Humour The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - February '19

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. There's a ton to cover this month, so let's get reading, shall we?

 

 

AWC members released after deliberation regarding their captivity

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As I'm sure most of you know by now, when the Amateur Writing Club closed back in 2018, the members of the deceased club were held captive and were forced to write for the newspaper as slaves. These so-called "Guest Writers" were to write an inconceivable amount of the material for the newspaper, and failing to comply with any single command handed to them by the administrators would result in immediate account blockage.

 

For as long as this slavery era was occurring, outsiders began foiling plots on how to free these abused former club members. One failed attempt in which a spy would break into the headquarters and break the slaves out almost resulted in certain spy's death. The situation was one not to be taken lightly, and so the deliberation between heads of staff and the 3vil 4dmins who were holding the AWC members captive needed to be conducted carefully.

 

So, after months of court hearings, delegation, and bribes, the slaves were freed and are no starting their own lame newspaper to revolt against their former enslavers.

 

 

A certain Rabin not rewarded for his work

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

 

As a good many persons now know, the great Yisroel.Rabin fighter and supreme warrior of justice and leader of the rebellion against Darth Flexoobot was denied helper of the year on the 15th of January, 2018. Needless to say many of Yisroel's non-existent supporters, including his prized chewing gum, the fish which gave his life meaning and the mouldy piece of cheese which he valyes above his life were all infuriated. The great Yisroel Rabin said "PREPOSTOROUS!" and went on to describe how he had worked tirelessly at nothing being a truly extraordinary member of the reporter team. Since the revelation, Yisroel has not been himself. Rumor has it that he cooked his fish so black that astronomers all around the world thought that they had detected a blackhole, while he threw the cheese into the trash can from whence it came and his prized chewing gum is stuck in Flexoo's hair. Upon trying to calm Yisroel.Rabin down, all of us slaves reporters were told by the great and enlightened Yisroel that "IT'S NO FAIR! IT'S NO FAIR! IT'S NO FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME GONNA CRY AND EAT ALL UR DONUTS NOW!" Unfortunately, Yisroel may have consumed our entire supply of 666 donuts, which isn't so much cause of concern for Yisroel's health as it is for our tea time.   

 

 

Overdrives delay cause reveals bigger issues in game development

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

We've been waiting for the new Overdrives for months, yet all we get is the same excuse every time about coding errors. However, this was obviously not the case. We've been lied to yet another time by the administrators. Nevertheless, untruthful developers are the least of our problems. The true cause for the delays is the more bothersome issue.

 

As it turns out, Hazel, the head of all operations Tanki related, has recently developed a severe addiction to ketchup chips. This addiction, despite the team's efforts to combat it, continues to worsen by the days, and as the weeks fly by, Hazel remembers less and less about his responsibilities and more and more about his love for the ketchup flavoured snack. The team first noticed the problem when the office received a massive box shipped all the way from Canada containing millions of bags of ketchup chips.

 

As of right this moment, Hazel is being held in a locked closet at the headquarters and will not be let out until further plans are decided upon. Meanwhile, the team is spewing the same excuse every week regarding the delays of the Overdrives.

 

 

Peace falls as Juggernaut XT rumors arise; tankers concerned

by @Hexed

 

Yesterday morning, an Alternativa employee released a suspicious video on YouTube, sharing it from his own channel and naming it "Juggernaut XT". The video itself contained no content - just a black screen overlayed on a large variety of radio noises. Seeing as such big rumors spread through the community like wildfire, this one was no different. In just hours, people had started jumping to conclusions, rumoring insane prices for the tank. One even went so far ahead as to price it beyond a grand.

 

"It's not my fault, really. If the developers want to pressure us to purchase in-game items with that much money, I say 'bring it on!' and would make it a big deal. We predict it's going to be no less than a thousand dollars - a grand just to fulfill your vanity, huh!" exclaimed the anonymous tanker.

 

Right now, we have no evidence of the rumors being true, owing to the fact that the video is no longer public and can't be seen by anyone anymore.

 

Tankers all around the verse have called upon the developers to explain this occurrence. Some have asked for compensation in terms of false advertising by the company, while others stayed back to maintain the infamous "gold admin pls" call. Will you make this insane purchase or join the resistance?

 

P.S. It was evident that the uploader of the video could be Sergei Balabanov - is this some revenge attack on the game, or perhaps, an attack of hatred? Will the apparent attacker succeed in his criminal endeavor? I guess we will have to wait.

 

 

Gun control issues to become a "thing" in the future of Tanki Online

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Recent reports from maps such as Kunger and Dusseldorf come from angry residents of the map saying that, besides the tremendous amount of noise the ongoing war causes, the violence in of itself is a menace to society. They are of the belief that the Tankiverse needs to instate a lot more laws pertaining to gun control in the streets to protect innocent campers and newbies alike from unjustified tank slaughter.

 

The mostly elderly residents aren't the only ones with the complaints. Many high ranking officials and leaders of clans have turned to the more democratic sides of things, claiming that having no gun control is destructive to the environment we live in, and made up estimates that if the amount of gun control stays as low as it is the population is destined to decrease by 90% by 2023.

 

These parties claim we should limit the speed of all projectiles to 20 miles per hour to reduce destruction, and suggest we also switch from the classic metallic projectiles we use to a safer material, like polyester. Firebirds maximum temperature should be reduced from the burning machine it is to a slightly cooler room temperature, and Freeze's temperature should be reduced from its frost-biting cold to around your average fridge temperature.

 

More details to follow in coming months.

 

 

Signs on the Petition on Incendiary Band Nerf skyrocket

by @Hexed

 

Last few weeks in the community have never been more disastrous than ever before. Players from around the realm, including leaders of important clans and helpers from various teams, joined forces to create a petition demanding a nerf for the Incendiary Band alteration. Here's what some of them had to say...

 

"I tried it, it just doesn't work."

 

"Stupidy overpowered, like seriously, it isn't like they forgot to downgrade that alteration!"

 

"Argh!"

 

"Are you even serious developers, no nerf for the Incendiary Band?", while someone shouts from the back: "More like OP Band, huh!"

 

Probably one of the most experienced tankers and forum members of the game, current Forum Administrator Maf left a lengthy remark when asked about the alteration.

 

"Yeah, I mean, it is over-powered."

 

It seems like the community is only minutes away from exploding. Better be on the safe side y'all.

 

 

Chinese manufacturer giant claims the rights for overdrive distribution

by @Flexoo

 

As shocking as this may sound, the last details of the Overdrive distribution contract between the Chinese corporation Sam Ting (from chinese; pronounce it like "something") and Alternativa have been agreed upon last weekend. The source close to the development uncovered that the man behind all of this is none other than Semyon Strizhak himself, also known as Hazel-Rah.

 

From what we have been told, it seems that Semyon had a very good previous exprience with the company and was very satisfied with the high quality products that he ordered. We managed to dug up this order which included one pair of athletic Adydaz sneakers, luxurious Rolecks watches and even a brand new model of Bent Li that is supposedly a perpetuum mobile running just on a mixture of vodka and tears of tankers. How he can afford all of this stuff produced by the Chinese giant is beyond us, but we know that Semyon was contacted by the head of the corporation himself after he posted the corporation's first ever five star review on a certain website.

 

How the deal was born after this point is right now unknown, but it is expected that the production will start sometime this month after three years of careful planning. It has also been confirmed that all the hulls with overdrive effect from this point on will bear the brand's name and a message:

 

"Jast d best for u

 

Made in China"

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

- January 2018

- February 2018

- March 2018

- April 2018

- May 2018

- June 2018

- July 2018

- October 2018

- November 2018

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[Musa 5,352]

I've read it, now gimme my fantastic prize.

 

[AncientFire 1,894]

very funny and entertaining  :D

[maryam98 1,171]

We have been cheated. There was no public apology to the 'noob magnum'.

 

Absolutely hilarious article.

[Adab 2,898]

Noice!

[Pride.In.Blood 629]

First Time read an article and enjoyed it.  :) 

[KryptonRaptor 1]

this is great. we need alot more of this kinda stuff. How do you become a newspaper writer again?

[Flexoo 6,980]

this is great. we need alot more of this kinda stuff. How do you become a newspaper writer again?

Hello, you can check our application topic here; http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=370810&do=findComment&comment=6471456

[Person_Random 4,991]

I'd be a reporter except 1, i wanna participate in contests, 2, i don't like to reveal my name, and 3, i am far too busy keeping the AWS alive now that the major contributors have left.