Other [Issue 70] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - December '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. This month we'll be diving into unheard of hot subjects and letting you know all about what they don't want you to know.



Nives bans Magnum because he hates it
By @Yisroel.Rabin

If you've checked out your garage lately, you'd've noticed that Magnum has since been removed from the game. Big fans who camp with Magnum 24/7, like @Maf, weren't happy about the sudden and unbeknownst removal. So, as the cookie crumbles, players began complaining.

After things calmed down, Tanki developers responded.

"We don't know where it went."

Being that response didn't help anything, people began speculating. It was later discovered that our very own community manager, , is the culprit. He's mentioned before in livestream(s) that he 'absolutely hates Magnum, so if it suddenly disappeared from the game one day, you know who did it.'

Later, the cameras were checked, and it was found that Nives had indeed stayed late one night, pretending to do work stuff (practicing turning his turret), and snuck onto the main database after everyone had gone, entered the password; H0tH4zel123, and deleted Magnum from the game.

In other news, to counter the bad, Tanki will be holding a 70% off sale on Magnum for the next week! So snatch those Magnums at an incredibly cheap— Oh... Nevermind.



Newspaper Team Follows 3vil H4mst6r’s Path
By @Destrod



After the community was put in a state of shock by a certain weasel-y rodent warlord(Not to mention any names) , The seemingly new Reporter team has vowed to follow in their master’s footsteps. Leaded by the audacious and cunning flex of O’s , World Domination seems like a walk in the park. Further questioning was of little good, as the team did not come up with conclusive answers:
"We’re not taking over the world, wink wink"- Lord Zenyth
"I need to rank up, please"-tweezers
"ok"- Flexoo

So there you have it. The world will come to an end by means of a black dragon being rode by a pair of quantum tweezers, while a killer penguin wrecks havoc on the ground, with a hexed rabbit acting as a spy. Everyone at home; hide your cookies and grammar mistakes.



The true reason behind Tanki lags has finally been revealed
By @Yisroel.Rabin

Recently, a frustrated XP player got fed up with the lags in Tanki Online, and decided to call for an investigation on the offices of the Tanki Online head offices.

The DDAOG (Donuts and Detective Association of Online Games) launched a full-on investigation into the situation. Detective and Professor at Ronald Edward Kook Towns High School, more commonly referred to as R.E.K.T. High, lead the investigation.

Files were checked, and no evidence leading to the possible reason of the lags were found. Computers were checked, so were drawers, shelves, ovens, toilets and even sock door was checked. Nothing was found, until they checked the basement.

Downstairs, behind a huge steel door was the main database computer. All was clear once and for all...

Bugs Bunny complains about natural security
By @Destrod

Warner Bros. prodigy Bugs Bunny showered the Tanki Press with little raindrops of liquid whining, the chemical formula of which was described to be 'Whine2O', as he was savagely attacked by a horrendous tanker, Elmer J.Fudd, who was equipped with the state of the art Hornet-Railgun combination. Since the beginning of Episode 1 time, the code-named 'wascally waabit' has been outsmarting the primitive hunter by his immensely superior intellect and psychic manipulation. However, the odds were much less in his favor, now that the capped rifleman had acquired his very own tank, after constant bribing and the agreement of one condition, which the Tank Merchandise Officer explains here:

' This tank has been put in the custody of Elmer J.Fudd provided that he respects the letters 'r' and 'w' and does not mix each other therein. Does the buyer agree?'
' I agwee...*cough* agwe... agree '

Bugs was outraged. He demanded that the tank be removed of his possession immediately. The Tanki Staff however, had different ideas. Unless the buyer broke the only condition he had agreed upon, the tank would not be withdrawn.
A special report the following day announced the annulment of Fudd's Tank deal. The buyer was found bamboozling around in a local bar, after consuming fifteen pints of an unknown drink call-signed Destrodka. Constant uttering of the words dwunk, disowiented and wabbit ultimately resulted in the intervention of an FBI( Foolish Bamboozler Interrogation) team, which broke in and apprehended the 19th century vagrant. Although it caused negative commotion at the bar, one of the agents was kind enough to yell "That's all folks" before leaving the room. The happiness on Bug's face can only be illuminated by this simple yet deep meme:

People living in battlefields complain about the noise
By @Yisroel.Rabin

The international police department have recently began getting complaints from elderly residents of the battlefields about the noise players have been making. One elderly grandmother in particular had a very compelling complaint.

"Yea, hi, this is Mrs. Bluebasket from Kunger. I'd like to file a complaint about the loud shots these crazy youngsters are firing around my house, occasionally hit it. If these people don't calm down, I swear I'm leaving, and I'll be taking my house with me.

I'm trying to watch TV and these kids decide they can do whatever they want. Y'know, back in my day, we didn't have Hammers, putting holes in your walls. We had Smoky, Twins, and Firebird. None of these did too much damage. These days kids are handed fully automatic machine guns to fire around at will. KEEP IT DOWN YOU FOOLS!"

Police say they're "looking into it," but that isn't good enough. People already began moving from the wild areas to more deserted areas, like the long abandoned Wolfenstein.

But it isn't just the grandparents complaining, kids are complaining too.

"How do you expect me to play Tanki when I have a Railgun firing at my door every five seconds?!"

Parents Revolt to Tank Driving
By @Destrod

A number of frustrated and angry parents have laid siege onto their offspring’s computers, more precisely, a horizontal tank icon with orange blast waves gushing out of it. The children merely stare at their computers in silence, upon which they are blamed for imagining "tank driving". Upon being questioned as to the reason of their actions, the parents blurted:

"The use of the word ‘drugs’ for children by playing this game is ridiculous! I say they should learn something less violent from the game terminology."
"My son wakes up, only to yell at me that I turned the skybox off, right after I changed the ceiling color."
"He makes the ‘railey gunny’ sounds all night."
The parents have clearly shown us their concerns, which are properly placed.
The developers have insisted on keeping their jobs while adding three changes to the game, changing the word drugs to ‘pretty pink ponies’ according to the parents’ requests, changing railgun’s charge sound to a squeaky sandal flop, and adding a Parents Safety button in the settings.



New ketchup turret goes wrong
By @Yisroel.Rabin

A new turret for your hull just hit the game a few days ago; Ketchup! With the release of the turret came much immediate excitement from players. However, as time progressed, players realized the horrible cons of the release of a turret that literally sprays ketchup.

Due to the high amounts of ketchup used daily in the battlefields, plants, trees and fields have been severely infested with a new disease called 'Ketcherupitis'. The disease causes the organisms to begin growing moldy and horrible smelling leaves, which continue growing rapidly with no known antidote.

As of right now, the whole of Forest has been practically buried in the infested disease. Sandbox has also been shut down due to the hazards, and all other major rural areas have been shut down too.

Doctor OstrichForLife, a ketchup expert, has began a full investigation on the disease, and is in the process of creating an antidote for the new disease that's been spreading universally like wild fire.

Fast food restaurants, as well as major companies like Heinz, have it bad as well. Heinz has recently announced that they have, for the first time ever, ran out of ketchup. As a result of ketchup's current crisis, Heinz and other major companies have begun selling ketchup bottles for hundreds of dollars.

Tanki has since discontinued the Ketchup turret, with good reason. A response from the developers is being awaited world wide.



AWC Nugs Point Their Pitchforks on The Dictator
By @Destrod

After witnessing the awesome power of the enormously growing humor series The Dictator, the rebels from the notorious Amateur Writing Club advanced to create a so called 'replacement' for it; The Leaky Mult. Besides the awful selection of naming which has no resemblance or relation to a humor news series, the overall concept of it has been stolen. Reporter prowess hushed down the rising rebel article, reducing it to a mere AWS Topic,

Astonishingly, no hints of plagiarism were found. The difference in quality, however, can be seen by a blind man in an Arctic blizzard. The article was the beginning of a revolution, one which would give rise to a spirit among the AWC rebels, The spirit of Multhood, something foreseen by chosen Reporters, a long time ago.
After the day of approval, article content writers Multovingian and Ill-uminati came up with quite a convincing 'marketing stunt':

" We are grateful that the almighty Reporters blessed us with their presence and appreciation, and we are here to tell you that this piece was, by no means a source of pain for the Reporters' original content-ship, ity, thing, whatever. It was in fact, a way of promoting the writing of Reporter content by amateur writers, and I am proud that we have done so, courtesy of the original creators."

They fell for it. Reporters will be promoting the article in future and might even award crystals to the two authors. Any normal person would see through the cliché, but the Newspaper Team is full of mults, after all.



If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015


- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017
- July 2017
- September 2017
- October 2017
- November 2017


The Dictator Specials
- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives




Edited December 14, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Wew, Yis throwing some serious shade lol

 

Tanki 1v1 no drugs pro battle XP only no MUs arena deathmatch first to 10 no modules between Yis and Mero when?

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice once again. :LOL:

[Magenta 5,165]

I must admit that Yis is a better dictator writer than Des. Des lacked clarity and humour. I could not understand most of the pieces Des wrote.

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

I do feel Dictator is running out of ideas...

You feel wrong.

 

I must admit that Yis is a better dictator writer than Des. Des lacked clarity and humour. I could not understand most of the pieces Des wrote.

You're forgetting the fact that I'm 10 times worse than older Dictator writers.

[Merovingian 656]

Reporters will be promoting the article in future might even award crystals to the two authors.

Come to papa, my little precious crystals. :wub:

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

I could not understand most of the pieces Des wrote.

Maybe that's your fault. Des is ... well, he's an acquired taste. :P

[Magenta 5,165]

Maybe that's your fault. Des is ... well, he's an acquired taste. :P

But I laughed at Yis' stuff.

[Destrod 2,634]

Well obviously, I'm not the perfect writer in any way, nor am I the best judge. Every person has his/her own likes and dislikes, one type of content can be judged in many different ways. This comes with age and gender mostly, but every suggestion is valuable to me and won't be ignored. 

And like Yis says, the new reporters actually lack talent as compared to the reporters of old, so I can proudly say that if I had applied three years ago, I would barely meet the criteria  for an AWC member.

 

PS: Recent study suggests that old Admins like conanthedestroyer and GoldRock actually inserted nerve implants to Reporter candidates, turning them into mindless slaves, masters of writing content,

 

[WoundedWarrior 302]

this is the worst one I have read in a while.

 

where is all of the humor?

 

you guys need to hire some new writers... the old ones are out of ideas

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

this is the worst one I have read in a while.

 

where is all of the humor?

 

you guys need to hire some new writers... the old ones are out of ideas

Yisroel is offended. Will work on not being lame. :P

[Apex_Predator 537]

Nives password tho !  :lol: 

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

where is all of the humor?

Humour is subjective. What you find funny, other people might not have, and vice-versa. Apex_Predator seemed to like it - heck, I chuckled a bit while reading this edition.

 

I would state the old and tired-out phrase of "iF yOu DiDnT LiKe It, HoW aBoUt YoU tRy DoInG iT yOuRsElF?!?!?!1/1/1/!?!?", but that's redundant, since anyone can criticize anything. Free speech, constructive critics, yadda yadda yadda. So, instead, I'll leave you with this:

 

"Shut up and enjoy, thanks."