Other [Issue 68] The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Besides the monthly release of The Dictator issue, which provides you with quick articles on all the latest news, we also occasionally dive deep into bigger stories. In other words, specials. This month we'll be taking on the subject of our new community manager. Intrigued? Keep reading!

 

 

Origins of Nives – What you don't know about our new community manager 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Our community was greeted by a new community manager earlier this month, . He's already done quite a bit of work in the short while he's been here. He's answered a bunch of our questions, did a couple of livestreams and ate around 30 sandwiches. 

 

Nonetheless, there's still a lot we don't know about the new community manager, and there's also a fair amount of stuff we think we know about the new community manager, but really don't. I, however, took the liberty of diving headfirst into the subject, to discover the origins of Nives!

 

- - -

 

Although Nives claims to me of some European origin, he clearly looks Moroccan. That opens the window to a whole bunch of questions. Why would he lie of his origin, and say he's from Saint Petersberg, if he's from Morocco? The only logical assumption would be to say he's neither. So, what is he? Zimbabwean? Well, instead of sitting around and guessing all 195 countries (196 if you count Marshmallow Island), let's think logically.

 

'Nives' spelled backwards is 'sevin', which is most probably a hint. To what? His origin! Nives is from the 'sevin'th planet in our solar system, Uranus (they spell "seventh" differently there :x). After coming to this completely logical assumption, I began looking for documents and things like that to prove my beliefs.

 

It wasn't an easy task, but I managed to uncover some real juicy documents clearly supporting my claims. After some immersive hacking (which I did while using Internet Explorer's InPrivate Browser mode, so that the government wouldn't be able to track me down), I finally found multiple confidential documents from NASA confirming my claims. The documents mentioned the launch of a new mission to explore the surface of Uranus for different particles and potential life. Emails also explained that the mission must be kept a secret and cannot be shared with anyone, even family. Well, that's a bummer - Here's the most juicy document I found among the many.

 

 

As of now I'm trying to find footage or recordings of Nives' capture. The government really knows how to send a rocket to Uranus and return with an alien unnoticed. I have recruited a team of professional hackers who will continue to help me in discovering more and more on this matter as we go. Right now, my team's main goal is to find more information on Nives' capture and more about Nives as an alien in general. What can he do that we can't, and vice versa.

 

I made a couple of phone calls to the White House (don't ask how I got their number; let's just say it involved a tape of a president eating ice cream out of a tub, and a long blackmail scandal), asking questions which could potentially lead to more answers, but they're tough; all I got was information you can find on NASA's website. Nothing special. At one point I got so desperate for information, I tweeted at the President of the United States, but he just replied with Uranus jokes.

 

Nonetheless, I managed to pick up whispers from inside the white house (I know a guy who's dog I currently am "borrowing"). Basically, Nives is one of many types from Uranus. There are many nations on Uranus, much like on Earth, except there, things are more stabilized, a bottle of Coke doesn't cost more than 75 cents. Other nationalities include angry old people (they're born old), and violet colored dwarfs who can only scream. It's becoming pretty clear as to why they chose someone like Nives as appose to someone from the other nationalities.

 

In a private interview with NASA spokesmen, I've learned that recordings of Nives' capture do in fact exist, but are stored away in some secret location. I checked the kitchen freezer, it wasn't there... Shucks. The last thing Nives was recorded saying before he was captured was "Don't worry mom, I'm just going to play on the blue ball. I'll be back in time for supper."

English is obviously no language on Uranus, they speak what NASA calls "Uranusian", but that's only in the region known as "Buttesville". NASA hasn't established names for the other nationalities and their languages yet. Either way, it was apparently extremely hard to teach Nives English. He kept throwing pencils at his teachers until they ran away out of insanity. He went through around seventeen English tutors before they set him up with some emotionless grandpa in his nineties.

 

There were doubts, many doubts. NASA thought about cancelling the project, because failure could be a disaster. They decided to pull through with it though, but only with Nives being closely monitored. That why, if you watched a stream with the community manager, you can see creepy robotic cameras behind him with lasers and everything.

 

 

It wasn't just about NASA though, Tanki needed the profit. A company like NASA is bound to pay you quite a bit of cash for you to let them store an alien in your facility, not to mention be the community manager. Swiss cheques show big dollars being given from NASA to Tanki Online, so expect bigger sales soon, and perhaps other all-new activities.

 

Cedric, the former community manager, is a former NASA employee, which is how this whole situation came to be. Recorded phone calls which are yet to be verified prove that conversation about an alien coming to work as a community manager was definitely a reality. Cedric announced he was leaving a month before he stepped down, but he knew many months prior. He spent months working with Nives to make sure he was as prepared as possible, and wouldn't randomly blurt out stuff he overheard in NASA labs. Cedric also had to find a real community manager, who'd be doing all the work Nives failed to do behind the scenes. That person is yet to be identified, but we assume he hasn't heard of weekly 50% sales yet.

 

Other straight forward evidence is also a common occurrence on the forum. Just a few weeks ago, Nives mentioned that the V-LOG crew were all humans, except one. Well, I wonder who that "one" could be...

 

 

In conclusion, our teams' plans for the future is to, besides buy around 30 boxes of donuts, get a one-on-one in-depth locker room talk interview with Nives, and potentially squeeze every last bit of info we can out of him. There's still a lot to be uncovered on this subject, and that means my team and I have a lot of work to do. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go do more research. I get paid more for that anyways (viz. I get two Teddy Bear gifts, not just one).

 

I will be sure keep you updated in later issues of The Dictator! Have a great day, and keep an eye out for strange behaviors from Nives!

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

 

 

 

[Coat 2,280]

I am the Prof. Spongebob Squarepants.

[Ninja 10,468]

These are so underrated, probably because it just looks like a text wall.  :lol:

[Magenta 5,165]

Common guys it's Yis.Rab how can it be just another text wall? Those were buried with BrownPebble.

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

These are so underrated, probably because it just looks like a text wall.  :lol:

Agreed... About the text wall part. I've got to get around to using more pics. I guess I thought a pic of an official NASA document, and a horribly edited pic of Nives was good enough. Apparently not. :V Anyways, thanks! :D

[maryam98 1,171]

Great article :p

[sre123 595]

Shouldn't it be Nives's instead of Nives'? I mean, it is not a plural word, right? Correct me if I am wrong...

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Seems a little suspicious that the NASA document was published on the same day "The Dictator" was . . .

Suspicious? Nahhhh.  :ph34r:

 

Shouldn't it be Nives's instead of Nives'? I mean, it is not a plural word, right? Correct me if I am wrong...

I think you can use either but most people nowadays just use an apostrophe (not followed by an "s"). "Nives" is a proper noun but you can go with either.

[sre123 595]

I think you can use either but most people nowadays just use an apostrophe (not followed by an "s"). "Nives" is a proper noun but you can go with either.

Alright, thanks! (y)

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

I just love that the head of Nasa is Spongebob Squarepants.

[maryam98 1,171]

I just love that the head of Nasa is Spongebob Squarepants.

Professor Spongebob Squarepants

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

When it'll become a double 's', you spell it with the apostrophe after the first 's'. Hence "Yisroel's potatoes" VS "Nives' potatoes." Writing "Nives's potatoes makes no sense.

[sre123 595]

When it'll become a double 's', you spell it with the apostrophe after the first 's'. Hence "Yisroel's potatoes" VS "Nives' potatoes." Writing "Nives's potatoes makes no sense.

Nevermind, I thought one inserts <<'s'>> only after plural words. :/

Nah, I checked the web and found out that one can use either <<'>> after a name which ends in 's', or <<'s>> after a name which ends in 's'.

[gokuMI6 1,290]

what a simple S brings out :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o

[rishabhhaunt 1,629]

Nice article :)