Other [Issue 80] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - October '18

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. We've taken a bit of a break, so let's jump straight into it!

 

 

NOTICE: Suppressed media outlet The Dictator makes its way out of overlord's grasp
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As we're sure many of our devoted readers have noticed, over the past month or two The Dictator - Tanki's Finest News Source - has not been releasing new publications for readers to catch up on all the latest news. There has been gossip going around the Tanki community at large lately of what could've happened to the very successful outlet. Many blamed it on @Yisroel.Rabin, a news anchor for The Dictator and pretty much the guy THAT DOES ALL THE WORK AROUND HERE, and his lack of creativity. This select group of people claimed that Yisroel's lack of ideas led The Dictator to its ultimate closure back in August. Others older readers had a more simple, and definitely more logical claim, and blamed the @Night-Sisters for the pause on publication.

 

However, the truth of the matter is that The Dictator has been suppressed by the overruling administrators of the failing TO Newspaper, possibly for its tendency to expose the administrators darkest of secrets (like we are right now). There is an endless amount of reason the administrators of the TO Newspapers would try to suppress and ultimately shut down the more accurate news source in the history of Tanki Online.

 

Nevertheless, The Dictator has managed to break through many legal barriers the admins have set up to block it from publishing, and so we are here today to present to you another issue of The Dictator, free of any suppression and depression.

 

 

Dictator's star thrown in Jail

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

 

During August, the star of the brilliant Dictator series was thrown in Jail. As everyone knows, we have to work tirelessly and make sure that we get Flexoo anything he wants, lest he will touch us with a dirty sock. Yisroel. Rabin had been put in charge of bringing Flexoo Banana Splits every day, topped with Feta Cheese, Smoked Salmon and Chocolate sauce. When the cruel tyrant found out that Yisroel Rabin had been sneaking Bananas into his banana splits, Flexoo was enraged. Consequently, Yisroel Rabin was put in jail alongside a coconut which had fallen in front of Flexoo when he was on a beach, a potato who claims to be the brother of Ostrica, a mouldy piece of cheese from his visit to France as well as a dirty shoe which the tyrant himself was too afraid to use on us. After much begging and serving banana splits without bananas we finally managed to convince the obese Flexoo that without Yisroel Rabin's pointless articles, our already hopeless English newspaper would fail. What's worse, is that we had to stroke his ego to convince him that without his guidance and the extraordinary talent of Yisroel, the rest of our non-existent work would be useless. After being released from jail, he has gone missing and claimed to have gone looking for chocolate flavoured tuna, but his whereabouts are still unknown.  

 

 

Tanki newspaper moves headquarters due to budget changes
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

We moved, and I'm working on Windows Vista.

 

 

 

Economy crashes as tons of gold showers from the sky(box); Developers upset

By @Hexed

 

We're bringing you live coverage of not only the most interesting event to occur this year, but also the most dangerous. As you see live pictures of gold just showering out of the sky right here in Barda, the whole economy of the game is at stake. Developers are working round the clock to end this one-of-a-kind happening - sources they have been on it since yesterday morning.

 

When interviewed, one of the game's players who was fortunate enough to witness the event had the following to say:

 

"its only gold, why you hef to be mad?"

 

We have received information that occurrences of the same phenomena have been sighted in many other areas of the Verse as well, including Parma, Rio, Berlin and Gubakha. Let's hope the game survives through this rainy day, back to you, Sergey.

 

 

URJENT: DO NOT WEAR THE NEW XT SKINS! 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

This is a level ten warning to all tankers who are rich enough to afford the new XTs or who are lucky enough to receive one. DO NOT WEAR THEM! They have been reported to contain particles extracted from a deadly plant located in the far corner of Serpuhov. The developers reportedly did this to save money in manufacturing, not knowing the extent of their actions.

 

 

Developers...

@Hexed

 

Tankers: Please release a new update...

 

*le developers release new update*

 

*matchmaking system*

 

Tankers: this game ded. world blow up..

 

Developers:

 

 

 

Leaks show the real reason mobile Tanki will not be coming to Apple devices 

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

We have many hackers whose sole purpose is to infiltrate high secured information from sources who don't want us knowing their top secrets. We've managed to discover the truth about the latest gossip on the street and the question that's on all the children's' minds; why won't the mobile version of Tanki Online be coming to Apple devices?

 

Well, reports show that @Hazel-Rah, a well known and old-time developer of TO has been diagnosed with a phobia of apples. He can't look at one, let alone eat one. Any mention of the classic fruit and he goes into shock for two or more hours. It was, therefore, decided not to release the mobile version of the game on Apple devices. However, the developers, of course, will never admit this rather embarrassing piece of information about Hazel, so just remember, you heard it here first and probably last!

 

 

Magnum gets nerfed, V-LOG voice changes, "Da hell?" says The Dictator

By @Magenta

 

On Monday, 24th September, a surprising Patch Note was released - Magnum was to be nerfed. This news was taken with significant shock by The Dictator; everybody exclaimed "Da hell?" in unison as the latest announcement was displayed on the big screen at the Central Hall, with the exception of Yis, who exclaimed "Da friggin hell?" Semyon Strizhak, lead game designer, had after all sworn an oath to "never succumb to CM pressure and nerf or remove Magnum from the game." What happened to that oath? Maybe he was fired? Has Nives, famous hater of Magnum, conducted a successful coup? These were some of the burning questions The Dictator felt compelled to answer.

 

While such great curiosity demands equally great valour to be quenched, The Dictator, of course, didn't lack any. The team was immediately tasked with getting at the heart of the issue, and the office walls were soon covered with pinned maps, charts, and photos, and the floor littered with half-eaten chicken and crushed Coke cans as we brainstormed day and night. The most plausible theory - according to vote - put Sergei at the centre of it all. There was motive, and Sergei was deemed perfectly capable of taking over Alternativa; the only thing lacking was undeniable evidence. Our investigative journalists travelled all over the Tankiverse, searching for answers, but to no avail.

 

However, our wait was finally over when the Vlog came out on Friday.

 

At first look, everything was normal; Nives spammed everyone's notifications, the thumbnail promised a bunch of new stuff, and a guy was disappointed for not being able to take the first post. But as soon as Kais stopped watching gmod videos in 4k on the office WiFi, and the Vlog finally started playing on the big screen, the bomb finally dropped. Everybody stared at the screen with aghast eyes, the Hall went uncharacteristically quiet except for the blaring speakers, and someone dropped his coffee mug as his hand went limp.

 

[italics]The guy doing the voice-over was changed, and the new guy sounded eerily similar to Sergei.[/italics]

 

The mystery of the Magnum nerf had finally been solved; the theory blaming Sergei made absolute sense. Sergei clearly [italics]had[/italics] staged a coup; Semyon was subsequently fired as Sergei became Supreme Leader, as was the old voice-over guy, probably because he protested against some of Sergei's plans. The oppressive tyrant had trouble hiring a new voice-over guy, so Sergei himself had to fill in. It all made sense.

 

Will Semyon be back? If so, which Semyon? Will Sergei's brutal regime end anytime soon? How much further will the game be butchered under him? You can always trust The Dictator to answer your hottest questions.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

- January 2018

- February 2018

- March 2018

- April 2018

- May 2018

- June 2018

- July 2018

 

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[Total_SkiIl 1,983]

dictator academy season 2 noob

 

orr

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

So that's why you asked kaisdf what videos he watched.

[WoundedWarrior 302]

hmmm. want help?

[P.4.R.K.O.U.R 329]

Yis, for all his mischief, had been punished with a bell, which was tied around his neck with an unbreakable thread.

He was about to put a cracker under Flexoo's chair for revenge, but the bell tingled and he got caught. He didn't say "Da Friggin Hell!", he said "Dis Freakin Bell!"

[Magenta 5,165]

So that's why you asked kaisdf what videos he watched.

No idea what you're talking about.

 

 

Are you even taking about me?

 

Edited October 7, 2018 by Yisroel.Rabin
no1 talks about you

[Person_Random 4,991]

 

 

Writer has been cheated out of something.

 

 

Hi, I like the return of the dictator.