Other [Issue 81] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - November '18

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. Some spooky stuff has happened recently, so be sure to get your night light on, or else those nightmares are bound to haunt your dreams!

 

 

Magenta officially kills Flexoo, consumed with guilt; vows to cut down on lengthiness

By  NotMagenta

 

On Monday, 8th October, Mr. @Magenta, who was recently promoted to the position of guest writer, released a statement following Mr. @Flexoo's "official death." Many believe that, although it is only "official," the death might be real. He did, after all, fail to post the Main Topic on Friday. It is also popular belief @Hexed might be the real killer, and not @Magenta. This belief, while popular, is not official.

 

Anyway, without further ado - people always seem to say that when they are done with all the ado - let's get to Mr. @Magenta's statement. It might be worth noting that he stuck to his cards during the press conference, and did not surprise us by saying "I am Godmode_ON." Anyways, here:

 

"I, Magenta, known to closed ones as Evans (please?), hereby solemnly swear that I will henceforth only utter the most minimum of words, and that I hereby officially," he paused, waiting for some giggles, then paused some more, but in vain, and then continued with a surly face, "renounce the sin of lengthiness." Not wanting to part with a failed pun, he left with the tried-and-true pun: "Tank you for your time."

 

 

The TO Newspaper enslaves so-called 'Guest Writers' due to low budget 
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As the newspaper gets larger as the months pass by, new reporters are desperately needed to keep the boat afloat. However, budgets have been reduced by almost half by unknown 3vil forces and recruiting full-time new reporters would be pretty much impossible. This being the unfortunate reality, the Administrators of the communist-run newspaper decided to gather desperate five year olds who would dive the deepest ocean for the tiniest bit of fame, and give the children the opportunity to make their dream a reality.

 

Being the uneducated dummies they are, the group of tankers agreed to work without pay; anything to get them into the newspaper. And so, the 'Guest Writers' were born.

 

Ever since their establishment back in September, they've been working long and hard for the newspaper, receiving no pay whatsoever, only commands from the 0verlords. Meanwhile, the reporters get to sit back and relax while getting paid nine gummy bears every minute for the little work they do.

 

The newspaper seems to not have any plans regarding the disruption of this brilliant intuitive, and plan to keep it up until the Guest Writers get smart enough to start asking for some kind of insentive, by which time a whole new flock of noobs should come around, and will be taken in while the current ones get chucked out.

 

 

Guest Writer thethiefofvictory has no idea what Halloween is
By @Magenta

 

When V'tando (@Flexoo is officially dead, remember?) asked his slaves - officially known as "Guest Writers" - to write some articles for the Special Halloween Newspaper Issue, @thethiefofvictory was quick to raise his hand. Everyone thought the prodigy had a brilliant idea to share; but alas, it was nothing of the sort. Instead, he asked, "What's Halloween?" like a naive-innocent-little child would ask his mommy how he came about in the universe. *cough*.

 

Anyway, The Dictator decided to poke further at the issue, and ask a few people about their opinions regarding the scandal. "It is quite a scandal, no doubt," @GrandExecutioner said. "If you need to get rid of all the evidence supporting the occurrence of this shameful incidence, I'll be more than happy to do my part and axe off the appropriate heads; just give a missed-call to this number: 1-800-AXE-FOR-HIRE."

When we asked V'tando for a statement regarding The Newspaper was going to do about this, he replied "Any complaints against Reporters or Guest Writers will only be taken in writing. We will be more than happy to deal with any individuals involved if you send us the appropriate complaints - in writing. Now, please, I've business to attend to."

 

What fate awaits @thethiefofvictory? I dunno.

 

 

GrandExecutioner axes thethiefofvictory after being driven to madness

By [member=GrandExecutioner]

 

 

 

Alleged hacker on Halloween map mystery solved by conspiracy theorists

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Within just a few hours of the Halloween map being released on the servers, players started complaining about a so-called hacker who was stealing gold boxes. The hacker was described as... undetectable. All complaints claim that golds were simply caught approximately ten feet above even the highest tank. Meaning, there was an invisible tank hopping around stealing golds.

 

Developers responded saying they're looking into the problem. Unfortunately, that's a lie. That being so, a bunch of young noob conspiracy theorists decided to try to fathom the situation in what would best be described as the least plausible explanation to the problem and call it the ultimate truth. Among many theories they had, and the one which later proved to be true by investigator gators was what the theorists called 'The Ghost Hacker Hypothesis'.

 

The theory, as the name suggests, was that there are ghosts scattered throughout the graveyard of the map, which love bugging unsuspecting tankers, and therefore steal golds randomly as they drop for the sky.

 

At first, it seemed dumb, but after further inspection by investigator gators using spectator mode, which is equipped with infrared ghost detecting abilities, it was discovered that there were in fact ghosts rising from the graves and stealing golds from innocent gold hunter mults.

 

Top secret photo leaked of alleged ghosts roaming the graveyard taken by infrared spectator view

 

 

Godmode_ON alleged strikes against Tanki Online due to low salary

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Unlike in previous years, the appearance of the notorious gold dropper and mysterious tanker @Godmode_ON was absent this Halloween. At first, we thought it was just the came being cheap again, and that the absence of the grim figure was just something to be coupled with the 30% off sales we received. However, that hypothesis soon drifted away when Russian hackers working for us unveiled the truth.

 

Godmode_ON has been on strike for the past couple of months against the game's administration and has refused to take any orders and make any appearances in the game due to his low salary from the game. Reportedly, he's not even getting paid half as many gummy bears as the Newspaper Reporters receive for just one article.

 

As of right now, the game's administration is trying to negotiate with Godmode, but he's apparently locked himself in his room with a fridge full of puddings and has no plans of coming out to listen to what anyone has to say.

 

We'll update you if anything weirder than this happens.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

- January 2018

- February 2018

- March 2018

- April 2018

- May 2018

- June 2018

- July 2018

- October 2018

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[thethiefofvictory 339]

Don't spin fake news. We do receive teddy bears for pay... no? No?

 

Also, I survived my axing. Sorry, Grand, but Mag wants his money back.

 

Good pieces though!

[Pythor 1,354]

Finally! The Dictator again

[Person_Random 4,991]

HEY how bout a writer LIKE MEEEE The useless one.

[Pyre 3,485]

By  NotMagenta

 

Pure genius.

[Maverick_Storm_Xian 5]

love it B) keep up the good work ;). This is the primary reason why i almost always use dictator :ph34r:

[cosmicdestructor 41]

You guys planning on revealing the real reason Nives disappeared? I mean the common conception is obviously Ostrica, but something else might be going on behind the scenes.  :ph34r:

[Person_Random 4,991]

I think I could be featured.... could I?