Humour The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - July 2019

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. So without further ado, here are all the headlines from July!

 

 

Gauss design stolen from Iron Man by evil developers
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

The Gauss turret has been adored by players of all kinds all throughout the Tankiverse ever since it was released. However, there's a catch. Iron Man himself has came forward last week to raise an issue with the newly released turret. At the press conference he held for the public outside of Stark Tower, Tony Stark told the public in fury that Tanki Online had in fact hacked into his computers and stole his design for a unique piece of weaponry for his latest Mark suit, prototype titled 'Mouse'. It was meant to function very similar to the way the Gauss turret function in TO, and Stark claims his plans were stolen to aid the creation of the newly released turret.

 

Tanki Online's legal team has yet to respond, but Hazel, a lead game developer who's known for dropping golds where they aren't meant to be dropped, did retweet a passive aggressive tweet made by Tony Stark, and tweeted a devil emoji right after, followed by an ice cream emoji with the text "#OutOfIdeas #GaussedRight". As of now, the world is still trying to wrap their head around what Hazel's tweet meant. When asked, @Cedric Debono, the International CM, responded saying that Hazel was having a late night with some Russian beverages, and doesn't know what he's saying.

 

Tony has started a lawsuit against Tanki, and plans to go "full charge" at the situation, he told our reporters. Meanwhile, over 99% of the worlds population is still trying to figure out one thing; what's Tanki and who cares?

 

LAST MINUTE UPDATE: The Gauss's description in the Garage has just changed to "We got em' good! Bwahaha! #JustAnotherDayInRussia".

 

 

Hackers leak two-year future plans

By @Hexed

 

Judging by the quality and quantity of the updates the developers are investing their time in, it is no big surprise that a couple of hateful haters had been spurred up in the midst of all these changes. Recently, the main data server of Tanki Online was hacked, it's information copied and then removed permanently, potentially causing damage in the hundred-thousand figure. The hackers, leakers or dataminers, whatever you may want to call them, had been successful in their hour-long operation and soon posted details of the future plans on social media, online blogs, videos and so on. 

 

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

 

Do not read below this point as it contains spoilers regarding game development.

 

Apparently, the full list of planned changes is as under:

• Matchmaking System will be upgraded to host arena-style league play battles which will commemorate the old days of Tanki Online's partnership with StarLadder - hosting different leagues with real-life prizes, inlcuding money.
• Three new turrets will be launched: one which fires a projectile that explodes in the vicinity of an enemy, a three-burst cannon similar to Smoky and last but not least, a cannon-style projectile launcher that throws balls of either fire or ice.
• Two new hulls will be added: a hovercraft-style hull which will be able to move diagonally and a hull which will be able to fly for a short time. Unfortunately, no graphics were available for any of these upcoming equipment.
• Interestingly, a radar system will be added. It will show the location of nearby enemies and teammates.
• The lobby will be revamped completely, the changes made to it include interface changes, background music, loading screens, etc.
• Players queued in for a Matchmaking battle will be taken a big map where they will be able to roam around and interact with others, while waiting for the battle to commence.
• Drones will be removed from the game.
• Alterations will increase in number.
• Whole sets of garage paints will be added.
• Shot Effects for all remaining turrets will be added. For turrets that do not have a significant projectile, only the explosion will change color.
• Gauss, Magnum and Shaft will undergo slight nerfs, while almost all other turrets will be buffed. 
• Sales will remain similar in discount size and frequency as to what they are now.
• Truckloads of quality-of-life and small updates will be done.

Intrigued? There's even more, but more on this in the next installment.

 

 

Tragedy occurs on UFO Day as aliens invade Tankiverse
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

UFO Day seemed like a fun idea to the Administration, but as you may already know, the fun and games didn't last too long. Only a couple of ours into the event and the game was under attack. Letting aliens into the spectrum was no good idea, as they quickly attacked our front lines and took many tankers hostage. @Maf, our beloved crystal hacker, was one of the first of many faculty members to be swept away by the evil forces. The aliens have issues a statement in the form of a notification in the news feed, stating that if the Tanki Administration doesn't hand over rights to all the space maps in the Tankiverse, the hostages would suffer dire consequences. Currently, the Administration is debating amongst themselves how bad it would really be to lose Maf, as well as other members of the faculty and game who have been kidnapped.

 

The Administration has issued a statement warning all tankers to stay away from space maps unless experienced in combat or have lots of drugs. On a more personal note, there is word around the EN Helpers chats that if the kidnapped faculty members are deemed worthwhile, we reporters, being the so-called "least important helpers", may be sacrificed for the other faculty members. So, although this is a situation in progress, don't be surprised if there's no issue in the coming weeks.

 

 

The REAL reason behind Vikingsrallentando's departure as administrator

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

 

As much as it might shock the readers of the Dictator, Vikingsrallentando did not leave his post as administrator because of "Real life" or other work. I, myself had suspected a more sinister plot at play and begun to look for the truth when I managed to have a conversation softly with an informer who will remain nameless. In fact, Destrod... I mean... err the informer told me that "The world thinks Vtando retired peacefully, they are deeply mistaken. If you hear closely in the night, beneath reporter headquarters you can hear the screaming and wailing of all the ex admins, GoldRock was painfully carved into a rock, his screams still haunt me at night. Night Sisters was held captive in another dimension, where night would never depart. As for Vtando, no one knows what became of him, but I'm sure he'll be a victim soon." Needless to say, it has now been confirmed that Flexoo had been lying to us about all the locked up children crying about not having donuts in the basement (which Yisroel allegedly ate). Upon a brief discussion with my fellow slaves reporters, we have deduced that Vtando will be tied up in the basement and subjected to Flexoo's banana pie machine gun until he admits to being a Martian, at which point he will be reported to the authorities to spend the rest of his life loading Flexoo's pie machine gun. It has become blatantly clear to us reporters that the situation has gotten well out of hand and that serious action has become necessary. As a result we have come up with the brilliant plan of sneaking into Flexoo's office at night and crying our lungs out in the hopes of causing a large enough flood of tears that Flexoo is forced to fire us for destroying his precious paper scrap collection. Needless to say, failure will result in certain cleaning of his office and we will remain slaves.  

 

 

Accidental Gauss super-shot causes nuclear havoc in Chernobyl

By @Hexed

 

The product of releasing Chernobyl in the Matchmaking map pool along with the Gauss super-shot would be deadly, and it certainly was. Just three days ago, while shooting back and forth between bases, three Gauss users in the red team were desperately trying to hit the enemy flag-bearer who had just taken the red flag. Located in the base, the trio made shot after shot until the circumstances made it so that one of the Gauss tried to tackle the enemy with a super-shot. 

 

Super-shot, if you didn't know already, is an ultra high-power shot that carries with it the full force of Gauss' linear electronic ultra-power magnetic accelerators, capable to releasing the projectile at an incredible speed of more than 250 meters per second. The impact this projectile produces is so high, the resulting energy wave evolving from the point zero causes huge damage to the surrounding as well. 

 

When the super-shot was just about the hit the enemy going through the middle of the map, just between the reactors, he swerved left. For his Wasp, it was easy, and he just escaped for what could've been his unfortunate death. However, what was just about to happen, nobody was prepared for. The Gauss cannon misfired, hitting the wall just behind the curve he had taken. Energy waves from the impact generated in millionth of a second soon reached both the reactors and instantly vaporized them, causing a massive explosion. 

 

Above: Devastation caused by the nuclear explosion.

 

Due to the unforgiving amounts of radiation and the blast, no one in the map at that time was able to survive. The fallout from the blast reached the upper levels of the atmosphere, rapidly decreasing temperatures. Radiation was able to spread as far as Kungur. People have been told to evacuate beyond Kungur to remain safe. While Berlin and maps like Rio and Dusseldorf remain safe from this tragedy, a couple are a no-go zone: Gubakha, Perm, Molotov and the surrounding areas.

 

The immediate area around the disaster location has been zoned off, and emergencies have been declared in a number of surrounding countries and divisions for help. 

 

 

The final, ultimate, completely finished and best guide to eating fried chicken

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

 

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

- January 2018

- February 2018

- March 2018

- April 2018

- May 2018

- June 2018

- July 2018

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- November 2018

- February 2019

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The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[Tidebreaker 1,669]

Accidental Gauss super-shot causes nuclear havoc in Chernobyl

By @Hexed

 

The product of releasing Chernobyl in the Matchmaking map pool along with the Gauss super-shot would be deadly, and it certainly was. Just three days ago, while shooting back and forth between bases, three Gauss users in the red team were desperately trying to hit the enemy flag-bearer who had just taken the red flag. Located in the base, the trio made shot after shot until the circumstances made it so that one of the Gauss tried to tackle the enemy with a super-shot. 

 

Super-shot, if you didn't know already, is an ultra high-power shot that carries with it the full force of Gauss' linear electronic ultra-power magnetic accelerators, capable to releasing the projectile at an incredible speed of more than 250 meters per second. The impact this projectile produces is so high, the resulting energy wave evolving from the point zero causes huge damage to the surrounding as well. 

 

When the super-shot was just about the hit the enemy going through the middle of the map, just between the reactors, he swerved left. For his Wasp, it was easy, and he just escaped for what could've been his unfortunate death. However, what was just about to happen, nobody was prepared for. The Gauss cannon misfired, hitting the wall just behind the curve he had taken. Energy waves from the impact generated in millionth of a second soon reached both the reactors and instantly vaporized them, causing a massive explosion. 

 

Above: Devastation caused by the nuclear explosion.

 

Due to the unforgiving amounts of radiation and the blast, no one in the map at that time was able to survive. The fallout from the blast reached the upper levels of the atmosphere, rapidly decreasing temperatures. Radiation was able to spread as far as Kungur. People have been told to evacuate beyond Kungur to remain safe. While Berlin and maps like Rio and Dusseldorf remain safe from this tragedy, a couple are a no-go zone: Gubakha, Perm, Molotov and the surrounding areas.

 

The immediate area around the disaster location has been zoned off, and emergencies have been declared in a number of surrounding countries and divisions for help. 

Would be interesting if a Wasp dropped an N2-Bomb over at Fukushima. 

[Pyre 3,485]

Iron man? Its too soon *sniff*

[Person_Random 4,991]

You may have wanted to include 'the Long awaited guide to procrastination'.

[Pythor 1,354]

You may have wanted to include 'the Long awaited guide to procrastination'.

Low key funniest thing PR has ever said. 

Edited July 12, 2019 by pythor20000