the time, my cake is almost done, you'll have to excuse me sir, goodbye.'

 

And he disappeared, probably to hide in a room the press doesn't know about. The thing that confused the investigators, is that there was not a trace of a baking oven in his apartment. Most believe that he is the culprit, some say that he was talking about pancakes which do not require an oven. 

 

And now his fate rests on the community. The absence of the CM could be entirely a co-incidence, or is it?

 

 

 

Strips of Godmode_ON's paint found in the wilderness and examined thoroughly
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

While on a camping trip late last week with my cardboard wife and the rest of my cardboard family, I stumbled upon a rather strange peice of material. In the bushes, I found scraps of what couldn't have been anything else other than @Godmode_ON's paint, Devil. It was glowing oddly, and at first I doubted myself, and thought it was probably some kid trying to play a prank on us, so I shrugged it away. However, my cardboard wife was all like "Honey, you can write about this for the newspaper, the most reliable news source in Tanki Online!"

 

I really didn't want to, because I hate writing (I don't even know why I'm a Reporter), but like one does when his wife tells him to do something, I complied.

 

So here I am, telling you how my camping trip went, like this is some sort of blog to post your daily life on.

 

Anyways, we found it at exactly 10:43 PM (I was looking at my watch so I can estimate in how long I'd be able to watch Tanki Tunes). The Sun was down by then, and I'm assuming that's why it was dark (I didn't pay attention much in school), but the scraps had a dim glow to it. Using my Sherlock Holmes skills (which I learned from the movies, not the books) I assumed that the fragments were scratched off by the surrounding trees, and the way they were scattered showed he was in a hurry to get away. But from what (that's usually where I can't think of any more Sherlock Holmes logic)?

 

Here's an image of what it looked like.

 

 

I was afraid to touch it, but I wasn't going to let my wife know that, so I did. It felt rather weird, I guess. Almost electronic. I felt like I was holding a punch of pixels. I reporter this discovery to the National Unit of Abnormal Objects, and they identified it to be dropped there from about 8 hours before I found it. They suggested not to go looking for him, and when I asked why they got straight to the point and said I was a weakling who has no chance of beating him.

 

Instead, they let me observe them observe the paint scraps under microscopes, as long as I stood at least three meters away. They said I was unsanitary, which makes sense I guess.

 

Right before I was about to fall asleep watching this up-stuck know-it-all scientists, one called me over and told me to look into the microscope...

 

 

I am both inspired and astonished at what I saw. A troll face, with an equally rated caption imprinted onto Godmode_ON's paint. The government has undergone immediate deliberation over this strange discovery. The area where my cardboard family and I found the scraps is being investigated and searched, the homes which claimed to have heard weird sounds hinting to Godmode_ON's presents have been evacuated and fenced, and the milkshake I just finished needs a refill.

 

*Yisroel suddenly disappears*

 

 

How developers managed to steal the sky for the 'Parkour Survival' contest

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As you've probably already seen, there's a new 'Sky' paint roaming around. It's a paint given to the winners of the 'Parkour Survival' contest. But there's something special most people haven't noticed about it... It's the sky.

 

It was no easy task creating the paint. Tankers pointed out that a portion of Rio's sky was missing, which lead to a deep investigation. It's been confirmed that over one server update, Tanki managed to get climbers to climb to the sky using a long ladder, cut out a large chunk of the sky, and smuggle it to Perm, where a private factory would cut the stolen sky to tank sized portions, creating the 'Sky' paint.

 

Photo of Rio's skyline with the missing portion of the sky

 

Scientist speculate that leaving the sky unpatched like that can eventually lead to mass being sucked out into space, potentially sucking the entire Tankiverse inside out. Damage like that can cost Tanki billions to fix.

 

Even though images, pure evidence, of the kidnapping of the sky have been leaked, Tanki officials still haven't given in, and continue to claim it had nothing to do with them.

 

Evidence showing developers climbing to the sky with a giant ladder to bring the sky down

 

Nives, the community manager, was quoted telling an AWC reporter "We didn't take the sky, the sky must've fallen into the ocean, or it might've been taken by hackers. Hacks have been getting stronger recently..." Tanker's are becoming frustrated over the responses of the officials. #BringBackTheSky rallies are being held in the streets daily. We're still waiting to see how things unfold here. We'll keep you updated!

 

 

New 'Gotham' map coming to the game in the near future
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

A few months ago, we recruited Batman in the Reporter team. Since then he's grown onto greater things, and has now left the team to become a professional developer for Tanki Online. He's taken on the task of adding an all-new original map the the game — the 'Gotham' map.

 

From what I've seen from it, it looks just like it does in the comics and movies. A high functioning city with many towers, and a huge skyscraper in the middle with the Wayne Enterprises logo on it (I guess that's the new McDonalds). The map comes in Summer, Winter, and an all new Trash mode, where basically the map looks like it does at the end of every Batman movie.

 

There's even a huge nuclear bomb, which I assume is how every match in the map ends. Here's what Batman himself has to say about his new creation.

 

[The following statements are taken from V-LOG Episode 148]

 

 

"Hey guys, I'm Batman! — And I'm making an all-new and original map; Gotham! It's great, almost as great as me. It's a map based Gotham city, of course, and it's the most original map to hit Tanki yet. I've invented entirely new props, because the current dull ones just won't do for my awesome new map, and I even added the giant statue of me in the centre of Gotham, with the words "R.I.P. Semyon Kirov" engraved onto a plank platinum.

 

It's actually pretty cool, there's also going to be a new supply called 'Bat Box'. It's basically going to give you all the powers I have for a minute or so. So that means one minute of flying, shooting crazy gadgets from all around your tank, having quadruple armour, and simply obtaining maximum coolness. Unfortunately, my fellow developers said that such a concept would be far to overpowered for a regular supply, so it's going to be rare. Like a gold box, but a bit more common.

 

Either way, it's going to be awesome, and I have a lot more cool stuff coming your way, so stay tuned for that! Bye, gotta go save Gotham, again."

 

Well, I guess that covers everything on this topic. Make sure to check that Gotham map out when it comes out, and as always, thanks for reading.

 

 

ADVERT: Get PaintGloss!

By @Yisroel.Rabin

Have you noticed your paintjob getting rusty from all that XP? Does it bother you? No? Well it should! Look your finest with PaintGloss, the all new moisture for your paint to keep it as shiny and crystal clear as when you first purchased it! PaintGloss helps prevent cracks, rust, dust, and just about every negative effect your paint can obtain without our product!

 

We stuff a whole bunch of random chemical compounds in this stuff we can guarantee you've never heard of, to help protect your paint from any kind of damage. All for the cheap price of $49.99!*

 

What are you waiting for, buy yours today at your local Tanker's Drug Mart!

 

*Prices vary on bottle size, starting from 45ml bottle.

 

 

Foolish forum moderator accidentally bans new community manager

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As much as it's being hushed up, it happened. A lazy tired absent minded forum moderator by the name of Fam accidentally banned recently recruited community manager . Questions have arisen as to why Fam committed such a undoubtedly stupid act, but then again, being this is all a private matter, answers haven't really surfaced. It seems Fam simply did it out of curiosity; to see what would happen if he tried to ban the CM. Well, the results have been displayed, quite clearly.

 

It took quite some time to get the community manager unbanned, which resulted in the lack of communication between the community manager and the rest of the community. The moderator was later confronted by an angry community manager with a rifle. Fam has suddenly disappeared and hasn't yet being found. Some speculate there could be a relation between the two incidents.

 

 

New community manager ‘stabs’ through the community

By @Destrod          

 

 

After being humiliated with a somewhat prestigious award, Cedric took the initiative and handed power over to pointy, sharp knives without the ‘k’. The new CM has vowed to make Tanki great again, as they all do and never succeed. A handsome looking Russian bloke who, unlike the power abusive Cedric, decided to work his way through the rank ladder by use of his own time and skill. The man is now a sergeant; a meager rank but it doesn’t matter, he’s the CM. The helper team rejoices as the deadly Cedric-Kirov duo of mass destruction is now sitting in AlternativaPlatform.

What does the community think of him? A psychopathic evil dictator, or a knight in shining denim?

 

"e kent spel nives korectly" ~ Night Sisters

 

"I love every CM so I love nives!" ~ Flexoo

 

"ok" ~ Yisroel.Rabin

 

Ingenious username strikes the community with a positive feeling. After all, every other CM always has a name worthy of being put in a Russian wrestling federation. Yes, you can imagine their names being yelled out:

 

"And now, hailing from the Tanki Office, weighing sixty-five donuts and a cheese cake, its seeeeeemyon kiiiiiirooooov"

 

That is it for this edition of The Dictator. I would like to thank the right hemisphere of my brain for coming up with these falsified and irrelevant pieces of text, I couldn’t have done it without you. And now to end this properly structured and grammatically impeccable  article, I offer a toast, to all those people out there, who still think admins drop gold boxes.’

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

 

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[Magenta 5,165]

Imagine the president knocking on your hospital window asking about who you are and what happened.

[Possibility 282]

Destrod's Debut! I knew you could do it bro! 

[Raytank7 1,037]

Ahh careful what you report about Destrod, you might go missing  :ph34r:  :P 

 

[lukey0 27,543]

So Rabbin, how careful do you need to be around open flames? I hope no one was too close to the camp fire. :P

 

An excellent read. :Thumbs_Up:

[Stratosphere 2,234]

 

 A lazy tired absent minded forum moderator by the name of Fam accidentally banned recently recruited community manager .

@Yisroel.Rabin, do know something amazing about this? Fam is @Maf spelled backwords, and clearly you viewed his profile and edited the username. Is it a coincidence, or intentional?  :ph34r:

Edited October 6, 2017 by Stratosphere

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

@Yisroel.Rabin, do know something amazing about this? Fam is @Maf spelled backwords, and clearly you viewed his profile and edited the username. Is it a coincidence, or intentional?  :ph34r:

Sherlock.