Other [Issue 69] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - November '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. This month we've got some real neat stories for you. Hope right on in!

 

 

Tanki Online Newspaper celebrates 69 Issues landmark
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

The official Tanki Online Newspaper just hit 69 Issues! That's astonishing and unbelievable (it truly is, I have no idea how the Newspaper didn't totally die yet). As we all know, 69 of anything is a very tremendous milestone, and the newspaper is no exception. The team celebrated the notorious height with a full night of fun. Some fake news specialists were spreading rumors that @Flexoo, the Newspaper Administrator, even got a little tipsy from an overdose of WD40, but we all know Flexoo's too good of an admin to do that.

 

There were games, prizes, food, and even fireworks at a huge carnival held at National Kunger Park; it was truly a blast.

 

Photograph of firework on the day of the celebration.

 

 

Ranking Cups maniac found unconscious inside a cup

By @Destrod

 

If you thought that the Parkouremia disease wasn't enough, in came the Ranking Cups, a source of distress and worry for all those eSports enthusiasts out there who wish to see their clan thrive in the Top Clans sections. Wiki Editor and fellow member of the Multhood, @Hexed was found drunk inside a giant golden cup at his residence, following up on his recent failure against competitive clans in the Ranking Cups. Being only at a needle's length away from reaching the Top League, the craze bested his patience. Being asked why he was sitting in a gold cup, he only murmured things which we could not understand:

 

"Two...two....left side.... Flag one.....Fll...flaa.g. is one..... control mid...,go cap go cap......"

 

Professional Forum users are left in a state of trance. What caused this deranged helper to turn from an intelligent Homo Sapien to a Homo Captheflagien? Certainly not the crystals, since helpers are always drowning with crystals a man of his caliber could not have fallen into the deep clutches of greed, was it the glory? Undoubtedly no, since we are all accustomed to seeing his name pop up at the end of every Helpers Of The Month list they aren't recognized anyway but we won't say so. It is very unclear as to why he resorted to this golden cup, but one thing is certain. Helpers are mults who don't belong in eSports.

 

This issue also went into consideration of the only helper out there who has managed to defy the above rule. Retired member of the Multhood and the English eSports prodigy, @Spy saw the situation in which he was in, and the only advice he could offer was this:

 

                       

 

The choice is now in his hands. Will he give up the Multhood, its so called 'privileges' and glory for his struggle towards the Top League? Only time will tell, if he manages to climb out of the humongous cup. If not, may his bones rest in pieces.

 

 

Authorities report 20+ kidnappings over Halloween night
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

In the midst of the Halloween celebrations, Tanki Online Missing Person's Department [TOMPD] reported twenty plus kidnappings, most of the victims being under 18. The Tanki International Federal Police Unit [TIDPU] has released images and names of the hostages, including people like beaku, Tofu, Siri, Cyborg, GoldRocks. The search begun immediately, although none of the victims have been found so far.

 

beaku

Tofu

Cyborg

Siri

GoldRock

Night-Sisters

 

 

Adriel.RB

semyonkirov

Ostrica

Damn_Slow

Hate

Flexoo

 

 

Nives' GF

Contradiction

GaIaxy

Not Ninja B)

I3est

Scientist

 

The full list of missing people with their photos.

 

Details of of the kidnapper have arisen as well, and the Police Unit believe @Godmode_ON to be held accountable for the kidnappings. They point to video footage taken on the oldest iPhone on the planet's surface of Godmode_ON creeping out of the forest's edges in the early evening before the night of trick or treating, and returning much later that night with a loaded hull.

A copy of the wanted posters around Tanki's ground.

The forests have been searched extensively, but Godmode_ON still remains unfound. Many police officers from the Unit however have reported clues and traces of Godmode in and around the forest; Tanki Police Officer iPotatoFace reporting that his K9 was fixed on a particular tree near the edge of the forest. The tree and its perimeters has since been under closer surveillance and DNA samples have been taken. New DNA traces and tank tracks from around the forest show that Godmode had been in certain areas only minutes before the DNA traces were collected, all without the Unit and Surveillance Team noticing.

 

How Godmode is slipping through the Authority's fingers again and again is eerie and incomprehensible, and what mode of transportation he's using is still unfathomable as well... It's a pretty God-mode though.

 

The Authorities have issued a price on Godmode_ON's hands. Wanted posters have gone up around Tanki, and updates as well as warnings popping up and every TV channel every little while. The Chief of Communities, has issued his statement reassuring that every single person will be rescued safe and sound, and that Godmode_ON is to be found and put to justice. Roads have be closed off around the forest area, but other places are still being monitored for safety purposes.

Stay safe, and if you stumble upon anything suspicious, report it to Authorities immediately! Thanks for your attention, we'll keep you updated in following issues of The Dictator.

 

 

Developers Sued For Improper Developing

By @Destrod

 

 

Keen and observant reporters caught sight of the developers doing extremely non-developmental activities during work shifts. With the Admiral General Supreme Leading Administrator relieved from duty, these misty mischief makers were caught ‘developing’ by means of a chicken walking on the ground towards specific locations they had filled with grain.

 

Upon observing, our sources revealed that the points in the room were actually game updates; and the ones being applied were actually where the chicken went. When caught red handed, they merely suggested that they were ‘chickening around’.

 

Further investigation revealed multiple hidden rooms in the facility with signs on different points of the room, such as " Destroy economy by removing PRO battle missions", and "Send fake job letter to Cedric". The developers are currently being sued for ignorance, and being the readers of hogree’s magical guide to eating chicken, the Reporters started playing with Mammoth, admiring its size in relevance to their own.

 

A new team of developers has been given this suicidal task, and they have vowed not to use chickens for developer updates like the previous ones did, although it was quite suspicious of them, bringing forty fire ant colonies and crumbled insects which were labelled 'bait'. 

 

 

How our new Community Manager Nives celebrated his Halloween

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As much as our community manager would hope to have a private Halloween, the public and the power of the internet made it rather public. Images and videos have gone viral on TankTube of walking down the streets of Perm in his Halloween costume. The funny thing is, the viral videos show that Nives had a rather unique costume. Nives went as none other than our extremely frightening former Community Manager @Cedric Debono.

 

One particular video shows Nives running down a dimly lit street, chasing children whiling "GIVE ME CANDY ADMIN PLS!" The videos have been deemed illegal, as they're an invasion of Nives' privacy, which is why I cannot share them (if I want to keep my overpaid job). However, I'm sure you can find them floating around the Tankinet.

 

Nives hasn't responded to the allegations of child abuse and candy theft as of yet. In fact, no one's been able to contact him for the past several days. He's deleted all his contacts, burnt his phone, deleted his email account, bombed his house, and left behind nothing but an empty pudding cup. We reached out to Nives' brother, who's identity will remain private for safety reasons.

 

"I'm not @The.L-E-G-E-N-D! Go away!"

 

That's about as far as we're able to go.

 

 

UPDATE: Rio breaks away and becomes Earth's second moon in orbit

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Last month, we spoke about the developers scandal, where they stole a large portion of the sky from Rio for a paint, which they so ingeniously named 'Sky.' The effects of the event are astounding! Seeing Tanki developers are slow thinkers, and haven't done anything about the huge hole they made in the sky, but rather just left it there, the atmosphere eventually started eating away at itself, until last Wednesday, when the atmosphere above Rio had completely dissolved. As a result, ground with no atmosphere above it, along with inhabitants who had not fled the area, were dragged out into space by the Moon's gravitational pull, separating Rio from Earth completely, creating a new orbiting moon.

 

Rio G, as its since been named, is twice as small as the Moon, but orbits the Earth at twice the speed. The tremendous speed at which it travels at caused it to pick up dust and debris from Earth's outer-atmosphere, which eventually created an entirely new yet thin atmosphere for Rio G.

 

Although NASA has sent a years supply of food as well as capsules for the inhabitants of Rio G, to keep them safe and warm, NASA plans on sending a rescue team as soon as possible to bring the victims back to Earth, and has already began tests to make sure the rescue goes as planned. In the meantime, the area where Rio once laid has been closed off and is in the process of being filled with land and sealed.

 

Image from Rio G in orbit, with its view of the Earth.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

Edited November 3, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin

[saurabhmann 509]

Really Amazing Humour! 

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice! :LOL:

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Clicked on this article expecting 69 jokes.

 

Was not disappointed.