Other [Issue 72] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - February '18

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all.

 

 

I would just like to say sorry
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Yesterday, I made fun of a Magnum who couldn't aim straight and kept missing me. I was trying to be funny, to entertain those around me, that's always my goal. But I was being insensitive and inconsiderate. I didn't look at the whole picture, I thought he was just a noob.

 

Had I known it was his first time playing Tanki, and he was just playing on his brothers account, I would have never called him a kid with his mom's credit card. I regret my actions and would like to publicly state my recognition of the problem, and my new aim of joining the solution.

 

I pledge to donate to all the major and minor groups spreading awareness to cyber bulling, starting with donating 1 000 000 crystals to the #AllAreEqual movement, which have done a miraculous job at stopping bullying in online games and across all the internet.

 

Whether you play XP, or use M1 Smoky and the noobiest paint, you deserve equality, and don't let my past actions convince you otherwise. I've changed, and I know understand and acknowledge my mistakes, and have done all I can to rid those mistakes from my personality.

 

I ask for your forgiveness.

 

My goal is to entertain.

 

 

Shocking News: Black Boxes Have Left The Building... and Tanki 

By @Flexoo

 

The Black Boxes caused a stir when they first appeared during The Black Friday and then again during the New Year celebrations. Hunters have enjoyed the chilling agitation of capturing a black box that may contain something valuable. Everyone was happy and nothing in the world could go wrong. Later, development announced that Black Boxes are here to stay and that you will be able to rarely spot them gliding instead of Gold Boxes. However, no one knew that rarely will freely translate to, well, never. Since these big celebrations, black boxes literally hit the road. Muerto, Finito, Arivederci, Astalavista. A few thousand players claimed they indeed saw something closely resembling the black box, but our double Perm agent confirmed these players are mere dummy accounts used for controling the minds and views of unaware players. Based on all the (gossip) *EDIT* evidence, we confronted one of the lead developers who agreed on interview directly in his residence. Here's what he got to say;

 

 

"Yeap, I am behind all these ingenious ideas and I have never been more proud of myself. It all started with this awesome Synesthesia Code that was awkwardly illogical, and upon cracking it, awarded *WAIT FOR IT* absolutely NOTHING. It was a huge hit and so I decided to step up the game with hoax about the Black Boxes with drop rate so small that atom looks like giant truck compared to it. I got plenty more tricks up my sleeve, so get ready for more because you can't do nothing about it."

 

Well, someone's bursting with confidence! We certainly hope this newly-found confidence won't abandon the unnamed developer even when we leak his address to the angry crowds.

 

 

American Rugby Federation protests against Tanki's new rugby mode 
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

With the buzz of a new 'Rugby' mode going around our tankers, a very important influence took a stand. The American Rugby Federation president, @Maf, released a statement yesterday, basically saying such a game mode is a direct attack on his federation and the sport as a whole.

 

"The idea of a Rugby mode is a deliberate butchering of our sport. They're taking our wonderful game and turning it into a virtual game, where all you exercise is your ability to burn brain cells. It's outright attack, coming to steal all young aspiring athletes, and migrating them to a computer game.

 

I call for a boycott of the new mode and demand an immediate response from the Tanki Administration."

 

And what makes this all the more crazy is ' response.

 

 

I guess we're doomed.

 

 

Nives publicly outed as gay for the 949458585839th time 

By @Marc

 

Another Livestream, another public announcement. Sergei continues to persist with his whole 'negative reinforcement' scheme, insisting that he is gay, in a bid to make us believe that he isn't. Sorry, Sergei, your plan isn't working. 

 

 

Destraught Lord of the Rings fan explains what 'my precious' really means

By @Destrod

 

After the destruction of the One Ring and it's evil master Sauron with it, all lay quiet in the peaceful realm of middle-Earth. Or did it? A die hard Gandalf fan found a rather peculiar figure in the clutching depths of Zone:

 

 

 

This horrid creature has been feeding off noob xp/bp players who fall into this ditch, hence his malnutrition and sordid figure.  When the LoTR enthusiast was questioned about his encounter, he began his boring and painfully long story of how he stumbled upon the ring lover:

 

" I was taking a stroll near the bridge, and I heard a very peculiar noise, so I looked down and there lay Gollum, depressed and weak, I felt like the moment I've awaited my entire life had come. I asked

" What business does a cursed hobbit have in the Zonemark?" 

" It must leave us! Not it's business, filthy Veteran player pushes us into this pit! gollum, gollum"

" The wise and all-powerful Reporter team ought to know what to do with you!"

So I brought him here."

 

Gollum is currently being dissected and scraped for parts, to sustain my master Flexoo look for precious items, and it is here that we find the twist in J.R.R.Tolkien's story. Gollum's precious was not the ring, but a decade old piece of a half eaten Big Mac. No wonder it drove him mad, it's finger lickin' good! Or was that the other.....nevermind. I'm terrible with names.

 

 

Rugby Mode … a catastrophic failure

By @Marc

 

Rugby Mode has not been in the game for long, but tankers' violent tendency levels seem to have skyrocketed. Highly qualified scientists hypothesize that this is likely due to the amount of tankosterone being released as a result of the implementation of the hyped Rugby Mode. The competitive nature is also expected to cause an influx of discrimination, as the unfit, heavy hulls keep getting outrun by the nimble light hulls. 

 

 

Yisroel.Rabin diagnosed with ADHD 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

That explains everything.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

- January 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

 

[Musa 5,352]

heh Nives

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Yis claiming he has ADHD to try and get us to forgive him.

NEVER!

[bc200214_777 582]

Nives is too much of a sav

[Pyre 3,485]

 

 

 

 

Yisroel.Rabin diagnosed with ADHD 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

That explains everything.

 

 

It truly does.

[DRAKO523 795]

Yisroel.Rabin ​ Haha, amazing writing  :lol: 

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

we accept ur apology.. smh ppl just forgive him alredy!!!1! evry1 makes mistakes, why shuldnt he be any different?? #YisGang4Lyfe

[Best_of_thunder_2015 1,354]

So, you got ADHD ? Seems like you don't have a posterity.... 

 

Good article but did'nt make me laugh enough than you previous...

[DRAKO523 795]

Wait so let me get this straight, no more black boxes.....

[DRAKO523 795]

How  could they do this to us :-;.